The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support Forums"Top Millennial Injuries Reported at Urgent Care Facilities"
Source: McSweeney's, by John Davis and Kyle J. Britt
1. Avocado-slicing-related lacerations to the hand
2. Uber-related injuries
3. Job-security-related anxiety attacks
*****
11. Panic attacks caused by the existential dread of realizing that while being the most technically savvy and educated generation in history you still have to live with your parents or rent a small shitty apartment because the technocratic Gen-Xers and Early Millennials created a gig economy that serves the needs of the upper middle class at the expense of job security and the hope of retirement at any age for middle and working class people and even though you have a masters degree and two bachelors degrees the steadiest work you can find is driving for Uber and delivering for Postmates which barely covers your car payment, insurance, and gas and when the Boomers that still control the pursestrings of hiring look at your resume they look down on gig-economy jobs and implore you to get an unpaid internship that would cost you as much to bankroll as your last year of college and besides, you already filed your last extension on the student loan deferment so youre about to have to pay an entire mortgage payments worth of monthly debt repayment for the privilege of getting an education that it turns out didnt help you anyway and you used to look down on your classmates who went into retail and now have managerial jobs at Gap and Kroger but I mean, shit theyre making $50-60K a year and and youd kill for a job that paid that but youre already too far down this road so I guess youll just lie about an internship and hope they never call to check on it but when you finally get a job youre immediately and repeatedly chastised for being part of the generation that received participation trophies by the generation that came up with participation trophies so fuck them anyway, but you cant say that because then itd be back to Uber for you and you wish your older coworkers would stop talking about how healthy the stock market is, as if thats an indicator for national success when you had Top Ramen as your only two meals yesterday because the office had a box of them you snuck back to your desk so you could eat until payday, but its fine, I mean, fuck those other trust-fund and upper-middle class millennials for being able to afford avocados that they slice their fucking hand cutting open, because in reality thats a minority slice of the millennial population which sets the bar of laziness and affinity for exotic bland fruit and expensive workout routines to overcome the over-carbed diets imposed on us by multinational food conglomerates who forced politicians to subsidize corn and allow them to patent seeds and prosecute small farmers who use them to plant their crops, but no, I get it, were entitled and YOURE the best generation, with your massive federal debt and your fundamental misunderstanding of the risks of over-leveraging the sub-prime housing market to pad your pockets with outrageous fees and send millions of homeowners into foreclosure, but yeah, Id definitely like your investment advice for the 401k I cant afford to invest in.
12. Tinder-thumb
Read it all at: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/top-millennial-injuries-reported-at-urgent-care-facilities
awesomerwb1
(4,256 posts)And unfortunately, there's too much truth in #11 there.
yallerdawg
(16,104 posts)(you know it's coming) I can envision the Ryan Reynolds character delivering this monologue!
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)One of my 2 sons is job hunting in Seattle, where he lives. He is excellent with money, thank god, no debts. No student loans, etc. but, he is just over 50, altho looks 30, thanks to great genes on both sides.
Job interviews probe for his age. " What year did you graduate from college?"
He pays 1200.00 for a studio apt.
I am worried about him, we all know Mommas never stop worrying.
Even more worried that this return to feudalism is gonna continue.
yallerdawg
(16,104 posts)are on the deed to our house!
No matter what happens, they'll always have a home!
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)I used to read McSweeney's, now will book mark it .
yallerdawg
(16,104 posts)Now that cable news has become some kind of horrifying reality show, internet it is.
Sailor65x1
(554 posts)LeftInTX
(24,541 posts)backtoblue
(11,323 posts)A big millennial hello to you!
yallerdawg
(16,104 posts)really good snark!
backtoblue
(11,323 posts)I'm on the "upper" age of millennials. I was lucky enough to have minimal student loans that I paid off. Sometimes an associate's degree has its perks lol
But I do love me some avocadoes!