Please forgive this personal rant, but I need to vent....

[Talitha]

My husband is one of those goddamned dopes who voted for BLOTUS. Ever since then, I refer to him as DH (Dear Husband OR Dick Head, take your pick).

We're both from Chicago and have been married for 45 years. DH used to be great, but ever since we moved to northcentral WI he's changed into one of the local trumpanzees he works with, and has started to act like them.
1) He's begun to refer to the female gender as "goddamned women".
2) He votes however the NRA wants him to.

Just shoot me... PLEASE, just fucking shoot me.

He voted for Obama first term, but then voted for Romney because the NRA told him to. What shocked me was when he referred to Obama as the 'n' word. If he was like this when I met him in 1970, I'd have run like hell while telling him to go fuck himself.

I never noticed his personality flaw when hormones controlled my emotions.
But menopause gave me my brains back and I FINALLY realized what a dipshit I've been married to all these years.

What really bothers me is that he seems to have the same personality traits as BLOTUS.
1) He never apologizes
2) He always plays the victim.
3) He blames others for his own mistakes
4) He lies as easily as he breathes.
5) He has zero respect for me OR our marriage.

Our Sons ( ages 39 and 36) have asked me "Why don't you just get a divorce?" But at age 66, I'm not willing to begin my life all over again. So I just ignore DH and begin every day with the decision to have fun that day, and make the best of a crappy situation.

Thanks for reading...
Love you guys!!!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I REALLY hope you separate yourself from DH!

66 is not old, not by a long shot, and you're better off either alone or with some nice liberal man.

He needs a damn good kick to the curb!

Make him pay you alimony and then you'll have the best part of him!

[DUgosh]

2. Life is too short

To live like this - your never too old to rid yourself of this burden. See a lawyer tomorrow.

[Tucker08087]

5. Do you have finances or relatives to live with

until elections are over? Could get better, could get worse. Sleep in a tent if you have to. If he raises ONE HAND, call 911, get a restraining order immediately, and he’s in the tent, not you. Maybe he will wake up. My ex and his brother are Trumpeteers. Worst part, their last name is Sanchez. Their relatives died in Puerto Rico. I don’t get it. I was married 26 years. Never thought this would happen. This climate is toxic. If it gets worse, get out. I’m in NJ. Lots of pets, but I have 2 couches and you are most welcome. Just be safe and smart.

[Croney]

3. Would he contest a divorce?

Do you have a means of support apart from him? Could you live with your sons for a while? I don't know how you bear it; sounds like you wish you could leave him. You're not too old to still have a happier future! Look down the road ten years... He won't change, and you'll be pulling your hair out.

Good luck, and be brave. You sound strong enough to take charge of this.

[skylucy]

4. Talitha...I'm not going to give you any advice, because you didn't ask for any and I

respect that. I wish you the best and hope you find other things in your life that bring you happiness. And you just feel free to vent and rant here anytime you need to. Hugs to you

[rusty quoin]

13. +1

[Sanity Claws]

6. Vent away. We are listening

[TexasBushwhacker]

7. My mother divorced my dad after 35 years of marriage

He was a bipolar alcoholic, so not easy to live with, but I figured after 35 years, why? She said she wanted a peaceful retirement. You have options.

[TomSlick]

8. I'm sorry.

We're hear to listen (or at least read). Feel free to vent.

[eppur_se_muova]

9. My mother got divorced at 55. She's now 82. That's TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS ...

Last edited Tue Oct 16, 2018, 12:22 AM - Edit history (1)

... of life without having to expect a screaming argument every day. She is MUCH better off and happier than when she was married to my Dad -- and he's still alive, so it's a good thing she didn't just hope to outlive him.

It's your personal decision. But don't assume one or both of you is going to be dead soon. You can look back 20 years from now and say "I should have gotten a divorce" or you can say "it's been worth every minute". Or, of course, something in between. But you won't get those 20 years back, no way, no how.

We thought our parents would get divorced almost as soon as we moved out, but they didn't. After the divorce Mom only wondered why she bothered to wait so long. If she had know for sure she was going to get the house plus a little alimony (and Dad got off light there -- he said so) I don't think she would have waited nearly as long. So step one is to be sure you talk to a good divorce lawyer FIRST, so you know your situation.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

10. Glad you had the courage to place this issue in the sunlight, Talitha.

We wish you well and hope you find your way to peace.

Particularly as an introvert, I can only share what works for me. Create your own peaceful space and don't allow anyone to violate that one thing that's yours.

..... .......

[Marie Marie]

11. But at age 66, I'm not willing to begin my life all over again. So I just ignore DH and begin every

with the decision to have fun that day, and make the best of a crappy situation. Good for you - create your own life and your own happiness, without him. You will be better off focusing on yourself and ignoring his drama.

[rusty quoin]

14. Wow.

[The Wizard]

15. Point at him and laugh (NT)

[shellyleit]

16. Sorry about that...

I would go crazy with a husband like that.
66 is not too late to begin again without him. You would not be starting your life over from nothing, but you would be regaining your sanity and leaving behind a person who sounds abusive.

[WestMichRad]

17. My sister divorced at 75

Finally had enough of the verbal abuse and threats of the DH she'd spent over 40 years with. I'd bet if she looked at your list of DH's personality traits, they'd look very familiar to her. Without wanting to go into too much detail, she has mentioned to me that he has some of those same behaviors.

Now, a few years later, she's like a different person. Has been touring different parts of the country, seeing old friends, meeting new ones. Her life has been renewed and she has no regrets at all... other than wishing she'd made the break sooner.

Only you can decide how much shit you are willing to put up with. But it's not too late to change things, you can do it if you put your mind to it.

-little brother

[sprinkleeninow]

18. 💙 and a

[SunSeeker]

19. I am sorry you are going through this. Glad you are figuring out ways of having fun.

But if he does not respect your marriage, he may surprise you with a divorce petition, leaving you scrambling. Please protect yourself and talk to a divorce lawyer to assess what your options are if your husband goes for it, or if you take the initiative. That way you will be prepared to hit the ground running if all hell breaks loose.

At 66, if you are currently in good health, you still have about 20 good years left. I hope you spend them with people who love and respect you. You deserve it.

[iluvtennis]

20. Talitha, you said: What really bothers me is that he seems to...

1) He never apologizes
2) He always plays the victim.
3) He blames others for his own mistakes
4) He lies as easily as he breathes.
5) He has zero respect for me OR our marriage.

This describes by EX husband. With two young kids, it was a hard decision to divorce. But it was for my sanity. I needed to protect myself so I could take care of the kids. It was tough, but 9 years later, I'm so glad I did it. If I hadn't, I would have been in a mental hospital.

GET OUT while you can.

[Pepsidog]

21. It's very hard to have immediate family a Trumphole. My 22 year old son is and it kills me.

[EndGOPPropaganda]

22. WAIT. I have an answer!!!

Please watch "The Brainwashing of My Dad". Amazon Prime. iTunes.

Really, it explains how to reconnect. Really. Please watch. It ends with optimism and a recipe for how to help.

https://www.thedailybeast.com/how-fox-news-and-the-right-wing-media-machine-made-my-dad-crazy


(I know I'm going all 'men are from Mars' here even though I'm a woman. But seriously, watch it! and please report back to me if you do.)

[Honeycombe8]

23. I'm sending you some love vibes!

I can't tell you what to do with your DH. If it were me, I'd dump him. But I'm divorced, so... and I am used to living single and doing everything myself. That would be way hard for you, to learn everything at 66. It would also be very hard for him...in fact, men do way worse being single, esp after they are so-called mature. Of course, you could start being really independent, and make subtle references "If I were single, I'd decorate this room using lavender..." Might get him nervous, to which you'd reply..."Oh, I'm just saying if it were just me...I don't MEAN it, silly." Just a little something to make him appreciate you more. An appreciative man is nicer than one who thinks HE is the gift.

But here's the love from a fellow libber!

I feel your pain. I don't think I could handle it. But that's why I'm divorced....and you're not.

[pioche4]

24. Its hard to imagine the rainbow that lies in front of you

Sharing a true story...

My 'second mom'...she raised the 2 boys that lived up the street with me, they were like my brothers, and there were no other girls on my street, we played swat team, and all boys games growing up....she finally at your age, decided she could take no more of her retired sheriff husbands's same as you describe difficult behavior. She filed for divorce. And about a year an half after, fell in love with a wonderful man, a widower. They married 3 years later. They are like youngsters and totally in love, and although I felt the pain of my 'brothers' at their parents breaking up, I totally supported her. I know there were moments that were challenging, but she has not looked back, and is living with man who loves and supports her, and I couldn't be more happier for her. Her new husband has a twinkle in his eye, full of love an appreciation when he looks at her, and it melts my heart.

I share this true story, as maybe something is there for you. Life is short. Live in honesty with yourself. You deserve to live a life with love and support....everyone does.

[George Eliot]

25. Your post describes the Fleecer in Chief's base. So disheartening.

Sounds like you raised your sons well. I sure don’t understand Wisconsin. I’ve always wanted to move to Lake Koshkonong but now too republican for me. I stopped considering it when Russ Feingold was not re-elected.

Trump, the Fleecer, has outed a lot of haters. Isn’t it nice to have a place to rant and share your emotions?

[democratisphere]

26. Hey! Girls just want to have fun!

Keep up the good "work" and forget about your mindless idiot!

[Laffy Kat]

27. You don't want to hear this...

But this will eat at you until you leave. At least TALK to an attorney, find out what you're entitled to. I thought I was stuck in a loveless marriage until I spoke to an attorney and he told me what to expect in respect to alimony. I am comfortable, have my own house, work a job I enjoy and am free. Still, I understand your situation and you have my sympathy.

[AJT]

28. Don't worry, you only have another 20 years or so to put up with it.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

29. Here's my take.

It will not get better. Do you really want to spend twenty, maybe more years with him? Living with what you've described?

I'm 70. Some thirteen years ago, after 25 years of marriage, my husband met someone he decided he'd rather be with. Which is very different from what you're experiencing. At least my ex never went over to the dark side. But I will tell you that I was angry and resentful that he was willing to throw away our life together.

But I got over it. I moved from Kansas to Santa Fe, NM, to start a whole new life. Best thing I could ever have done. Had I stayed in Kansas I'd have become one of those embittered divorcees no one wants to be around. Instead I have a new life, new friends. This week I'm doing a volunteer stint at the local homeless shelter with good friends who belong to one of the Presbyterian churches here. (I'm not religious, not a joiner, but they are great people and I love doing this). I worked when I first got here, have since retired and live a quiet life which is perfect for me. I have friends and other family back in Kansas and get back there once, sometimes twice a year.

It is never too late to start over. It really isn't. You do not deserve the misery that can come in a marriage to someone who is so very different, whose values and beliefs are so far from yours. Please, please, do look at your options. Be absolutely ruthless about getting what is yours if you decide to leave. And meanwhile, let DU be family.

[Moostache]

30. ++Best wishes for a happy ending...you deserve to be happy is all I can say (n/t)

[lunasun]

31. Take trips back to Chicago at least occasionally. The city is new and changing everyday! So much

going on here and the mayor declared it a Trump free city!
However if you left Chicago because you hated it here then I would say don't come visit with negative vibes regardless of your politics

We are not perfect but Wisconsin itself has changed imo, and other than Milwaukee and along the border ,we do not go up to rural WI for now, maybe never.

Last time I was there it had too many walker signs, clown frowns and confederate flags. We love nature and the outdoors but plenty of other places to explore that are at least giving the appearance of welcoming.

66 I think you would get SS Medicare now so you have a chance to split. Even your sons see it as a choice

[grantcart]

32. Here is a thought experiment that will clarify it for you

Think of a good friend of yours, maybe from college or high school that you haven't seen in a while


Imagine that you bump into this person accidentally and she asks to have lunch with you the next day.


You remember that you were quite fond of this person and at one time you were quite close.


When you meet for lunch she looks at you and with tears in her eyes and her throat full of emotion she tells you that she has a problem and she always valued your opinion.


Now read your post as if this friend is saying it to you.


What would be your advice be to the person that is saying it to you?

[mnhtnbb]

33. Last November at age 66 I began my life

all over again when I left my husband of 32 years. My boys--31and 27--were not sympathetic because I had hidden all my anger and issues with my husband from them. And yes, it had taken years for me to realize that he would lie about anything and everything. I'd been the recipient of his verbal abuse and disrespect for far too many years. We didn't have disagreements about politics, but he could be a real asshole if he didn't get his way. I chose my battles carefully, but there were many times that when he ignored my advice we ended up with a disaster on our hands, including when he burned down our house 11 years ago and killed my dog when I was pregnant with our youngest and on bed rest. He refused to take the dog out on a leash--even after our neighbors called and said she was across the busy street in front of our house--and let her out by herself and she was hit by a car.

We had an issue in the last few years that he refused to listen to my desire to make some decisions about our life. Once again I was disrespected, rejected, and lied to. That was enough for me and I left. The love was long gone, but I didn't want to live with a man I no longer even liked most of the time.

It hasn't been easy. My oldest son has come around but the youngest still thinks I'm a fairly awful person for leaving, although he will communicate with me by email.

On the plus side, I love being single. I do what I want when I want. I've always been able to be alone with myself and have a good time. The law in my state requires a 1 year separation before you can file for divorce. That has dragged things out which is frustrating. Our house hasn't sold, which is frustrating. But I think by January both will be close to resolution and I will find thoughts about him invading my mind less frequently.

Only you can decide what your threshold is and how long you can stay with a man who doesn't respect you and lies to you. I hated to throw away 32 years--and there were some good times together--but I was so angry all the time that it wasn't healthy. I had to save myself.

Good luck.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

34. DTMFA. NT

[mnhtnbb]

36. I had to look that up.

Dump the motherfucker already.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

37. The acronym was invented by Dan Savage, AFAIK.

As far as I know.

Savage Love

He has developed a variation on that: ITMFA.

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

by Dan Savage • Mar 9, 2017 at 1:30 pm
....

From an ITMFA supporter:

Thrilled to report that I now have ITMFA as my Alaska license plate. Thanks for the inspiration and for everything you do!

[mnhtnbb]

38. Surprised he was granted the license plate.

Usually states are on the look out for crass language or abbreviations.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

39. I was surprised too.

There's one in {redacted} as well.

I'd rather not name the state, as there are nosy people who have nothing better to do all day than to search the internet for things they can report to the authorities. I have pictures of the car. It's not mine.

[ProfessorGAC]

35. Bummer!

Fortunately for us, my wife and i are in lockstep politically and on social issues. I can't imagine us even slightly disagreeing on politics.

[drmeow]

40. Some age related cognitive decline

Can result in personality changes including changes like what you describe. You might want to check for other signs.

[smirkymonkey]

41. Do you want to know something?

Being alone can be quite pleasant and liberating. I love living alone and doing what I want when I want with whom I want. It is so much nicer to be able to choose your companions instead of having to tolerate the ones who are forced upon you. Anyway, I hope you are able to work things out. You might just find that being by yourself is a huge relief.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

42. The attitude of your sons speaks volumes about the whole situation. nt

[llmart]

43. Your situation sounds very much like what mine was like.

You can add me to your list of DU'ers who would say to you, your situation will not get better and you will build up so much resentment that you will no longer enjoy your life. Do not waste the rest of your life hoping he'll go before you, hoping he'll change (he WILL NOT), hoping he'll someday see the light, etc. etc. That is not the way anyone should live.

My personal story is very long and you can p.m. me if you'd like, but here's the gist of it. I am now 69. I left a marriage of 42 years when I was 60. I won't lie to you and say it's easy, but I will tell you what all the other women on here have said. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever! I now own a little house and am responsible for only myself. I got half of all assets, half of the sale of the marital house, permanent alimony until he dies. The first time I walked into a lawyer's office I told her, "I intend to get exactly half of everything and I will fight for it." He always took advantage of the fact that I was pretty easy going and didn't ask for much, but boy, when it came to the divorce, he was absolutely shocked that I got half of everything.

Again, if you want any more details or suggestions or just to hear more of what to think about, you are welcome to message me. I just could not stand one more minute living with someone who had become so angry and full of hatred and negativity and sitting and watching Fox News every night. Like you, if he would have been like that when we first met I would never have been attracted to him, but I was very young and so was he.

Hang in there. You are worthy of a peaceful, contented life.