Getting Along with Republican Relatives

[Ohiogal]

This is a thought process I've been wanting to discuss with fellow DUers for a while now.

I have only one sibling, my sister, who is two years older than me. Our parents are long gone. Although we grew up in the same house, we have vastly different political views, she is right wing (as are my cousins), and I am liberal.

I worked for ten years, then when my 3 kids were born, I quit working and stayed home with them. My sis worked all her life, got married at age 50 to a guy who was a right wing zealot. He passed away two years ago and now she's alone again.

She lives in a nice new house. She's had three new cars in the same time I've owned my 12 year old Toyota. I live in a 1950s era ranch house that my husband and I have remodeled ourselves several times. Sis and I have several interests in common, and for the most part I try to tolerate her views, since we're all that's left of our family. We generally get along well as long as we don't talk about politics.

But I've always gotten the feeling that she and my other right-wing relatives look at me as being "hopelessly naive about the world". Sis and Cousin, neither one have kids, and there's nothing wrong with that, they are both career people. And they have hinted around that since I don't work outside the home, and that I'm not out "in the real world", that I'm naive about the world. Their world view is that you should strive to own a big, new house, own a new car, and take fancy vacations, and if you don't have any of these things, then you're to be pitied. I have expressed the opinion that my kids are what comes first in my life and I don't care about having the latest expensive material things, and they just shake their heads. I feel like they're saying "poor you, you just don't know any better." Also they both have stated to me that they will have to keep working until they drop because the "government needs my taxes to hand out free stuff to all the takers."

I just wanted to say that I wonder how two siblings can grow up in the same house with the same parents and yet turn out with such different views on life. Do any other DUers get this vibe from their right wing relatives?

[raging moderate]

1. Yes.

Hang in there.

[Ohiogal]

4. It's the attitude

that they "know better" and that their views are superior to mine because I'm not out in the working world anymore, that gets to me.

[Phoenix61]

15. I am "out in the world"

I have a bachelor's in computer science and a master's in clinical social work and I still get that crap. I truly believe being female has a whole lot to do with it. It's part of that"be a good girl, pat on the head" shit. Females can be just as bad about this as males which irritates the heck out of me.

[Ohiogal]

20. That's good to hear, thanks. You make a good point.

[TEB]

24. Remember

Your dealing with right wing nuts

[Ohiogal]

26. Sometimes I'd like to ask "how did you get this way?"

[TEB]

29. I know

My kid brother married into the Reich wing evangelical family. Totally brainwashed him and his wife just were telling me how mr trump is gonna take care all the loafers on welfare. Then they wanted to know if we wanted to double date on mother’s day dinner no fuck no.

[Aristus]

2. We don't get along.

My step-daughter married a guy (who himself is the sweetest, nicest guy in the world) whose parents are pro-Trump kooks.

Both Mrs. Aristus (the erstwhile Republican and now staunch Democrat) and I cut all ties with them, and stopped going to church, knowing we might run into them otherwise.

There's no percentage in trying to maintain a civil front. Trumpanzees are beyond redemption, and not worth the effort it takes merely to be in the same room with.

[Ohiogal]

5. Like I said, it's not an all out war

Just subtle things that they do or say to make me feel as though I am hopelessly naive in my beliefs and that they know better.

[MaryMagdaline]

3. I am materialistic, no kids

Still a Liberal. What I value for myself, material things, I want others to have. Proud to pay taxes and I only wish more of my taxes were used to help others.

Your altruism isn't based on your "sheltered" life. It's who you are. You've lived a rich life. We are glad to have you on our side.

Sorry you are a minority in your family. I am in the majority in my family, thank God.

[Ohiogal]

7. I don't really consider my life to be "sheltered" though.

I volunteered often at my kids' school when they were small. (that's a real education right there!) I'm a college graduate. I worked for ten years in a union job. I've met many people and have lots of friends through my old job, my kids and their parents, and now, from the place where I go to exercise.

I get the feeling from my family members that showing any kind of compassion for the poor and the downtrodden is Naive, and that they "know better" that most poor people are poor because it's their own fault, they're lazy and they try to scam everyone. Also that it's much better to strive to live in a neighborhood where everyone is the same. (my kids went to a very diverse public school). My sister even said to me once that she cannot stand hearing that phrase "for the common good". We were talking about school levies at the time.

[MaryMagdaline]

22. I hate when they throw the "naive" word at us

I think liberals are the true realists. We know we don't get anywhere in life without help from others.

[Ohiogal]

27. Very true.

[CrispyQ]

6. I don't know how that happens, but it does.

The link below may be one of the best papers I've read about the difference between the right wing mind & the left wing mind. He discusses the difference between authoritarian leaders vs authoritarian followers, (both right wing), & how the leaders have duped the followers.

The Authoritarians
Bob Altemeyer

http://theauthoritarians.org/Downloads/TheAuthoritarians.pdf


The last reason why you might be interested in the hereafter is that you might want
more than just facts about authoritarians, but understanding and insight into why they act
the way they do. Which is often mind-boggling. How can they revere those who gave
their lives defending freedom and then support moves to take that freedom away? How
can they go on believing things that have been disproved over and over again, and
disbelieve things that are well established? How can they think they are the best people in
the world, when so much of what they do ought to show them they are not? Why do their
leaders so often turn out to be crooks and hypocrites? Why are both the followers and the
leaders so aggressive that hostility is practically their trademark? By the time
you have finished this book, I think you will understand the reasons. All of this,
and much more, fit into place once you see what research has uncovered going
on in authoritarian minds.

Ready to go exploring?

[Ohiogal]

9. Thank you, looks interesting

I'll put it in my Saved Files so I can read it a bit later when i have more time.

[Upthevibe]

30. I just bookmarked this...

It's 261 pages!

[CrispyQ]

33. I read about the first third of it in one setting.

Then it took a few years to finish it.

[Phoenix61]

8. Yep!

I have one sibling, a male 7 years older. Both our parents passed in the last three years. Sibs right-wing, born again BS was something I overlooked while they were alive. I'll skip the family drama part but between that and his RW BS it's easier to not have any contact with him. As to the "you just don't understand the world, you're naive" I catch it all the time. It seems to be connected to a complete lack of empathy on their part for people different than themselves. How can they possibly understand the world when they can't see it through someone else's eyes?

[Ohiogal]

12. Exactly.

I don't know how you teach someone else compassion. To the right wing, we are just "bleeding heart liberals."

I am brought to tears reading about the families coming into our country escaping violence only to have small children torn away from their parents. That, to me, is unimaginable cruelty. Yet, to right wingers, they say "well, they're criminals, so they deserve it." It's just that total lack or willful ignorance to try and understand not every issue is black and white like they think it is.

[Bluepinky]

10. I'm a liberal and my sister is an avid Trumpian.

My sister never used to be so right wing, in fact she voted twice for Obama. Her political views really started changing during Obama’s second term, and I attribute it to brainwashing by talk radio and Faux News, as well as a terrible divorce she was going through. I think she channeled her anger at Obama and liberals. Now she thinks anything she hears on Faux is real news and everything else is fake. She calls Rachel Maddow “Madcow”. It really does break my heart because it has created a rift between us. She thinks I’m a good person but dumb for thinking the way I do, while she knows what’s really going on. Most of the rest of my family are also okay with Trump, as long as the economy is good. I’m so disheartened by all of this that I have chosen not to attend an extended family vacation this summer, for the first time in 20 years.

[Ohiogal]

13. You nailed it

when you say they think we are good people but dumb for thinking the way we do. That they know the REAL truth. That really frosts my flakes.

[Bluepinky]

41. Another word I have heard my sister say to describe and demean liberals is "elitist".

As though being educated and analytical is a bad thing. We liberals mean well but we’re naive and gullible, as well as elitist.

[CrispyQ]

16. "...for the first time in 20 years."

I saw first hand what hate radio does to someone. It's awful. And it often times follows a bad episode in their life that leaves them feeling vulnerable. I would guess, usually financially. So Limbaugh & his ilk, tell them that it's the liberals fault for the situation they're in, the dems fault, for giving their hard earned money to POC, uppity women & the gays. After 30 years of this, with very little counter from the left, we now have grown women in Alabama lamenting that they have to choose between a child predator & a democrat. WTF? That race shouldn't have even been close, but that's where we're at.

[Bluepinky]

40. Yes, the hate radio is as bad as Faux tv.

People listening to the crap on talk radio day in and out start believing everything they hear: everyone else has it easier than they do, and the problems in our country are the fault of the immigrants, or the LGBT community, or Muslims. Democrats and liberals are to blame for enabling all of them.

[avebury]

11. I view the uber Right Conservatives as utter fools.

While they cheer the Trump's administration's efforts to destroy the regulations that protect us (water and air quality, safe food and drugs, health care and education for all, financial protection for the masses, and so on), they are too stupid to realize that beliefs and money will not protect you when the air and water become toxic. They will not be protected from poorly constructed structures. They will not be protected when airplanes, trains or cars crash due to poor maintenance.

[Ohiogal]

14. Sadly,

As long as they have money in their bank accounts, or a tax break of any size, they don't care about anything else.

[avebury]

17. By the time that they realize that they should

of cared it will be too late.

[modrepub]

18. Your Assessment May Be Too Kind

On your first question, I think siblings can gravitate towards different possitions because when they were young they are looking for something that would get their parents approval. Your sibling is great at math, if you can't compete for your parents approval on that front then maybe you gravitate towards sports , music or something else where you're better. Maybe that's the origin and over time it manifests itself in other aspects of their life. Who really knows; I tend to take the path lesschosen (just because I don't like to be around a lot of people).

My mother is extremely left wing and my father in his later years expressed opinions that almost caused me to physically wretch (i.e. Obama was not born in the US). Maybe it was better they divorced. I tend to have opinions that I would categorize as "left of center" but there are some odd balls amongst my siblings, half siblings and step siblings. Personally I find discussing politics the easiest way to grind everything to a complete halt; it's highly unproductive and we give way too much credit to politicians in general anyway. I generally avoid the discussions and try to listen and hope the conversation peters out into something else.

Not to seem too unkind, I've also felt that naiveté listening to people who slant towards the "right". Personally I think it's darker than that. In their eyes, people who disagree with their views are "children of a lesser god" and there is no way they are going to let "those people" make any decisions (or perceived decisions) whatsoever over them. This last election cycle has only reenforced my opinion that those on the "right" truly believe in that George Orwell quote "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."

Keep talking with them, you love them after all and in the end that's all that really matters.

[procon]

19. Its Fox News.

I'm in a similar situation, the only liberal in my family of die hard, Fox News watching Republicans. That the common denominator that they all share, hours of self imposed brainwashing, day after day of being spoon fed the partisan propaganda of fear and hate.

They all rely on that one biased source for all their news and information, never realising how they are being deceived and misled. They don't know what news is being omitted, or how lies are billed as facts and crackpot conspiracy theories are called breaking news headlines.

They believe everything Fox tells them without question, and there in no argument that will persuade them otherwise. They are lost, leaving me to make vapid small talk and treat my beloved family like casual acquaintances to avoid creating an irrevocable rift in what remains of our sad relationship.

[Hayduke Bomgarte]

21. I get along fabulously with my RWNJ relatives

Mostly because I've written them off and won't even acknowledge any attempted communications from them.

Repubs vote against MY best interests, even as they vote against their own, making them my enemies. Therefore RW relatives are my enemies. I refuse to associate with them on any level. Fuck 'em!

[eppur_se_muova]

23. Raising your kids means you know a lot more about *many* things than they do ...

... and you shouldn't be shy about reminding them of that.

They may know how to pursue the capitalist consumer earn-it-then-spend-it-fast lifestyle -- a lifestyle historically not available to most people, and one that can't be counted on to last. You know how to teach people how to grow up to be normal, well-adjusted human beings and productive members of society -- an effort they have never had to make. You've learned to share your children's joys and heartbreaks. You've learned to exerience pride in their successes and disappointment in their failures. And you may had to deal with their erring from the straight and narrow path, perhaps in small ways, hopefully not in big ways, but always knowing it's your responsibility to them and to society at large.

There is more to the real world than just business and commerce according to whatever rules are in force at a particular time and place. The real world existed long before such things and is likely to continue long after. Your own perspective sounds more well-adjusted than theirs, at least to me, and I don't have kids myself.




(Couldn't resist adding: You might remind them that the 'takers' are big corporations who regularly get caught violating laws and regulations, defrauding consumers, cheating on their taxes, and buying off politicians to make all their handouts -- their 'free stuff', measured in the tens of billion$$$ -- legal.)

[Ohiogal]

25. Thank you for the kind words eppur_se_muova

I especially agree with who the "real"takers are!

[Glamrock]

28. Yep

My mom. Not so much the materialism part. Just her bizarre hatred of the democratic party. I don't get it. She thinks I'll grow out of my liberal views, but I get more liberal over time, not less. Her views are very strange to me because she raised me. I mean, my moral compass was calibrated by her and catholic school. Now it seems like her compass, with regard to politics, spins wildly out of control. At this point, I just avoid the subject with her if possible. But it's puzzling. And disappointing.

[Ohiogal]

31. Glam,

I find that the older I get, the more liberal I get, too. Everyone else seems to think it should be the opposite.

My dad was an educated guy, but he used every racial epithet under the sun. That's what I heard growing up. Once I got out on my own, I figured out for myself how wrong it was. I don't really have any one experience that changed me, I just kind of slowly evolved.
Crazy, huh!

[Glamrock]

34. That's the funny thing.

My dad was that way too. And my mom would get on his ass for doing it in front of us. Now they've traded places. My dad has grown out of that racist shit and more liberal, mom's gone downhill....

[Upthevibe]

32. Thank God we're all progressives....

We (there were four of us, now there are two) grew up with Liberal parents (in Texas). The sister who I'm closest with and I are very active and one of the main things we have in commons is our politics. She's eight years older than I am and she's brilliant in terms of what she knows politically. She's like an encyclopedia. Some of my life long/childhood friends are right-wingers. When I'm around them (which is rare because I live in CA and they in TX) we steer clear of politics. I've also unsubscribed from them on FB (which means their comments don't come up on my news feed but they don't know I'm basically disassociated from them). I think it's good that you and your sis have other things in common and you don't want to not have a relationship with her because of this. I'm sorry that you guys can't share something this important...

[LastLiberal in PalmSprings]

35. My sister-in-law has politcal Tourette's.

We will be having a nice conversation on one of a wide variety of topics and she will suddenly blurt out something like, "Goddam tree huggers!" I've learned that if I don't respond in any way she'll rant for about a minute and then go back to being a normal human being.

When we first met I told her I wouldn't argue politics with her. "We are at opposite ends of the political spectrum. There's nothing you can say that will change my mind and there is absolutely nothing that will change your mind, ever. So I'm never going to talk politics. Preserving our family relationship is more important than being right."

I then added, "Just don't mistake my silence for agreement."

If you are playing tennis with someone and they slam a ball at you and you just let it pass rather than smash it back, it surprises them. Do it two more times and they will get a puzzled look on their face and walk away because the game is no fun. I've found the same thing works when my sister-in-law fires out a right wing talking point. It's like she's knocking balls into a fog and they just disappear. It doesn't take long for her to determine the game is no fun and move on to some other activity.

The hardest part was to convince myself that an attack on my beliefs is not an attack on me personally. I am not going to die if someone believes they are right and I am wrong. I always have the choice how to respond. Now, I just imagine her fishing with political lures, trying to catch an argument. I use my imagination to watch the lure float past without taking the bait. (This also works in discussions with my mother, but that's a whole different topic.)

This is just dealing with one person, however. I haven't faced the situation with an entire room of right wingers attacking me from all angles. In that case their energy isn't fed by my resistance but by the power they feel as a herd.

I read once that arguing puts our brains in a fight-or-flight mode where adrenaline is released. The harder we fight, the more adrenaline enters our system. The author posited that people who like to argue are actually addicted to the feeling they get from the adrenaline. A room full of right wingers ranting about the left is like walking into a den of drug addicts. Arguing with them only increases the high they're experiencing. I tried some experiments based on this theory and found it to be generally true. I noticed how I physically felt when I argued and then when I chose to be silent. Then I watched argumentative people -- especially the look on their faces as the adrenaline high took hold. As a result I don't argue anymore. If we can't have a civilized discussion about our differences (and there are still people who do that, believe it or not), I don't take part. My emotional life is a lot calmer this way. I have chosen to put my serenity above all else in my life.

I also know my adrenaline is still available when needed to defend myself or others from actual attack, such as being challenged by a bully or a gun-toting maniac (is that redundant?). Recognizing I have a choice doesn't mean I'm dead.

This doesn't mean I don't engage in political or community service activities, I'm just aware of whether I'm doing it only to get the adrenaline high. There's nothing wrong with feeling good. It feels good to do good for others, for society, or for myself.

If my sister-in-law or someone else were to attack us personally my wife and I have agreed that we would find some reason to leave and do so without making a scene of it. We've always got a backup plan; a place we have to be, not feeling physically well or being too tired to keep visiting. There's no reason to be in the presence of people who don't appreciate me as I am -- life is too short.

Blah-blah-blah. This is just my experience. Your actual mileage may vary.

[HeiressofBickworth]

42. I've always called that

taking your sail out of their wind. Learned that while I had an argumentative teenager.

[drray23]

36. I am fortunate that my family on both sides

Are all latte drinking liberals. Most of us are academics too. We are part of the despised liberal elite (as labelled by the rwingers).

We do not have any friends who are deplorables. Life is too short to ruin it with assholes.

[crazycatlady]

37. I avoid all political discussions

My GOP relatives are the parents to my nieces. I want access to them before they're in college (preschool now). So I talk about non political stuff with them (mostly relating to the kids).

[Amaryllis]

38. Two progressive sisters and a brother whom I am sure watches Faux based on his

talking points. He once told me that Obama was evil. I've wondered the same thing as you. Parents were Goldwater conservative Rs; both gone for many years. Can't answer what made sisters and I different. Cannot talk politics at all with brother. I would not be at all surprised if he still thought it was a good idea that we invaded Iraq. He thinks I and sisters are severely misguided.

[MrScorpio]

39. I hate to be the one to break it to you...

But your relatives sound like assholes.

Hopefully, one day you'll take the time to tell them what they can do with that pity.

[mnhtnbb]

43. You are not alone. My brother is a life long Republican

as were our parents.

I turned out to be the progressive one more like my Dem aunt and uncle (he was my mother's brother).

I can barely bring myself to speak to my brother after his support of the orange one. I tried to convince him to vote for Kerry against Bush by appealing to his science background (he's an MD/PhD), but it was no go. His children have told me that all he cares about is taxes. I can believe it. He's greedy. When our parents were moving into assisted living in 2000, my brother and his wife swooped in from out of state to clean out/take just about everything they could get their hands on in the way of furniture/art work. I got a phone call from my father saying my brother and his wife were there and that if I wanted anything I'd better hop on a plane and fly across country and get there pronto. I couldn't believe my brother didn't have the decency to call me and find out if I wanted to come and get anything. My mother always favored my brother and apparently the two of them had cooked up doing this without notifying me.

About two years ago I asked for two things that my brother had that he'd taken: an amberina vase that belonged to my father's mother, and a pencil portrait of my dad. My brother wouldn't let them go. He's just a greedy Republican a$$hole.

So, yes to your question. Sharing--even with his sister--is not something my brother is going to do.

[mythology]

44. I think you attribute far too much to the right wing aspect

My boss is a Democrat and he asks me regularly when I'm going to replace my 12 year old car. My uncle is a Republican and he to the best of my knowledge has never owned a new vehicle and when we were building a different uncle's deck was so good at being cheap that the scrap wood at the end fit in a 5 gallon bucket. My grandfather was a die-hard Republican voter, but lived his life in a way that was deeply antithetical to the modern Republican party. But he grew up voting Republican and didn't see that the party had changed.

My biological dad is a Democrat but is one of the most selfish narcissistic people I've ever met.

People are far more complex than just Republican bad, Democrat good, or that a person's entire world view is derived directly from their political affiliation.

[Corgigal]

45. Might be a biological basis.

Your relatives are living large just for themselves. Taking more resources then one person can need, but believing in capitalism then they see themselves as winners.

You're not trying to rob the planet because you want to give your offspring a chance. You're The healthy one and nature sees the purpose of your lifestyle. They are just greedy.

[patricia92243]

46. I am the only Democrat in my immediate family or my extended family. That is why I was

so desperate to find someplace like DU so many years ago.