Stalking, actually: why men who reject rejection are not romantic heroes
Stalking, actually: why men who reject rejection are not romantic heroes
Tauriq Moosa
Sitcoms and films teach us to view women as property, and their boundaries as obstacles to overcome. It’s time to call out this creepy, entitled behaviour
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‘Films like Love Actually tell us that men’s persistence in the face of rejection is admirable.’ Photograph: Peter Mountain/imagenet
A man set up a piano in public vowing “to play non-stop until the love of his life returns to him”. He told the Bristol Post it was his “last throw of the dice” to win back the heart of the girl who changed his life”. The article describes him as “heartbroken”. That’s a shame, it really is, but unfortunately, there is nothing cute or romantic about a man making loud, public demands for a woman’s attention, time and affection. The piano player’s vigil has ended – after he says he was attacked early yesterday morning. Obviously nothing about his conduct warrants that sort of reaction, but it’s time that both men and the media stopped presenting such entitled, creepy behaviour as “cute” or deserving of sympathy.
Rejection is painful, but that pain doesn’t give anyone licence to disregard another individual’s assertion of boundaries – which is what rejection is: a drawing of lines excluding us. People are allowed to draw up whatever boundaries they like in terms of who they wish to spend time with or date. As adults we should learn to accept this and move on. But men have long been taught to disregard boundaries, as any glance at statistics of street harassment demonstrates.
People learn behaviours as they grow up in many ways, and it’s not just parents but society and pop culture that teach us what’s acceptable. And these things teach us that such entitled behaviour is not only welcome, but a normal part of relationships. One of the highest rated sitcoms of all time, The Big Bang Theory, has a lead female character outline the basis of her romantic relationship with the male lead by saying: “He started to slowly wear me down.” Cue laughter. On another occasion: “He didn’t trick me, he just wore me down.” More laughs.
. . . .
Showing this boundary crossing behaviour as acceptable, instead of a problem, tells men it is OK in real life. As the academic Julia Lippman noted, “depictions of these romanticized pursuit behaviors can in fact have a clear and negative impact, in that they can lead people to see stalking as a less serious crime than they otherwise would”. Much of the research she summarises indicates how the media can play into myths about stalking – giving rise to victim-blaming (“she’s playing hard to get”), sympathy instead of condemnation, and other erroneous beliefs that lead to men’s harmful behaviours. “People may fail to take stalking seriously because they endorse ‘myths’ about stalking.” After all, the TV and film industry keeps telling us this is romantic because leading men do it all the time. But just because such behaviour has a laughter track accompanying it doesn’t make it alright.
For a start, perhaps we can stop calling grown-up, adult women 'girls' Instead of teaching men to respect women’s boundaries, however painful rejection may be, the media teach us that our feelings, our sense of entitlement, matter more. As men, we’re told to disregard women as people and view them instead as goals to pursue, view rejection as an obstacle to overcome, view boundaries as fences to wear down. Women become property, not partners.
. . . .
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/sep/12/stalking-men-rejection-romantic-sitcoms-films-creepy-women-boundaries
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Rebecca Schaeffer
Born Rebecca Lucile Schaeffer
November 6, 1967
Eugene, Oregon, U.S.
Died July 18, 1989 (aged 21)
Los Angeles, California, U.S.
Resting place Ahavai Sholom Cemetery
Education Lincoln High School
Professional Children's School
Occupation Actress, model
Years active 1985–1989
Rebecca Lucile Schaeffer (November 6, 1967 – July 18, 1989) was an American model and actress.
Schaeffer began her career as a teen model before moving on to acting. In 1986, she landed the role of Patricia "Patti" Russell in the CBS sitcom My Sister Sam. After the series was canceled in 1988, Schaeffer appeared in several films, including the black comedy Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills, which was released six weeks before her death.
On July 18, 1989, Schaeffer was fatally shot in the doorway of her West Hollywood apartment building by Robert John Bardo. Bardo was obsessed with Schaeffer and had been stalking her for three years. He was sentenced to life imprisonment for her murder. Schaeffer's death helped prompt the 1990 passage of America's first anti-stalking laws, in California.
. . . .
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebecca_Schaeffer
He's being so romantic! He's being so nice! I wish someone would treat me like that! Why can't she give him a chance? Why is she being so hard on him? Why is she so frigid? Why is she such a bitch?
Why you gotta be so humorless? It's just a cartoon!
Plus, this dude was a grown-ass 34 years old! Not some clueless high school sophomore!
Most of the time it is presented as a joke. These portrayals are not helpful either as they reinforce negative stereotypes, and women can certainly violently stalk men (see the male celebrities who have been stalked and even assaulted by "fans"
. ALL forms of stalking are radically unhealthy behaviors.
I've seen people dismiss sexual abuse between adult females and adolescent males (or even ten or eleven year old males -- just saying that they are "lucky" . There are many films that make fun of female stalkers, and they never show the female stalkers as a serious violent threat (except in a very few notable cases in which the man has already "transgressed" by engaging with the woman sexually -- as in Fatal Attraction or The Crush -- so he is also being "punished" for his transgression by the stalking behavior)
The protagonist is fascinating and funny and scary, the narrative is engrossing, making for a book that was hard to put down. It's as much a character study as it is a thriller. The sequel, HIDDEN BODIES, is really great too.
“Hypnotic and scary.” —Stephen King
From debut author Caroline Kepnes comes You, one of Suspense Magazine’s Best Books of 2014, and a brilliant and terrifying novel for the social media age.
When a beautiful, aspiring writer strides into the East Village bookstore where Joe Goldberg works, he does what anyone would do: he Googles the name on her credit card.
There is only one Guinevere Beck in New York City. She has a public Facebook account and Tweets incessantly, telling Joe everything he needs to know: she is simply Beck to her friends, she went to Brown University, she lives on Bank Street, and she’ll be at a bar in Brooklyn tonight—the perfect place for a “chance” meeting.
As Joe invisibly and obsessively takes control of Beck’s life, he orchestrates a series of events to ensure Beck finds herself in his waiting arms. Moving from stalker to boyfriend, Joe transforms himself into Beck’s perfect man, all while quietly removing the obstacles that stand in their way—even if it means murder.
A terrifying exploration of how vulnerable we all are to stalking and manipulation, debut author Caroline Kepnes delivers a razor-sharp novel for our hyper-connected digital age. You is a compulsively readable page-turner that’s being compared to Gone Girl, American Psycho, and Stephen King’s Misery.
I have the news on quite a lot & I don't recall hearing a thing about this. It would at least have gotten a bottom banner notice if it had happened in a theater or bar.
