Fake Eclipse News

[Girard442]

Parody alert, for the irony-impaired.

Skeptics Hope Eclipse Prediction Will Lead to Humiliation of Scientific Community.

A growing group of skeptics is eagerly looking forward to August 21st, 2017. That's the day that astronomers have predicted that an eclipse of the sun will be visible throughout North America with the eclipse being total in a narrow swath slicing diagonally across the United States.

"The arrogance of these so-called intellectuals is nothing short of astonishing", says Ken Ham, president of the creationist organization Answers in Genesis and who runs the Creation Museum and the Ark Encounter. "They have websites based on their 'mathematical models' that purport to predict the exact locations where the eclipse will be visible and the exact times of each part of the eclipse, supposedly with split-second accuracy. This from a community that has guessed the age of the Earth to be billions of years, rather than the true age of 6,000 years."

Prominent climate change skeptics have joined in. "For years, I've heard these...scientists testify before Congress about the dire threat of global warming", says Senator James InHofe. "It's always, math this, data that, like that proves anything. I'm really, really happy that these hoaxers have so completely painted themselves into a corner on the eclipse thing. When the sun shines brightly everywhere on August 21st, we can finally get these people out of our hair and run this government on common sense, like the Founders intended."

Conservative theologians have joined the fray. Franklin Graham, son of the renowned evangelist Billy Graham, and Jerry Falwell Jr., son of the late Jerry Falwell, issued a joint statement: "In Genesis 1:1, the Bible says, 'God created the heaven and the earth.' God sets the planets in the heavens in their courses and it is blasphemy for man to try to predict the future in a domain that belongs solely to God." Graham went on to say that the mysterious symbols and obscure ancient concepts in the "higher mathematics" used by scientists resemble the spells of sorcerers and wizards who ultimately derived their power from Satan.

As expected President Donald Trump dived in with a short Twitter message, "Dark in the day? Fake news, just like climate change. They lose bigly when nothing happens."

Members of the scientific community have been strangely silent on this issue, although a staff member at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory who declined to reveal his identity in a telephone interview did state, "Are you f---ing kidding me?"

[pangaia]

1. "Are you f---ing kidding me?"

[beam me up scottie]

2. Actually that does sound like something Ken Ham would say.

[progressoid]

4. LOL! Excellent photo!

[beam me up scottie]

5. It's one of my favorites!

[NRaleighLiberal]

3. These people must live in constant fear. Life IS hell for them - their own private hell.

[SCantiGOP]

6. Having drinks with some friends last weekend

Columbia SC will get a total blackout for about 2 1/2 minutes. In talking about not one guy says "I wish they would postpone it to the weekend so more people could see it." I knew he was kidding but the hilarious thing was seeing two people have a weird look on their face for about 2 seconds, followed by a look of "Oh shit."

[beam me up scottie]

7. Did you write this?

It's really good.

[Permanut]

8. So, if I understand this clearly..

On August 21st, 2017, at around 9:30 am, while I and 40,000 others gather outside and watch the sky go dark for about 2 minutes in Lincoln City, Oregon, we will also be able to predict that Ken Ham, the Mango Mussolini, Franklin Graham, Inhofe, spawn of Falwell and all the other right wing freaks will apologize for all the bullshit they've spewed since, oh, forever. They will embrace science, and forever more preach that the Bible is NOT a science book.

[Wednesdays]

12. No, they'll just say

They'll just say the passing of the moon in front of the sun was all a lucky coincidence.

[MLAA]

9. Excellent! Well, well done! n/t

[LeftInTX]

10. Fooled me until I looked at the top of the article. Very well done.

[mr_lebowski]

11. Totally Awesome Sauce!!! LOVE IT!!!

If I could make two minor editorial remarks, w/the best of intentions:
1) change it so only 1 paragraph opens with the phrase "have joined (in/the fray)" ... even if it's subtly different in one of the two cases (maybe like "Never ones to be left out of a debate involving Know-It-All Liberal Elites, Prominent Climate Change Deniers said ... ", or some such) it makes for a better writing, and
2) Dove, not dived

Other than those two very minor quibbles, this is extremely well-done and professional-sounding ... GREAT WORK!

[logosoco]

13. I have been obsessed with the eclipse for over a year now!

I can't believe we are this close finally!

At times over the past several months I think "Well, at least this is not something the current administration can screw up!"