At the risk of controversy...shit be cray.
Last edited Tue Aug 22, 2017, 12:06 AM - Edit history (1)
Hey folks, I don't believe we've spoken since Steve Bannon's swollen thorax got dragged from the White House, coating the floors with a sticky, viscous, gin-smelling fluid, which my sources tell me Reince Preibus has been rehired to remove.
Bannon snarled something about being "unleashed" and "going to war" before vomiting on himself, smelling the alcohol in his vomit, tearing his puke-soaked shirt off, sucking it dry, and slithering into the night.
In the aftermath, Seb Gorka has retreated to the West Wing's air ducts, scuttling about and spitting acid at anyone who comes too near, while Stephen Miller hides behind his own forehead, which he has disguised as a decorative table with the addition of a doily and a vase.
Of course, just cuz Darth Wino is physically gone doesn't mean he didn't flip the Administrative State switch to "Deconstruct" on the way out.
Interior ordered a halt to scientific research into the health effects of mountaintop removal coal mining, because Amurica isn't about to allow something as inconsequential as a few pleb's lives to stand between coal executives and their year-end bonuses.
Oh, and Team Shart disbanded an advisory council related to climate change, perhaps because they were afraid everyone was about to resign in protest like all his other councils, or perhaps simply because science is for cucks.
Anyhow, we're all still stumbling around, dazed from the knowledge that we're being governed by an amoral shitmaggot who sticks up for terrorists who commit vehicular homicide.
Even so, America rose up, and sang, as one, "Not That We Thought it Would Come to This, But Just Cuz the President Doesn't Seem to Mind Nazis as Much as he Should, Doesn't Mean the Rest of Us Aren't Gonna Chase You Fucks Underground."
And Boston was where we proved it.
Most of the "Free Speech Defenders" coughcoughNAZIS were smart enough to back out, but a hundred or so turned up, only to find themselves outnumbered eleventy-million-to-one, and fled their rally early for the comfort of their subreddit safe spaces.
The Charlottesville shitsacks seem to be spending their days avoiding arrest, sobbing like musical theatre kids watching RENT, deleting their Twitter counts for being shitty, or giving hilariously clueless interviews. In short, they're being shunned and mocked, the way things ought to be in the United States of America in the 21st century. Fuck yeah.
Meanwhile, there're so many confederate monuments coming down that Jeff Sessions refuses to come out of his office, nostalgically fapping to his well-worn VHS copy of THE BIRTH OF A NATION.
It seems numerous charities have decided that being associated with the C'mon, Some Nazis Are Swell guy is bad for branding, and they're abandoning their pricey Marm-a-Lago galas like a college party that turns out to be a Hare Krishna recruitment event.
Shit, by 2018, Don the Con's fancy hotels'll be forced to rely on cut-rate Klansmen Cotillions for revenue. Yes, and all the shitty white supremacists' daughters can flit about in enormous dresses, frantically fighting off the advances of Shower Drain Hair Clog Dudes this movement attracts.
Now, not everyone's upset at Velveeta Himmler's both-sidesism; hell, the KKK is downright "proud!" "Thanks for normalizing white supremacy on the heels of a FUCKING JUNIOR NAZI KILLING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IN A TERRORIST ATTACK," said some Fantabulous Warlock or Most High Turdmage, or whatever Magic the Gathering name these clowns call themselves.
And of course there've been a handful of weak-as attempts to block for the White Supremacist Apologist in Chief. Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag insisted that the Rapists-and-Murderers guy wasn't racist. Faux Christian/Equally Faux Educator Jerry Falwell Jr. insisted Drumpfy's actually doing tons n' tons to help "the minorities," eliciting both laughter and diploma abandonment. Katrina Pierson, she of the bullet necklace and the blind obedience to her God Emperor, tied herself up in so many knots she wound up talking about how good slavery was.
(This seems like a good point to mention that I'm not making any of this shit up. No, not even that last sentence.)
Axios asked a bunch of Shart House staffers, "Hey, how the fuck do you drag yourself out of bed to go work for a guy who tells America they aren't nice enough to Nazi terrorists? Is it drugs? Follow-up question: since you must be getting unusually good drugs, can I have your guy's number?" And the staffers are like "Yeah, it sucks, but if it wasn't for us he'd have started a war with Mexico because Salma Hayek wouldn't go out with him, or maybe dispatched the marines to Jake Tapper's house. SOMETIMES HE WANDERS INTO THE SITUATION ROOM AND STARTS PUSHING BUTTONS JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WE FUCKING DEAL WITH, MAN!"
Oh, and there are already Charlottesville "truthers" you'll be delighted to learn. Yes, it's all some massive Soros/Obama/Clinton false flag op, designed to...to make Nazis look bad, which I guess is something people need to be told (especially if that one horrifying poll can be trusted), in 2017, in the United States of America. Oh well, at least none of them are in government.
...wait.
Looks like even the institutional GOP is beginning to give up on that ever-elusive "pivot." Senator Tim Scott went so far as to suggest that President Pussy-Grabber risks losing his "moral authority." MSNBC asked Susan Collins if La Grande Sharte would even be the GOP nominee in 2020, and she was all "Wellllllllll let's see how this thing with Dany and Jon works out first." And John Kasich lurks in the background, licking his lips, muttering "no, we isn't mounting a primary challenge, Precious, OH YES WE IS, PRECIOUS" whenever he comes across a reflective surface.
Even Mitch McConnell, wearing a shiny new "I stole a Supreme Court seat and all I got was this lousy 18% approval rating" t-shirt found some semblance of a spine inside that turtle shell of his, telling the press that he believes most news is REAL rather than fake, which, I suddenly remember to my dismay, amounts to a direct assault on the President of the United States.
And Paul Ryan issued a stern statement on the Facebooks, before returning to the work of getting this shameful hate monger to sign off on massive tax cuts for the wealthy, because PRINCIPLES!
On the Democrat side of the aisle, there are proposals for censure, proposals for impeachment, and proposals for Seriously, Can We Maybe Get This Guy Examined by Mental Health Professionals Before He Figures Out Where the Army Keeps the Anthrax and Dumps it Into Lake Michigan?
USAToday let us know that the Living Garbage Pail Kid's insatiable appetite for weekend golf has practically bankrupted the Secret Service, leaving hundreds of agents uncompensated for the overtime they've put in protecting President Shartcannon and his Turd Circus Family. For a bit of extra fun, huge chunks of the Secret Service budget have been redistributed from We the People, the American taxpayer, directly into the Swiss Family Robinshart's greedy little pockets.
Fuck, 60,000 bucks just for fucking golf cart rentals. Remember that the next time these walking hemorrhoids hold a press conference touting SCROTUS donating his salary to some government department whose budget he's decimating; that he charges us to have the Secret Service rent golf carts on his personal property.
On Sunday evening, the USS John S McCain collided with a commercial ship, five sailors were hurt and another ten are missing. Tangerine Idi Amin, like any good commander in chief, got on twitter and bitched about how mean the media is to him. When a reporter asked for comment, he said "that's too bad."
"That's too bad." Now, Dorito Mussolini is taking quite a hit in the press for his lack of sensitivity, but I say hey, less than a week ago he talked about how nice some Nazis are, so this represents a step in the right direction, heaven help us all.
And I see that President What-if-The-China-Syndrome-Took-Place-in-a-Sewage-Treatment-Plant decided to look straight into the eclipse, because the dude with nuclear codes has the discipline of That One Second Grader Whose Mom Packs Him a Grape Soda and a Snickers Bar For Lunch.
This one might actually work out for us, Resistors. If he did enough retinal damage, maybe one of us can slap on a Kellyanne Conway wig and maybe get close enough to get him to sign a resignation letter...
Aaaaaand the Candycorn Skidmark announced a little escalation in the Afghanistan War a minute ago; how fucking desperate do you have to be to think escalating a 16-year debacle will rescue your plummeting approval ratings? Anyhow, he was a very good boy who read right off the teleprompter without saying any nice things about Klansmen. This time.
"Yes, it's one more campaign promise I've betrayed, but my new Chief of Staff sends me to bed without ice cream if I don't sign off on his troop deployment orders, so please know that not only your children, but your children's children and your children's children's children will be sent to die in the Graveyard of Empires, because nothing terrifies your President more than looking weak."
I feel safer already.
There's more. Of COURSE there's more, but if I look at one more paragraph of news, I'm just going to start shrieking, one single, formless, high-pitched squeal, at the top of my lungs, until I just drop down dead.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that today's eclipse will be the very last until your next chance to VOTE IN THE GODDMAN MIDTERMS, so there's that.
= new reply since forum marked as read
"Even so, America rose up, and sang, as one, "Not That We Thought it Would Come to This, But Just Cuz the President Doesn't Seem to Mind Nazis as Much as he Should, Doesn't Mean the Rest of Us Aren't Gonna Chase You Fucks Underground."
Been waiting for this!!! "Turd Circus Family"...epic!
it has been a while and I count on you for the news - so thanks. Can't see or hear assface anymore as it is bad for my health but do need to know what is going on. 
OMG! I sense that's gonna get stolen...
Thanks for posting
OMG. I love the ingenious nicknames.
He did look more orange, I thought, last night while reading off the teleprompter.
Response to TheFerret (Original post)
Response to GopherGal (Reply #46)
