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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:18 AM Jul 2017

WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON?!? Asking for a friend.

Fucking hell, campers.

The news is nuttier than squirrel poop these days. If the squirrel was like, a government lab test squirrel, administered copious amounts of LSD.

Well, we don't have Spicey Sean to kick around anymore. He has finally been pushed too far, and he's taking his stolen mini-fridge and going home. There was a brief temptation to pity this tiny, soulless, little man, who shipwrecked his hard-won reputation on the treacherous shores of the Drumpf Administration...but then you remember that he was an eager collaborator to the team of petty crooks who do their damndest daily to blow up our democracy and wipe their hemorrhoid-encrusted asses with our Constiution...so yeah, fuck him.

So, Sean Spicer, as you embark on this next chapter of your life, I wish you ingrown toenails and post office lines. May you be shunned from decent company for the rest of your days. May every Snickers bar turn to a warm cat turd in your mouth. May the man in the mirror each morning remind you of your crimes. When you get to the afterlife, Sean, know that George Washington will be waiting for you, and he's going to kick you right in the junk.

So over the weekend we met the new Shart House communications director, Ray Liotta cosplayer Anthony Scaramucci. (I'm not gonna make the obligatory Queen joke, because low-hanging fruit is for CUCKS.)

Scaramucci wasted no time engaging in the obligatory ass-kissing ritual. Now SCROTUS is some sort of super-athlete who throws a "perfect spiral" (If Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can throw a "perfect spiral" I'll let Jeff Sessions crash on my couch after his collaborating ass gets fired, by the way.) and like, swats biplanes out of the air and taught Mike Trout how to play center field.

The Mooch was apparently not a popular choice among existing staffers, what with his No Relevant Experience Whatsoever. Not only did Spicey run away to hide in less-manicured bushes, but Reince Pubis has been sidelined even further, spending most of his days acting as Chief of Staff to a small collection of Star Wars legos he bought on his lunch break one day after H.R. McMaster gave him a particularly aggressive wedgie. Word is even Steve "Darth Wino" Bannon told Anthony he'd get the job "over my dead body." Got your hopes up for a minute, didn't it?

The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, certainly doesn't get to sleep at the foot of the bed these days. Not only did the Washington Post report that he seems to have lied to congress when he was attempting to cover his ass for lying to congress about something else, but it seems his Idiot Manchild boss throws regular tantrums about ol' Beau recusing himself rather than transforming the United States Justice Department into Drumpfy's personal, taxpayer-funded, justice-obstructin' traveling jug band.

So reports claim Team Shart is working on pushing Sessions out, and replacing him with Rotten-Toothed Hate Monster Rudy Giuliani, or maybe Ted Cruz, or perhaps just a Teddy Ruxpin doll with a tape that fires Robert Mueller and Rod Rosenstein, and then plays the "Na na na na, say hey hey" song on loop for twenty minutes.

(Now, there's a lot of serious shit going down these days, but the moment when Jeff Sessions' career finally ends in scandal and betrayal is rapidly approaching, and I'm gonna celebrate that moment with a chocolate cupcake dropped into a mop bucket full of scotch when it comes. Don't tell Bannon.)

Word is, Rex Tillerson is thinkin' about quittin' his post at State because somehow he's the last human being on Planet Earth who has noticed that Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "I'm So Old and Gross Even Hookers Won't Touch My Pee-pee Anymore&quot treats everyone who works for him like so many flushable floaters. Stay or go, Rex, you'll never wash the stink off.

And the House passed a big Russia sanctions bill that the Marmalade Shartcannon definitely did not want. When Uncle Vlad sees this, he's gonna send Donnie to military school just like the real dad that never loved him and thus got the whole fucking world into this mess in the first place. Certainly there will be no pee hookers for the foreseeable future.

I guess the Senate GOP got ahold of some black market ground rhino horn, mashed it up in a batch of Purple Drank in John Cornyn's office, starting snorting Adderall off Johnny Isakson's ass, and decided to hold a bunch of last-ditch health care votes tomorrow.

