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Sun Apr 8, 2018, 03:50 PM

Finally moving Mom & step-dad to assisted living facility

Any suggestions to make it easier? Mom is being horrible about it. APS involved so she has no choice.

17 replies, 839 views

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Reply Finally moving Mom & step-dad to assisted living facility (Original post)
narnian60 Apr 2018 OP
cilla4progress Apr 2018 #1
FakeNoose Apr 2018 #2
likesmountains 52 Apr 2018 #3
narnian60 Apr 2018 #8
Frustratedlady Apr 2018 #4
applegrove Apr 2018 #5
Ohiogal Apr 2018 #6
narnian60 Apr 2018 #10
questionseverything Apr 2018 #7
elocs Apr 2018 #9
narnian60 Apr 2018 #12
Rhiannon12866 Apr 2018 #15
narnian60 Apr 2018 #16
Rhiannon12866 Apr 2018 #17
wishstar Apr 2018 #11
Skittles Apr 2018 #13
hunter Apr 2018 #14

Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 03:53 PM

1. Good luck.

No helpful tips. Just letting you know I heard you and wish all the best!

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 03:57 PM

2. Just visit a lot and let them know you won't forget them

Encourage your Mom to make friends, and participate in the classes and activities. Once she gets familiarized with it, she'll probably enjoy it.

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:02 PM

3. Try posting in the Elder-Caregivers group..lots of good info there.

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Response to likesmountains 52 (Reply #3)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:42 PM

8. Thank you.

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:03 PM

4. Can they take some personal items with them?

My sil moved into an "apartment" at an assisted living center and she was able to take pictures for the walls, pillows, lamps and tables that were familiar to her. She balked at first, but loves it now. Everyone complimented her on how cozy her new home was and she was so proud. Then, she met Bingo! She is really into activities and I think is also very friendly with one of the male residents...at least for conversation. I never thought she would reach this point, but she keeps saying she is happy. Her house has been sold and without those costs, she can now increase her bank account a little.

A lot depends on the people who are around them. At least they have each other. If they can become more social, they will eventually take an interest in someone else rather than their own aches and pains. My sil has changed 100%.

Good luck!

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:14 PM

5. We kept my mom and dad at their apartment long after my mom

should have been in a nursing home. After mom passed away we moved dad to a nursing home and he liked it. All the problems we had struggled to handle with both and with private nursing care were already solved. Tell your mom that my grandmother had to go into a nursing home at 82 and lived there till she was 103. Twenty one years. She did crafts and listened to public radio and was still an important part of our lives. She visited us for dinner for 17 of those years. Sometimes old people think a nursing home is an immediate death sentence and it is not. You can get whatever level of health interventions you want.

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:22 PM

6. Good luck.

My mom fought tooth and nail moving out of her home, even though she could no longer live by herself. She was horrible about it, too. Please remember you are doing the right thing and don't let her mean remarks get to you.

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Response to Ohiogal (Reply #6)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:45 PM

10. It's hard, but I try not to personalize what she says.

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:29 PM

7. my mom inlaw has been in assisted living for almost a year now

the biggest problem for her is she only gets to keep 40 bucks a month of her money

so for us organizing her kids and grandkids to take turns supplementing that very low budget has helped, it gives her more independence . Many of the activities are free but many require a small payment and she still has to pay for toiletries and clothing.

overall she loves it

hope it goes well for you and your folks

ps the obvious thing is....keep visiting,calling and taking them out for fav activities

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:44 PM

9. "she has no choice"

As someone whose mother spent the last 15 years of her life in a nursing home because "she has no choice" and being a senior citizen myself now I can attest that those are sad, sad words to hear.
It's ironic that there are the homeless elderly living on the streets who cherish their independence and can because there is nobody to force them into any kind of facility.

I must say that as somebody who has lived alone and led a fiercely independent adult life I would be much more than horrible about being forced to live in a place where I had no choice.

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Response to elocs (Reply #9)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:55 PM

12. I guess I needed to expand on the problem.

My stepfather has dementia & Mom has no patience with him to the point where it's verbal abuse.They both have lost a lot of weight & she thinks a nutritious meal is a tv dinner. He has been bothering the neighbors with talk of calling the police on them & has wandered off a few times. He's up at all hours & Mom cannot watch him due to her own health problems. My mom has refused Meals on Wheels & any other home health care. We had to take the car away because Mom kept sending him for donuts and he would get lost driving to the gate. She is 88 and he is 91. It is not safe for them to live in their home.

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Response to narnian60 (Reply #12)

Mon Apr 9, 2018, 03:55 AM

15. From my experience, it depends on the place

My grandmother moved to a "retirement community" at 84, her choice. She had her own apartment for years, but there were graduated levels of care. Someone checked in every morning and night and those who needed medications supervised (she did), that was available, plus a certain number of meals were required in the dining hall so people didn't isolate. There were also lots of organized "activities" and she participated in most of them, said she needed to support them, and it helped her make friends.

When she needed more care, that was available, plus they even had "pets" on both of the halls she lived on. She was even able to "rent" a bird, someone came in to clean the cage, etc., every day.

Her brother and his wife moved into another care facility together, she needed the medical care so he went, too - and eventually he needed the additional care as well. And when that happened, their (nurse) daughter visited a lot to make sure they were getting the care they needed and she told me that it was really necessary, that anyone under care needs an advocate.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, it's much easier if it's their choice.

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Reply #15)

Mon Apr 9, 2018, 05:57 PM

16. Took her today to see the place and

she loved it and is ready to move in! I'm so relieved.

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Response to narnian60 (Reply #16)

Mon Apr 9, 2018, 07:25 PM

17. Oh, that's great news!

And it's got to be a relief for both of you! Her life will be so much better if she's relieved from the stress - and yours for not having to worry. It may take some adjustment, but if she makes friends and gets the support she needs there she'll be so much happier. Just keep a watch to make sure things are going well - especially regarding health care - but it sounds like it's working out!

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:49 PM

11. My parents and mother-in-law liked for me and other family to go to lunch with them in facility

and my mother-in-law liked for us to take her in the car for drives and occasional meal out (she craved french fries and fried foods that were not served at her assisted facility) and we did lots of walking and sitting around with them inside and outside on grounds of facility. I also would take my mom and mother-in-law to dollar stores or wherever they wanted to pick up small personal items, even if they had to sit in car waiting on me to run in for them.

My mother-in-law wanted to feel in charge or at least informed of her finances and bills so I would spend time with her at each visit going over the mail and bills since she needed some help and she enjoyed riding to bank and going in to make some transactions herself when she felt able. (Whereas my parents were relieved for me to completely take over all of that stuff unless their signatures were required)


Good Luck- All of my older relatives had good experiences in their facilities and were glad to be relieved of the responsibilities of keeping up their own homes and to have activities and companionship from other residents. Plus the meals were quite good at their facilities.

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 04:55 PM

13. give your mum a journal, and ask her to detail every complaint she and your step-dad has

tell her she should also mention anything of which she approves

tell her when you visit you promise to discuss what she has written

right now the fear of unknown and the lack of choice are overwhelming her - try to give her an action, to help her feel some control and dignity

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Response to narnian60 (Original post)

Sun Apr 8, 2018, 05:42 PM

14. My grandma was a Wild West bag lady.

She'd been forcibly removed from her home as a danger to herself and others, but no assisted living place could hold her for long. If my parents hadn't taken my grandma in at her worst, several times, she might have died on the streets or in jail.

I don't know how my mom coped.


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