As a young man, my love life was pretty spotty, until I tried something new.

[MineralMan]

I stopped trying so hard, and that seemed to do the trick. I stopped trying to initiate things and got more patient. At parties, for example, where I didn't know many people, I'd sit in a comfortable place, watch the goings on and just look interested in that. It never took long before someone would come over and start a conversation. Sometimes, that conversation would lead to other things.

If I was potentially interested in someone, instead of doing the usual male display stuff, I'd just greet her in a friendly way when our paths crossed and be pleasant. Instead of being active in trying to start something up, I'd just let her either get interested in me or let things pass by. That worked better than what I had been doing before.

I also learned basic conversational skills, or figured out that they were useful with women as well as other guys. What did I have in common with someone? Well, once I figured that out, conversation was easy. Then, proximity and chatting could lead to something else, if that was in the cards.

Essentially, I stopped trying to begin relationships and just let them happen, if they were going to happen, naturally. And they did, somewhat to my surprise. No anxiety. No nervousness. No awkward moments, really.

That's what I did. It also removed any chance of moving in aggressively on someone who wasn't interested.

[unblock]

1. oh, you and your infuriating...

...wisdom!



yeah, if relationships depended on men making the first move i'd be alone forever. i have zero initiative on that front.

[MrScorpio]

2. I did the same thing

I waited until my late 20s before I started.

Better things came way when I didn’t try as hard.

[Iggo]

3. My secret weapon: Be nice.

Shh.

Don't tell anyone.

(EDIT: Notice I didn't say, "Act nice.&quot

[malaise]

4. Real nice post

I never realized how hard it was for guys until a good friend and his wife told me their love story.
They were at this party - didn't know each other. He asked several girls to dance - all said no. It was cruel fun for a group of girls to say no after the first one rejected him. She said yes and they're still dancing 40 years later.

[panader0]

6. I watched a friend of mine go up to a table with three young ladies.

He looked at one and said "Would you like to dance?"
She said no. He said "I wasn't talking to you."

[malaise]

10. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

I love that

[MineralMan]

9. Yes. I was too eager by far, and that triggered avoidance a lot of times.

When I stopped trying, I discovered that I didn't have to try. I didn't look threatening or needy. I wasn't in pursuit. It turns out that everyone is looking for someone to talk to, pretty much. So, if you make yourself available and look friendly, why not?

I think that's it. I'm no Greek God, that's for sure, so it wasn't my amazing looks. I'm a friendly sort of person, though, and open to a conversation just about always. I guess that came through.

[malaise]

11. It was muh harder for young men back in the day

You guys had to make all the moves - well most of them.

[MineralMan]

12. I don't know, really. I'm 72 years old, so "back in the day"

goes quite a ways back. I figured this all out in about 1969, after being loveless in the USAF for four years. Once I stopped "making moves," everything went a lot better, it turned out. I'm out of the market these days, of course, but I suspect the same thing would work just as well now. Not with everyone, but there are all sorts of people out there. There's bound to be someone who is interested in you just about everywhere.

Or so it seems.

[Jim Lane]

14. To what extent has that changed?

I have the vague impression that it's now somewhat easier for a woman to make the first move, but that, in terms of people's expectations and actions, it's still nowhere near equal.

[snooper2]

5. please describe "usual male display stuff"

Were other males around you arm wrestling? Doing beer bongs? Beating on their chests like Tarzan?

[MineralMan]

8. Trying clever lines, looking a little cocky.

Walking up and saying stupid things like, "How YOU doin'?" That sort of thing. Instead, you're sitting there quietly and self-contained, smiling and watching people, and someone walks up and says, "I saw you sitting over here all by yourself. I'm Joan." That's how I met my first wife. We were married for 17 years. Or, sitting in the college snack bar by myself, working a crossword puzzle, while watching people go by. "Hi! Could I have the front section of your paper? I'm Karen."