Who cares if the Senate Parliamentarian is stripping amendments left and right? Who cares if everyone has to eventually face a constituency whipped up into a rage over being, y'know, MURDERED BY THEIR SENATORS, it's fucking Spring Break at the Koch Brothers' Beach Resort, where we hunt the poor for sport and pour mimosas out of the IV bags that won't carry life-saving medication because the DUMBASS PLEBES CAN'T FUCKING AFFORD IT WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!?!?!??!?!

Now, Mitch McConnell won't tell anybody exactly what it's in the bill they'll be voting for. Maybe it's the House bill. Maybe it's straight repeal. Maybe it's Ted Cruz in pasties and a g-string. Whatever it is, it's gonna kill thousands of Americans, and we're relying on Rob Portman's decency to deliver us...FUCK.

Texas Congressdoorstop Blake Farenthold blamed the troubles the GOP's Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me "Health Care Bill," keeps running into on those awful Lady Senators* who keep screwing things up with their legislatin' and not-babymakin' and whatnot. Hilariously, he insisted the disdainful womenfolk were from the dreaded Northeast, when in fact he was describing West Virginia's Shelley Moore Capito and Lisa Murkowski from...ahem...Alaska. Geography, like so much in America in 2017...is for cucks.

Anyhow, Fartenhard expressed that he'd like to settle the issue over a duel, which is a normal, adult response to being disagreed with. He insisted he was too gentlemanly to murder LADY senators with his musket, or maybe with the authentic Hattori Hanzo replica he picked up at ComiCon, but Jerry Moran better watch his punk ass!

He then retreated to his subreddit safe space where he whined about how
Flash Thompson wasn't white in the recent Spider-Man movie.

*The face Little Man Blake made when referring to "Female Senators" was indistinguishable from the one a four-year-old makes when lamenting the presence of "lima beans" on the dinner plate.

Meanwhile...DRUMPF SCREAMED DEATH DEATH DEATH AS TRUMPCARE DIES, at a speech earlier today, because, unable to understand, much less make the case for his bill, he fell back on his old standby, scaring the poo out of stupid white people. Dance with who brung ya, I suppose.

And now I guess MINO (that's STILL Maverick In Name Only) John McCain will ride onto the floor of the Senate on a horse paid for with taxpayer funds and valiantly vote to steal health care from millions. I really, REALLY want to think better of the man...I mean, how the FUCK can you stare down a cancer fight (I have to get real for a second here, folks...speaking from experience...cancer is horrifying, cancer is unrelenting, and yes, cancer is expensive, and if you can't afford to fight it, you don't have a fucking CHANCE.) that taxpayers will be financing, and then turn around and use your power to tell millions of your fellow citizens "sorry, shoulda been richer, fuck off, just DIE."...I don't understand how you can hold the Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other. I just fucking don't.

I dunno. Maybe he's scared Kelli Ward is going to get sick of waiting for him to die, and show up with a judiciously poisoned Tuna Helper casserole? Surprise us, Senator McCain. Please.

Anyhow.

Everybody's favorite babyfaced Shartthrob, Jared Kushner, gave a little closed-door testimony today, and issued a little bullshit statement about how he barely collaborated even a little bit, and he's just a poor little rich boy who doesn't even read the collusion emails he gets, and just wanders into meetings with Russians without knowing what they're about. And also, if he forget about 100 foreign contacts and millions of dollars in assets, and an entire fucking BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT on his security clearance forms, which happens to be an enormous fucking crime, well, I'M FUCKIN' THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, SO WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, SEND A MEAN TWEET ABOUT IT, BITCH?

...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.

Kushner, who has been tasked by his father-in-law with a broad portfolio ranging from solving the opioid crisis to bringing peace to the Middle East to inventing Flubber in real life, seems to be leaning on the "I'm so dumb I eat with a Nerf fork" defense, which the right wing media is happy to run with. 6 months in, kiddies, and "blistering incompetence" is the best they've got. Gooooooooood luck.

Meanwhile Democrats unveiled their new It's the Economy, Dumbass, platform this afternoon. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer assures us the platform going forward will be neither Namby nor Pamby, and certainly not both at once. Looks alright. We'll see.

And then I guess the Boy Scouts of America invited the Bastard Son of Gordon Gekko and Krang's Robot Body to speak at their Jamboree, so that all the kids could get their pussy-grabbing merit badge. Shit got creepy right quick, with Dorito Mussolini riffing on all the grievances that perpetually rage in his tiny reptile brain (instead of, you know, the issues the American People care about), shit like Fake Gnus and the electoral college and how Salma Hayek won't go out with him.

And he shit on his predecessor a little, to creepy "USA" chants from the juvenile crowd. It was like a little Shartler Youth rally. In a couple of years, instead of collecting canned goods, these kids'll be reporting you for thoughtcrime.

Aaaaaaand I guess the right wing media bubba-uhl is trying to destroy Jake Tapper tonight? Fuck all y'all. Diet Rambo is the fucking best. He is honest, and fair, and brave, and on the front fuckin' lines of this thing, I'm grateful as all get-out for the work he and his fellow journalists are doing in these batshit crazy times. When this is all done, they'll build a statue of Jake Tapper, only it'll also be a fountain, and it'll be pissing on a smaller, shittier statue of Sean Hannity.

Yeah, there's more. There's always fucking more. Shit, I'm even passing up an opportunity to shit on Jill Stein tonight, because I'm that fucking exhausted by the tornado-full-of-badgers-and-hammers that is the daily news cycle.

Get some sleep, Resisters. Let's give this Senate Health Care bill a swirlie tomorrow...and take its lunch money.

58 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON?!? Asking for a friend. (Original Post) TheFerret Jul 2017 OP
"I don't understand how you can hold the Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other." dalton99a Jul 2017 #1
He's not holding cancer in one hand. BigmanPigman Jul 2017 #3
we will find out tomorrow where McCain stands... chillfactor Jul 2017 #4
If he votes the way you and I both probably expect he might, it will confirm that calimary Jul 2017 #38
As always, thanks central scrutinizer Jul 2017 #2
..... Princess Turandot Jul 2017 #5
Fondest greetings, TheFerret! I must close my eyes now and dream of this post, which I shall Leghorn21 Jul 2017 #6
bump krawhitham Jul 2017 #7
...Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other. 3catwoman3 Jul 2017 #8
Apparently he has no afterlife concerns. dixiegrrrrl Jul 2017 #16
Satan is grinning and rubbing his hands, waiting for McCain to show up adigal Jul 2017 #56
How can I be in stitches.......and weeping, all at the same time? CaliforniaPeggy Jul 2017 #9
I felt exactly mimi85 Jul 2017 #18
Who are you? Glimmer of Hope Jul 2017 #10
Rob Portman (Ohio) has no decency for the record irisblue Jul 2017 #11
all i know bora13 Jul 2017 #12
Another EPIC Fucking Rant! BadGimp Jul 2017 #13
Kick. nt Sophiegirl Jul 2017 #14
Keep preaching, Ferret, because hell has come to breakfast. nolabear Jul 2017 #15
K&R n/t Lugnut Jul 2017 #17
TheFerret is my spiritual guru. dchill Jul 2017 #19
Thanks TF. CentralMass Jul 2017 #20
Sheer poetry, Ferret! colorado_ufo Jul 2017 #21
K&R Lilma Jul 2017 #22
McCain is going to inflict a form of torture on many people if he votes for this horror law. BSdetect Jul 2017 #23
Another great post! You are cracking me up VaBchTgerLily Jul 2017 #24
Nice post... really funny :) n/t Zing Zing Zingbah Jul 2017 #25
You had me at - Fucking hell, campers. underpants Jul 2017 #26
Maybe it's Ted Cruz in pasties and a g-string VWolf Jul 2017 #27
I think we're both gonna need some Industrial Strength Brain Bleach!!!! LongTomH Jul 2017 #45
I need a 2naSalit Jul 2017 #50
Ferret, your posts are keeping me sane. WinstonSmith4740 Jul 2017 #28
TheFerret tells it like it is........... lib-ruhl Jul 2017 #29
K & R dhill926 Jul 2017 #30
Love TheFerret! msdogi Jul 2017 #31
Kick, rec, and "Surprise us, Senator McCain. Please." Leghorn21 Jul 2017 #32
Damn glad to see you, TheFerret... VOX Jul 2017 #33
Holy Merde! Mme. Defarge Jul 2017 #34
No peaceful sleep, saidsimplesimon Jul 2017 #35
Thank you Ferret saidsimplesimon Jul 2017 #36
I would like to think this request I wrote and faxed to John McCain's office usaf-vet Jul 2017 #37
Sweet rant, bro. byronius Jul 2017 #39
Well said TF. denbot Jul 2017 #40
I expect Mueller takes no pleasure in doing his duty investigating any kind of sitting President. nt Bernardo de La Paz Jul 2017 #41
K&R. nt DLevine Jul 2017 #42
Truly great cp Jul 2017 #43
Another righteous smack-down, ferret!!!! LongTomH Jul 2017 #44
...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work. trof Jul 2017 #46
In all seriousness, let's hope so, pray whatever. Boomerproud Jul 2017 #48
I think... Liberal Jesus Freak Jul 2017 #47
K&R burrowowl Jul 2017 #49
Simply Perfect. MiddleClass Jul 2017 #51
Brilliant! Again! Thank you, I needed that. BlancheSplanchnik Jul 2017 #52
Best.Ferret.Post.Ever. flying rabbit Jul 2017 #53
Beware the Ferret! smirkymonkey Jul 2017 #54
Another winner. Chalk it up. oasis Jul 2017 #55
We meet again... Hugin Jul 2017 #57
... Blue_Roses Jul 2017 #58

dalton99a

(81,065 posts)
1. "I don't understand how you can hold the Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other."
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:23 AM
Jul 2017

No shit.

Thank you, Ferret!

BigmanPigman

(51,430 posts)
3. He's not holding cancer in one hand.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:33 AM
Jul 2017

He's using it for something else...sort of like giving it the finger.

chillfactor

(7,566 posts)
4. we will find out tomorrow where McCain stands...
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:33 AM
Jul 2017

he has the best medical coverage for his cancer treatment..if he takes medical coverage away from millions he is dead to me and I hope cancer ravages his soul.

calimary

(80,694 posts)
38. If he votes the way you and I both probably expect he might, it will confirm that
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 01:34 PM
Jul 2017

cancer will ALREADY have ravaged his soul.

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
6. Fondest greetings, TheFerret! I must close my eyes now and dream of this post, which I shall
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:35 AM
Jul 2017

read over a hot cup of morning caffeine!

Thank you, just *THANK YOU* in advance, fucking hell!!

3catwoman3

(23,815 posts)
8. ...Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:41 AM
Jul 2017

That, right there, says it all. I don't fucking understand it either.

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,297 posts)
9. How can I be in stitches.......and weeping, all at the same time?
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:43 AM
Jul 2017

So very well done.

I am so grateful that you occupy DU and that we get to read what you write, dear Ferret.

Thank You.

nolabear

(41,915 posts)
15. Keep preaching, Ferret, because hell has come to breakfast.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 01:23 AM
Jul 2017

And I need every ounce of fortitude boosting I can get.

colorado_ufo

(5,717 posts)
21. Sheer poetry, Ferret!
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 02:23 AM
Jul 2017

I will sleep better tonight, since you have put things in perspective.

You should receive the first Nobel Prize for Rant.

Lilma

(132 posts)
22. K&R
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 08:05 AM
Jul 2017

"And he shit on his predecessor a little, to creepy "USA" chants from the juvenile crowd. It was like a little Shartler Youth rally. In a couple of years, instead of collecting canned goods, these kids'll be reporting you for thoughtcrime. "

I found their cheering of him to be the - what awful thing can I say about the 'Boy Scouts"-guess I"ll settle on deplorable.

BSdetect

(8,989 posts)
23. McCain is going to inflict a form of torture on many people if he votes for this horror law.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 09:39 AM
Jul 2017

Bankruptcies here we come. Again.

VWolf

(3,944 posts)
27. Maybe it's Ted Cruz in pasties and a g-string
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 10:06 AM
Jul 2017


Ok Ferret, you crossed the line with that one. I'm gonna need psychiatric help.

WinstonSmith4740

(3,048 posts)
28. Ferret, your posts are keeping me sane.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 10:13 AM
Jul 2017

Well, at least as close as I get to sane. Thank (your choice of deity here) you're on our side, and here...your essays make my day and help stop the screaming in my head. If you're not a writer in real life, you should be.

I lost my husband to cancer. I've never wished harm to another person, but every one of those assholes with an "R" (and even worse, a D) after their name who is even still on the fence on this issue, needs to be hit by that nightmare themselves, or in someone they love. We need to come to grips with the fact that there is no horror, nightmare, or disaster they care about, until it hits home.

Keep 'em coming. Anyone know how to forward these to Drumpf? I'd love to see his head explode.

VOX

(22,976 posts)
33. Damn glad to see you, TheFerret...
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 11:53 AM
Jul 2017

Always look forward to your posts. They are pure platinum, reflecting what's true.

saidsimplesimon

(7,888 posts)
35. No peaceful sleep,
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:52 PM
Jul 2017

until I call, one more time, my senators to voice my opinion. NO to repeal, Yes to improve the ACA.

saidsimplesimon

(7,888 posts)
36. Thank you Ferret
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 12:56 PM
Jul 2017

Je adore resistance. Call your Senators now, they are having lunch with that shrimp (bottom feeder) Pence as we read.

usaf-vet

(6,094 posts)
37. I would like to think this request I wrote and faxed to John McCain's office
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 01:31 PM
Jul 2017

would be met by the Maverick. He has and opportunity to retire as a hero or a bum.

Senator McCain I'm sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis. And wish you well. I would ask you at this time in your life when the need for medical care is obvious. I would ask that you consider your fellow Americans need for health care and that you consider this vote the last mission of your long career. Please vote to fix the ACA by not voting to repeal and replace. Let one of your last acts as a Senator be a heroic act. Vote NO on the Senate bill AND speak out loud and clear be the Maverick again. Tell McConnell NO it is done no more Repeal and Replace. Move on. Work to fix the ACA. What possible punishment could anyone threaten you with. Retire with honor give your fellow Americans a going away gift of health care. Go home be with family and fight the cancer. As a fellow veteran I ask you to vote for the greater good. Save healthcare.

cp

(6,543 posts)
43. Truly great
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 04:00 PM
Jul 2017

Thank you, Ferret.
Whatever your experience with cancer is or was, we all wish you and your loved ones the best. To your health!
Besides your brilliant humor, what sustains me is Robert Mueller and his staff fiercely, relentlessly at work.

LongTomH

(8,636 posts)
44. Another righteous smack-down, ferret!!!!
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 04:30 PM
Jul 2017

Loved this......

"So, Sean Spicer, as you embark on this next chapter of your life, I wish you ingrown toenails and post office lines. May you be shunned from decent company for the rest of your days. May every Snickers bar turn to a warm cat turd in your mouth. May the man in the mirror each morning remind you of your crimes. When you get to the afterlife, Sean, know that George Washington will be waiting for you, and he's going to kick you right in the junk. "


Actually, George will have to wait in line, Tom Jefferson and a number of the Founding Dads will be waiting to kick Spicey in the nads!!!

trof

(54,255 posts)
46. ...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 05:08 PM
Jul 2017

Sir:
This is a TERRIFIC catchphrase.
You should insert it after about every third paragraph.
We'll soon be reciting it in unison.

...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.

Brilliant!

Boomerproud

(7,889 posts)
48. In all seriousness, let's hope so, pray whatever.
Tue Jul 25, 2017, 07:40 PM
Jul 2017

If Mueller looks in the right places, someone important is going down. .We need a miracle right now.

Hugin

(32,778 posts)
57. We meet again...
Wed Jul 26, 2017, 02:50 AM
Jul 2017

Unfortunately, it seems each time under the influence of evermore escalating cray-cray.

I honestly thought by now you'd have scaled the fence at the Esalen Institute pleading for sanctuary. (I can't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind... Constantly.)

A little more on my research into the cray... I happened upon a tome called, "The Archaic Revival" by the previously mentioned Terrance McKenna and I'll be darned if he wasn't correct. Prophetic, in fact.

Enough for now... I'm tired and we need to rest up. Who knew resistance was so much work? C.S. Lewis knew what he was talking about WRT Tyranny.

Thanks so much for your great work! Tah, for now.

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