One Year In, O'Reilly is Already Yelling at God
Hello my loves...as always, my deepest thanks for reading, and please check out the piece with links at:
http://showercapblog.com/not-even-one-year-bill-oreilly-already-yelling-god/
My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster.
So Comrade Shart keeps ignoring deadlines to impose legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, but he somehow found time to ban Bill Browder, one of Uncle Vlad's very least favorite people, from entering the United States.
Browder is one of the leading advocates for the Magnitsky Act sanctions that keep fucking Vlad and his Merry Band of Oligarchs so very, very hard. So they fabricated some bullshit charges, sent 'em to Interpol, and Donald said "Yes boss, should I stooge out some more undercover operatives for ya today?" and Vlad chuckled and said "That won't be necessary...but I will require you to DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!"
And Lindsey Graham's over in the corner, going "Golly Gee, my golfin' pal Don seems to have a 'blind spot' when it comes to Russia, and dip my balls in a bucket of ice cold sweet tea if I can figure out what it is!"
Fuck you, Lindsey.
So I guess we're putting nuke-armed planes back on 24-hour alert, for the first time since Bell Biv DeVoe was charting? That's neat. You thought DR. STRANGELOVE was satire? WELL, YOU'RE LIVIN' IN IT NOW, CUUUUUUUUCKS!
Brad Parscale, digital director of the Shart Campaign, voted "Most Likely to Lie Under Oath" by his peers, gets his turn in front of the House Intelligence Committee soon. Don't worry, Brad. I'm sure it's just the latest zany coincidence, how all those Russian fake gnus sites micro-targeted their Pizzagate stories so dang well.
John McCain went on The View to sing a little song about Il Douche that went something like:
Lied about spurs on his bony bony
Dodging that draft cuz he's such a phony
And then all the hosts asked "Hey, that orange-tinted fellow keeps threatening you, are you a-scurred of him at all?" and Senator McCain just laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.
We all understand how being laughed at sends SCROTUS into fits, so you know the pure, unadulterated, joyous, amusement radiating off Senator McCain at the mere thought of perceiving him as even the teeeeeniest bit frightening left him shaking his wee, inadequate, fists at the heavens in impotent rage.
(All the nuclear codes in the world won't make a man out of you, Donald. And every human being on earth knows it.)
Couple this with the article in the Post about how everyone in congress views the Shart of the Deal as a blundering nincompoop who can't be trusted, who knows fuckall about anything, LEAST OF ALL DEALMAKING, HAR HAR HAR, just a rube they manipulate like a spoiled child, and you can't help but wonder whether or not Velveeta Goebbels understands that he's become the most mocked man on Earth.
Scott Pruitt's hiring a bunch of new security guards, allegedly due to threats received from talking cartoon animals from Fern Gully movies. No money for Meals on Wheels, but there are millions lying around for Scotty 2 Haughty, who feels fancier with his own personal, shittier, Secret Service. Got it.
Pruitt gets a private army, Zinke gets his own flag...what next? Maybe Wilbur Ross sets up a bear-baiting pit in the Herbert C. Hoover Building lobby?
Bill O'Reilly is 31 flavors of pissed off that the world found out about his $32 million Pervert Payoff. Apparently it's a massive "hit job" by the dirty librul media to make him look bad?
Meanwhile, the rest of America is STILL trying to figure out what level of depravity a man has to sink to to necessitate a THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLAR PAYOUT.
THIRTY-TWO MILLION. I've typed and erased some genuinely horrifying speculations from this paragraph. Is there, like, video of O'Reilly eating Sean Hannity's asshole after some sort of horrific spicy burrito challenge?
What's publicly known about this settlement already heavily implies rape. A "nonconsensual sexual relationship." That's what's already out there. And somehow, there's something else, something worth THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS to cover up.
My brain is literally refusing to contemplate this further. Whatever Bill-O is hiding, it must be...god, I don't even want to pick a word to end this sentence. SHUDDER.
(Oh fucking hell. While I'm writing tonight, I see that Bill O'Reilly, a dude who is WIDELY accused of serial sexual abuse, is now blaming God for his troubles. God. Motherfucking GOD. Bill O'Reilly, Lifelong Jagoff Pervert, is mad at YAHWEH ABOVE ALL for whatever nastiness led him to sign off on a 32 MILLION DOLLAR PERVERT SETTLEMENT. I retire, folks. I can't top that shit.)
Moving on. The Marmalade Shartcannon continues his passionate devotion to the one issue that drives him above all others; attacking black women who have the audacity to criticize him.
In this case, that seems to mean using the full force of the famed Presidential bully pulpit to shit on the 24-year-old widow of a soldier killed serving his country.
Folks, I know we're barely nine months into this unceasing, hurricane-grade, shitshow, and we sort of expect some new atrocity to manifest daily, but lest we become numb to the mendacious, casually racist, lazy evil of this regime, read that last sentence a couple more times to give it the weight it deserves.
The President of the United States, having caused a Gold Star widow unnecessary pain with his insensitive "condolence" call, rather than apologizing, or even just moving on with his life, decided to call her a liar. Publicly. Loudly.
Why? Why is the Commander in Chief taking time out of what ought to be a busy day just to attack a woman who wasn't even allowed to open her husband's casket, such was the state of his remains? Does he have nothing better to do? With millions of American citizens STILL without power in Puerto Rico?
How warped with racist hate do you have to be to make the decision our President made this morning, lying in bed with his phone, to tweet that attack on a grieving private citizen? And yeah, let's be honest about the racism at work here...Eminem dumped on him in front of an audience of MILLIONS, and Shartboy didn't say a thing. But a black woman, backed up by a a black, female member of Congress? THAT cannot pass uncontested.
...I'm just tired of being governed by a Walking Sack of Shit, is all I'm saying. A man who sees "very fine people" in a gathering of Nazi terrorists, but an enemy in a fallen soldier's grieving wife.
Ex-Congressdeadbeat Joe Walsh spent the day fighting for his God-given inalienable right to shit on a family that gave more for their country than he ever will, surprising exactly nobody who recalls his race against Tammy Duckworth.
Look Joe, of COURSE you have the right to attack Myeshia Johnson. Shit, you have the RIGHT to wander the halls of a pediatric cancer ward, eating ice cream you refuse to share and taunting the patients with all the things you get to do that they don't; it just makes you an enormous asshole.
Walsh is like one of those College Republican fratboys who act like the freedom of the entire Republic hinges on their personal right to use the N word.
As a super-fun sidebar to the Niger story, I guess it turns out that our Senators didn't even know we had troops deployed there in the first place? Even Lindsey Graham, who has a complete set of Topps International Quagmire trading cards autographed by the commanding officers of each debacle, has been caught unawares.
I guess electing a know-nothing with a "Whatever You Want, General" approach to civilian oversight of the military wasn't the best idea. HUH.
Also, Melania launched her anti-bullying campaign today. Are there any available jokes left on this topic? I don't get these posts up until relatively late in the day, and I have to assume every inch of this particular field is well-trampled by now.
We're getting a bunch of stories lately about how the GOP, so vigorous in their pursuit of "oversight" just one short year ago, seem curiously uninterested in monitoring the crimes of the executive branch these days, even as Jared Kushner leaves the office with pockets bulging with Revolutionary War-era silverware every night.
Apparently Elijah Cummings has been pestering Gowdy Doody to investigate those private e-mails Jar-Jar and Ivanka were using (you remember, the ones they hastily moved to Trump Organization servers once the media discovered them), which is weird, because you'd think Trey would be all over this, I seem to remember him getting REALLY worked up about private e-mail use in the past. Maybe I'm confused.
You sort of want to see a buddy cop show starring Cummings and Gowdy, where Elijah continually presses his partner to investigate crimes, but Trey refuses unless the alleged perpetrator is Hillary Clinton. At the end of every episode, America dies a little.
See that Politico story about all the fucktons of money Democratic candidates are raising for 2018 elections, and how much piss is accumulating in the collective pants of Republicans who have to face voters with "Hey, I know the President spends a lot of time golfing and defending Nazi terrorists, but at least we passed no bills that matter, vote for meeeeeeeohgodIknowhowstupiditsoundstoevenask," with at least 162 candidates raising more than 100 grand already? GODDAMN THAT IS A SEXXXY STORY, IS IT NOT?
I don't know about y'all, Resisters, but I am SEXUALLY AROUSED for the rapidly approaching opportunity to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Oh God, it's just over a year away now, but I think I need to put some Marvin Gaye on. Unnnnnnnnnnnh.
I missed this one, but it looks like the Army Reserve, despite missing recruiting goals, has banned green card holders from enlisting, because racism is more important than security to the turdworms governing our country.
...sleep tight.
Knowing that the massive giveaway to the wealthy donor class their tax plan proposes will be frowned upon by the rubes who happily ate all those platefuls of horseshit Orange Julius Caesar fed them on the campaign trail, Republicans have decided to fall back on their one tried n' true tactic: lying with shit-eating grins on their faces.
The standard line is that the "average" family will magically have $4,000 extra, through the magic of trickle-down economics, which will totally work this time, unlike all the other times.
The line also fudges a bit on the whole "average" thing. Yes, Secretary Mnuchin will save enough money to keep his trophy wife hanging around a year or two after the viagra stops working, and Donnie Dotard's shitty devolved children will save enough to build a compound in some third world nation without an extradition treaty, but you? Shit, Dawg! Go ahead, splurge! Get sprinkles on that donut. Replace the laces in your work shoes. If you wanna get real nutz, take the whole family to the movies, just don't order large sodas. POPULISM!
And Republicans in Iowa threw in the towel on their latest attempt to "restructure" Obamacare, having run into the same problem Republicans always encounter in their health care fuckery: how to take coverage away from their constituents while still avoiding blame for all the death n' stuff. Call it the How Can We Get Them to Thank Us For Unplugging Gramma Conundrum.
Anyway, I'm tired, and I can't think of a funny way to wrap up tonight's post, FOR WHICH I BLAME GOD. Go about your business, all ye Resisters, all ye Cucks.
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Pervert Payoff!! 
Thanks for keeping us sane in these cray cray times!
Brilliant as always. 
Thank You!