I don't know. It just worked. People came up and introduced themselves and a conversation ensued. My wife now of 26 years came up and started a conversation in the Press Room at COMDEX in 1991. She sat down across the table from me and just said, "Hi, I'm Kathy." We got married three months later. We had lots in common and discovered all that pretty quickly.

[kstewart33]

17. We can see those cocky types a mile away.

I stayed away from them as a waste of time. They're operators.

[Aristus]

7. Same thing happened to me.

Once I stopped being so frantic and anxious about interpersonal relationships, they started happening.

[treestar]

13. Good idea

I remember in high school being asked out by boys who had never even talked to me before. That is stupid. Don't ask out any female you have not established some conversation with first!

Or finding I was not interested, getting angry and making fun of me. Have a little self respect!

[bagelsforbreakfast]

15. Let's face it there is no way (until say the last 10 years) this

information was taught to men/boys or available to them.

With the internet and THE GAME, etc. some if it is getting out there - but it's not generally visible in our entertainment and culture.

We're more used to seeing the John Wayne and UFC version of potential for violence=sex appeal and the Maxim models dating the thug (attitude not ethnicity folks) football players and misogynist rappers doesn't help. For every CHARADE (wit & style) there are 10 neo-John Wayne/Chuck Norris etc.

[maranadem]

16. Im 67. I figured out when I was about 17

When I figured out that dating was similer to borrowing money from a bank. If you acted like you needed a loan, you almost neer got it. If you acted like you din’t need it, or don’t really care either way, well, you get the idea. Always polite, always respectful but never needy.

[customerserviceguy]

18. These days

everybody in the dating market puts themselves out there on the Internet. I'm reminded of the 45 year old movie, "Logan's Run", where you could go "on channel" to make yourself available. That piece of science fiction has become fact.

[pnwmom]

19. Another thing -- a lot of young guys could work on their listening skills.

My future husband wasn't tooting his own horn -- he was listening, and appearing to care about the answers.

It was a very appealing characteristic.

[MineralMan]

20. Absolutely. Ask questions and then

listen. Just simple life history questions. No prying about personal stuff. Really, if you are interested in someone, find out more about that person.

[pnwmom]

22. It is also useful to be handy. (Not handsy.)

My future husband repaired my stereo and thawed and defrosted my freezer . . . before he thawed me. So to speak.

[MineralMan]

24. Oh, yes. That never hurts.

[Denzil_DC]

21. Sounds a lot like me and my history.

I went through the usual clumsy courting teens do once I became interested in the opposite sex, but not that much as I was quite shy, acne-ridden, and about as awkward as any of my peers.

I did have some brief affairs as I got a little older, but nothing particularly emotionally satisfactory for me or the women involved in the long term.

I adopted a similar approach to yours, or maybe better to describe it as a non-approach, in the sense it wasn't calculated to bring about a result.

I treated women much as I'd treat guys in terms of friendliness, interest, respect, whatever. I got "friend-zoned" a lot. A lot of regretful "Oh, I just don't think of you that way." I think in retrospect I also missed some opportunities to get together with a few women at different times as I wasn't very good at reading "signs", and it was the old stand-off of "who makes the first move?", with the women feeling if the guy didn't, it was probably because he just wasn't interested in that way.

In the end, I took it further. I stopped even thinking about it. Well, that's an exaggeration, I'm a guy. But I got heavily involved in politics, direct action, interrelating intensely with people in some quite crazy and often stressful situations.

And what do you know, my passivity and the fact I wasn't self-conscious about seeking a hookup or whatever ended up being somehow attractive, and after a few brief encounters led to an entirely unexpected love affair that began on the spur of the moment.

There's still some teasing about "who made the first move" and dispute about what exactly happened that night in terms of who grabbed who at what point etc. (witnesses are only reliable if they bear out your own memories, apparently), but we've been married for over 30 years now.

[NickB79]

23. Women can smell desperation a mile away

Sitting there happily enjoying the party without looking stressed out and speaking in a normal, friendly fashion gave the aura of self-confidence instead.