HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » The DU Lounge (Forum) » Post a "Clean" joke

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:13 AM

Post a "Clean" joke

Here's one of my A1 certified Dad Jokes:

So, three guys are driving down the road, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer and a Computer Programmer.
Suddenly, their car stalled.

They manage to get to the side of the road to figure out what's wrong with the car.

The Mechanical Engineer says; "the Timing-Belt is out of adjustment and we are not generating enough torque to keep the car running, causing it to stall."

The Electrical Engineer says; "No, it's the Alternator. Obviously it's not returning enough power to the battery to keep the car running, causing it to stall."

The Computer Programmer thinks for a minute and say; "Man, you guys are both wrong...all we have to do is get out of the car and then get back in and we'll be good to go"

47 replies, 479 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 47 replies Author Time Post
Reply Post a "Clean" joke (Original post)
maxrandb Feb 12 OP
Zoonart Feb 12 #1
bif Feb 12 #15
Zoonart Feb 12 #16
zipplewrath Feb 12 #2
Ohiogal Feb 12 #3
customerserviceguy Feb 12 #8
Ohiogal Feb 12 #11
maxrandb Feb 12 #10
Ohiogal Feb 12 #12
Beakybird Feb 12 #4
Glorfindel Feb 12 #5
unblock Feb 12 #6
customerserviceguy Feb 12 #7
Ohiogal Feb 12 #9
maxrandb Feb 12 #13
Wounded Bear Feb 12 #14
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #17
PoindexterOglethorpe Feb 12 #40
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #43
bif Feb 12 #18
True Dough Feb 12 #19
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #20
True Dough Feb 12 #23
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #25
True Dough Feb 12 #27
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #34
geralmar Feb 12 #21
billh58 Feb 12 #45
Ptah Feb 12 #22
Flaleftist Feb 12 #24
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #26
Aristus Feb 12 #28
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #35
SaveOurDemocracy Feb 12 #29
Locrian Feb 12 #30
nocoincidences Feb 12 #31
customerserviceguy Feb 12 #42
geardaddy Feb 12 #32
thucythucy Feb 12 #33
customerserviceguy Feb 12 #41
mysteryowl Feb 12 #36
First Speaker Feb 12 #37
benld74 Feb 12 #38
A HERETIC I AM Feb 12 #39
Marthe48 Feb 12 #44
ProudLib72 Feb 12 #46
geardaddy Feb 12 #47

Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:15 AM

1. What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?....

Make me one with everything.



Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Zoonart (Reply #1)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:55 AM

15. In the version I heard it was the Dalai Lama

Then the vendor hands him his hot dog and the Dalai Lama gives him a $20 bill. He says to the vendor, "How about my change?" The vendor says, "Change comes from within."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to bif (Reply #15)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:58 AM

16. HAHAHAHAH!

Love that. Thanks!

Have a heart.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:21 AM

2. Two Irishmen walk out of a pub.

It could happen ya know!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:21 AM

3. I love your joke

and not only because I have a son who's an engineer and another one who's a computer tech! Both of whom will be getting a copy of your joke in their Inboxes!

Now, if only there was a Chemist in the joke for my third son ....

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Ohiogal (Reply #3)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:44 AM

8. Are

you trying to get a reaction or something?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to customerserviceguy (Reply #8)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:54 AM

11. Hahahahahaha!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Ohiogal (Reply #3)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:51 AM

10. Here's one for the chemist

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.

I also had a T-Shirt in College that Chemists would like. It was black with white lettering and read; "Calculus - the Agony and DX/DC"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Reply #10)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:54 AM

12. Love it! Thank you!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:25 AM

4. Wanted: Candle Maker. Must work on wick ends.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:31 AM

5. A couple of riddles my grandfather told me, many years ago.

Q: Why did the farmer name his rooster Robinson?

A: Because he crew so.

Q: Why did the farmer name his donkey Maxwelton?

A: Because his brays were bonny.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:42 AM

6. Once, I was a whole string of one-liners. But now, I'm a frayed knot.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:43 AM

7. In that vein

An optimist sees the glass as being half full, a pessimist sees the glass as being half empty, and an engineer concludes that the glass is exactly twice the size it needs to be.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 08:50 AM

9. A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:48 AM

13. Forgot to mention I'm giving a heart for every clean joke.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:50 AM

14. A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:58 AM

17. A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are playing a round of golf...

And they come up on this 3-some playing EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. They get the attention of the Ranger and plead with him to hurry them up or let them play through.

"Now, wait just a second, fellas. Those 3 guys are local firefighters who saved the clubhouse from burning to the ground last Spring. They went blind during the fire, so we let them play for free, We ask your patience. You can pass them at the turn.

Upon hearing this, the doctor pipes up...."Oh! I am so sorry. I had no idea! I have several friends that are top notch Ophthalmologists. I'll get in touch with them and see if there is anything they can do.

The lawyer says..."Oh my! I am so sorry! I'll get the members of my Bar association to set up a fund for these guys. No one should have to suffer like this after such heroics."

The engineer says....




"Why can't they just play at night?"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #17)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:29 PM

40. I was going to post that one!

You beat me to it. Darn.

It's my favorite joke, because I have a son who is essentially an engineer (currently getting his PhD in astronomy) and when I told him that joke several years ago he simply looked puzzled. Clearly he thought that it made most sense for them to play at night.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #40)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 01:25 PM

43. LOL!

I like it cause I used to play at a lighted course!
And I like to think I have an engineers mind.
Either way, it's funny!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 09:59 AM

18. Woman gets pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked for her driver's license. He looks at it and says, "Lady, you're supposed to be wearing glasses." She says, "I have contacts." The cop says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:00 AM

19. Which country's capital city has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland's. Every year it's Dublin!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to True Dough (Reply #19)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:07 AM

20. ....

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #20)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:48 AM

23. You know, A HERETIC I AM,

it's a very sad day for me today. I found my pet mouse 'Elvis' dead this morning. He was caught in a trap...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to True Dough (Reply #23)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:01 AM

25. Please tell me he wasn't in the toilet....

and there wasn't a peanut butter and banana sandwich nearby.


I don't think I could live.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #25)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:10 AM

27. You know what Elvis's last greatest hit was?

The bathroom floor.

Ouch! Too soon?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to True Dough (Reply #27)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:09 PM

34. ....




Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:19 AM

21. Then there was the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Can I say that?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to geralmar (Reply #21)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 01:52 PM

45. How about the dyslexic atheist

who didn't believe in his dog?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:25 AM

22. Life has been discovered on Jupiter's moon Europa!

Scientists have named them Europeans.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 10:57 AM

24. I was dreaming about cars all last night.

When I woke up, I was exhausted.



I'll be here all week, folks.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Flaleftist (Reply #24)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:01 AM

26. And the Veal sucks!!!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:11 AM

28. What did the snail say when it rode on the back of the turtle?

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Aristus (Reply #28)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:13 PM

35. I love that joke and I always thought;

Here's one I can tell my 95 year old Aunt.

Thing is, she would have a better punchline, and it would be naughty as fuck!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:13 AM

29. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:47 AM

30. what's red and sits in a corner?

a naughty strawberry

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 11:54 AM

31. Golfers.

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green.

Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green." He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green.

Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/golfjokes/golfwithwifejokes.html

My parents were both golfers, and I heard this from my Father years ago.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to nocoincidences (Reply #31)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 01:09 PM

42. OK, that one's going for my golfer friends at the pub! n/t

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:02 PM

32. Jesus is on the cross.

He urgently calls down to his disciple, John, "John! John!"

John quickly runs to the base of the cross to hear what the Lord has to say, "yes, my Lord! I'm here!"

But he can only hear Jesus cry out his name. He finds a ladder and climbs it anxiously anticipating some pearl of wisdom. He reaches Jesus and puts his ear against Jesus' mouth to hear His words, "Yes, my Lord! What do you have to tell me?"

John waits in anticipation as Jesus licks his dry lips and takes a deep breath to speak, "John! I can see your house from here!"











Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:03 PM

33. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to thucythucy (Reply #33)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 01:06 PM

41. How many prep school boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, one to hold the bulb in the ceiling socket, and two to drink until the room spins.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:13 PM

36. What do you call 3 rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:20 PM

37. Sigmund Freud, L. Ron Hubbard, and Daffy Duck are driving down the road...

...and hit an oncoming truck, and all are tragically killed. People came from miles around to see the quack-up.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:20 PM

38. 2 rednecks go to Canada to hunt moose,

Charter a plane
Arrive at destination
During their stay they bag 6 moose. They call for the plane t return home with their prizes
Pilot sees the moose and tells them, "The plane can only carry xxx number of pounds. You can only bring back 4 moose".
Rednecks complain,
"The last time we did this the pilot allowed us to take back 6 moose! Same darn plane as yours!"
Pilot thinks about it. Shrugs his shoulders and allows them to fill the plane.
After takeoff, flying for a bit, attempted to gain altitude to cross mountain
Cannot get high enough.
Crash!!
Rednecks survive the crash
Begin to look around
One says, "Where you reckon we are?"
The other says, "Around the same place we came down last year."


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to benld74 (Reply #38)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 12:23 PM

39. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAH!

Good one!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 01:44 PM

44. 2 guys are hunting

One of them collapses and his friend calls 911. He tells the operator, "My friend collapsed and I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Are you sure?" The guy says, "Wait a minute." A second later, the operator hears a shot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Yes, I'm sure."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to maxrandb (Original post)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 02:46 PM

46. A chicken walks into the library, goes up to the central desk, and says to the librarian...

"Book".

The librarian doesn't know what to think, but she hands a book to the chicken. The chicken stuffs the book under her wing and struts out the door.

A few minutes later, the same chicken comes back into the library and says to the librarian, "Book, book."

The librarian thinks this is interesting, so she gives the chicken two more books. The chicken sticks a book under each wing and struts out the door.

Half an hour later, the same chicken appears before the librarian and says, "Book, book, book."

The librarian is flabbergasted. Is this chicken reading all these books? This time, the chicken receives three books, but the librarian follows her out. The librarian wants to know what is happening to all those books.

The chicken leads her out the door, behind the library, down a grassy slope to a little stream. There is a frog sitting there next to a pile of books. The chicken deposits the three new books beside the frog. The frog opens the first book, says, "Readit, readit", and tosses it aside.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #46)

Tue Feb 12, 2019, 04:08 PM

47. That's cute!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread