HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » Editorials & Other Articles (Forum) » The new reality of dating...

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:15 PM

The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don't

Antonio D’Alfonso, 66, is a believer in marriage: He wed three times and was hoping for a fourth go.

For more than a decade, D’Alfonso, a Montreal writer, has been dating a Toronto widow. The two see each other every couple of months. D’Alfonso wanted more: He proposed five times, only to be rebuffed with every try. The older woman refused to live with him, D’Alfonso said, because she wanted to travel and be free. “I have to ask, and I always ask, so what do you want from me?” he said.

The pair took a two-year hiatus, during which D’Alfonso tried dating other senior-age women only to find that they, too, were reluctant to share a home – this even as D’Alfonso said he cooks and keeps a tidy house.

“I really believe that women no longer need men, whatsoever,” D’Alfonso said. “I’m totally irrelevant.”

D’Alfonso’s push-and-pull with his partners reflects a rift emerging between single women older than 65 and the men they date. Increasingly, these men are encountering resistance from older women who want their own lives, not a full-time relationship. While many in this generation of heterosexual, divorced or widowed women want male companionship, they don’t necessarily relish the thought of moving in with a man. Today, say researchers studying this cohort, more older women are rejecting the downsides of the live-in relationship: the co-dependence, the daily tension within close quarters and the sacrifices made keeping a home, caregiving and doing the emotional legwork to keep their unions humming. Some of these women completely forego dating while others opt for “living apart together” (LAT) arrangements, in which partners in committed relationships choose to keep separate residences.


https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/?fbclid=IwAR08AJG2MXj4xY52snJlBJphYny3QUBw6V-_y1-Nj5JDd_6dOS5z-FguQww

28 replies, 2921 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 28 replies Author Time Post
Reply The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don't (Original post)
Mme. Defarge Nov 24 OP
handmade34 Nov 24 #1
captain queeg Nov 24 #2
Cracklin Charlie Nov 24 #7
Freddie Nov 24 #11
Skittles Nov 24 #22
Guilded Lilly Nov 24 #3
CatMor Nov 24 #4
Mme. Defarge Nov 24 #8
CatMor Nov 24 #12
FirstLight Nov 24 #5
sinkingfeeling Nov 24 #6
Mme. Defarge Nov 24 #9
LizBeth Nov 24 #20
Ohiogal Nov 24 #10
2naSalit Nov 24 #13
intheflow Nov 24 #14
LizBeth Nov 24 #19
Midnight Writer Nov 24 #15
SharonAnn Nov 24 #16
nancy1942 Nov 24 #17
LizBeth Nov 24 #18
NEOBuckeye Nov 24 #21
raccoon Nov 25 #23
Dyedinthewoolliberal Nov 28 #28
JI7 Nov 25 #24
lagomorph777 Nov 25 #25
Skittles Nov 26 #26
lagomorph777 Nov 27 #27

Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:18 PM

1. ...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:20 PM

2. Damn, guess it's going to be hard to find a woman to cook and clean for me

I suspect that might be what a lot of guys are looking for.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to captain queeg (Reply #2)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:30 PM

7. Dang near impossible.

Back in the 70’s, my grandmother, a widow, told me she had to quit going to the Senior Center.

I said why? She says the old men keep trying to date her.
I said what’s wrong with that. She says “they’re just lookin’ for a maid”.

This is not a new phenomenon.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Cracklin Charlie (Reply #7)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:47 PM

11. "A nurse or a purse"

What older men want in a wife, so they say.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Cracklin Charlie (Reply #7)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 11:28 PM

22. easy to get rid of unwanted attention

just scratch your crotch vigorously and say, "The doc said those pills would make this go away but it's been WEEKS!"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:22 PM

3. And...this is a problem because...? Heh.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:26 PM

4. Yep, I can attest to that.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to CatMor (Reply #4)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:39 PM

8. Planning to see my IS (Insignificant Other) over the weekend

at his place. He likes his cooking better than he likes mine, and he is a good cook. What’s not to like?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Reply #8)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:48 PM

12. Ideal situation. ... live apart and he does the cooking.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:28 PM

5. YEP!

My kids finally left the nest this year and I am alone for the first time in my adult life (after 2 husbands and a lifetime of raising kids singlehandedly)

I'm 50... and have NO interest in co-habitation EVER again! I dont want to learn someone's bathroom habits, etc...or have them in my space when I wanna have a "gross day" lol

I would probably welcome a LAT relationship, visits and keep the romance alive kinda thing. But yeah, at this point just looking for a relationship seems like a lot of work.
I am content right now to just be with myself for a while (and the dog & cat dont mind me talking to them or myself either!)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:30 PM

6. No way would I trade my life of travel and doing what I want

to live with a man.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Reply #6)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:40 PM

9. Agreed.

Agreed! Now if we could only get back to going to restaurants and concerts and the theater... 🥲😷

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Reply #9)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 06:40 PM

20. +1

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 04:41 PM

10. Makes sense to me!

You know the old saying .... these older men are just looking for “a nurse with a purse”.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 05:03 PM

13. Reminds me of a joke my sister told me...



A group of women who meet every week for lunch followed by some kind of activity which they decide upon at lunch. Ethel, Velma and Sue usually find something like a movie or a favorite walk along a beach but nearly every time Ethel suggests the bowling alley o r something like that because, "there are men there." This became a tradition with her. One afternoon Ethel couldn't make it to the lunch and the other two began to discuss their discomfort in Ethel's always wanting to go to a place where there are men. Velma said, "Ethel's always talking about men and always wants to go someplace they are and it's annoying." Sue sad, "Yeah, I don't get it, I mean, what would I want with one of those dirty old things?"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 05:03 PM

14. Meanwhile, as a woman dating at 56...

who would truly love to fall in love and live with someone again, all the men in my dating age range want younger women, and if they want to get married, they want a trophy wife. Last guy I dated is 58 and living with a 33 year old. So men wonder why older women don't want to live with them? It's because we have a lifetime of men treating us like servants and baby-makers, and then still wanting more than we can be due to the reality of time.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to intheflow (Reply #14)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 06:40 PM

19. +1

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 05:07 PM

15. As an older gentleman, my experience is the opposite.

The ladies I meet are often widowed or divorced and looking for a partner to accompany them through their Golden Years.

I get surprise visits from women I hardly knew, haven't seen in decades, all the way back to High School days, whose goal seems to be to let me know they are single. The worst are ones I don't remember, who seem genuinely hurt.

Of course, I am an exceptional specimen. Other's experiences may vary.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Midnight Writer (Reply #15)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 05:38 PM

16. LOL!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 06:27 PM

17. How true.

Speaking from experience here; as a widow who made the mistake of falling in love with a much older man and moving in together, now I find myself in a caregiver role for an rapidly failing man who needs constant attention I would give anything to just be alone again with my little dog and do as I please. If that means I'm selfish then so be it. I'm so stressed-out now that I can barely cope.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 06:37 PM

18. I agree. Been there, done that, no interest in doing it again. I am Freeeeee! The thing is, from the

time of being little girls we are conditioned to be this and be that for others. Always considering others. Always letting everyone else be first. Nope. Now it is all me and I still have to pinch myself the feeling. Because I can. I owe no one, nothing. I do not have to smile, I am not representing a masculinity by my looks, not my job to coddle and stroke anothers ego.

Not to mention all the other stuff.

I agree.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Nov 24, 2020, 09:57 PM

21. Incels - the Senior Edition

LOL

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Wed Nov 25, 2020, 08:41 AM

23. IMO this is definitely true. As a single female senior, I'm not

Looking for a relationship with a man, and my friends in the same demographic aren’t either.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to raccoon (Reply #23)

Sat Nov 28, 2020, 12:57 PM

28. I'm 70 and single.

A few times when a woman I found attractive crossed my path I always open with 'I'm really good at having coffee. After that, I'm not so sure................' So my goal is to find women to meet for coffee. That seems to be enough for me.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Wed Nov 25, 2020, 09:17 AM

24. Women are with men because they WANT to be instead of NEED to be . Maybe he needs to consider

adjusting his views/life .

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Wed Nov 25, 2020, 10:52 AM

25. I would never live with a woman again.

(I am male) I need to breathe. I need to pursue my creative passion. I don't need to be owned and abused 24/7.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to lagomorph777 (Reply #25)

Thu Nov 26, 2020, 08:58 PM

26. LOL

maybe you're dating the wrong women?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Skittles (Reply #26)

Fri Nov 27, 2020, 11:13 PM

27. Married 34 years. Definitely dated the wrong woman.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread