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Thu May 23, 2019, 01:20 PM

Vent about having to say no to a relative asking for money.

My Louisiana sister lives with her husband, her grown daughter, and her grown grandson--so a four-income household-- but just called me with a cockamamie story about needing to get her car out of the shop, and she gave them money orders totaling $1900 but they said they don't take money orders, so she tried to return them but couldn't because they were made out to the body shop, and she can't get the money for 30 days.

I felt like saying, "Ask your God or your so-called President for help, since you always give them the credit when things are good."

But I just said politely that I didn't have $1900 right now, sorry.

It's not like it would have been a loan; I would never see that money again.

22 replies, 760 views

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Reply Vent about having to say no to a relative asking for money. (Original post)
Croney May 2019 OP
Sherman A1 May 2019 #1
redstatebluegirl May 2019 #2
Chin music May 2019 #3
walkingman May 2019 #4
procon May 2019 #5
MiniMe May 2019 #11
Mosby May 2019 #12
Croney May 2019 #17
safeinOhio May 2019 #6
SWBTATTReg May 2019 #7
DFW May 2019 #8
ProudLib72 May 2019 #9
Croney May 2019 #15
csziggy May 2019 #18
Turin_C3PO May 2019 #10
MiniMe May 2019 #13
customerserviceguy May 2019 #14
Croney May 2019 #16
csziggy May 2019 #19
customerserviceguy May 2019 #21
csziggy May 2019 #22
hunter May 2019 #20

Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:23 PM

1. You did the right thing

not saying anything about what you felt and not giving them the cash you would never see again.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:27 PM

2. I have often said that if I win the lottery I'll have to hide for years from

all of the deadbeats in my family and my husband's that would try and borrow from us. We have had a number of these over the years, we always say no, we tell them we can't help everyone and do not want to show favoritism so we don't do anything. We are very generous to our nieces and nephews at birthdays, graduations etc. We know they blow the money the minute they get it just like their parents but there it is.

My brother on the other hand has lost thousands of dollars giving "loans" for various reasons. All of these people work, most are couples that both work, they just can't handle their money. Plus we don't have children, so they assume we are flush for things they "need". Nope, I put any extra we have into our retirement account because we are not going to inherit anything, and we know our siblings can't help us and we don't have kids so it is on us.

You did the right thing.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:28 PM

3. More and more this happens.

Plan ahead in life. Lack of planning on their part doesnt necessitate an emergency on your part. Hard to say no. If you hadnt, it never wouldve ended. 1900.00 is a LOT of money to come asking for.
Happens in my family from time to time. Just have to say no. You can't give what you don't have.
PS...4 people...go to work. Stop voting for repubs who lie to you about the economy.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:45 PM

4. I deal with this also seems like for years. My BIL and his daughter have depleted what was left of

his 88 yo Mom's savings and although they never directly ask for money are constantly poor-mouthing about any and everything that happens to them. I and my DW always tell them that it is important to have an emergency fund for unexpected expenses, etc. But it seems they feel comfortable blowing every dime they make for things like concerts, musical equipment (he is a part-time musician), and niece seem to be infatuated with name-brand everything when they are basically living month-to-month. My DW keeps hoping that it will change. But I tell her that grown people (he is 60) seldom change their stripes.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:56 PM

5. Wish I had done that, but now I'm out $8K.

Just loan us this for a week until the insurance check comes in, then we'll pay it all back.

It's now 8 months later and not a dime has been paid back. I presume their insurance check came in and they frittered in all away on self indulgent splurges. They are family and live in another state and all communication has stopped.

I'm a senior, and I live on SS so money is tight and my pitiful little savings account will never be replenished. Yeah, I was a sucker, and my money is gone just the same as if I had been robbed, but it still hurts.

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Response to procon (Reply #5)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:24 PM

11. You WERE robbed

It isn't "like" you were robbed, they robbed you

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Response to procon (Reply #5)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:28 PM

12. sorry to hear that

8K is a lot of money, if I were you I might consider suing in small claims court. Even if they don't have the money you might be able to garnish wages or something.

I wouldn't feel bad about suing, they took advantage of your kindness and concern.

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Response to procon (Reply #5)

Thu May 23, 2019, 03:07 PM

17. That's terrible. I hope you find some recourse.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 01:58 PM

6. This works for me every time.

I never seem to get paid back when I loan money. So now I require collateral on all personal loans. In order to loan $3K I must hold something of $6K value. I know you are going to pay me back so it should not be a problem.
Has worked every time. Never mind is what they always say.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:03 PM

7. I think you are wise in not giving them the money. I've loaned (e.g., giving) over 10 people...

money over the years, not one of them has paid me back. Not one. Family and so called 'Friends'.

I guarantee you too, that when the chips are down and you need help, you won't get it either from these same people. I know so for I tried it too when I was down on my luck a little, and got exactly zip from any of them.

Because of this (the inaction on the part of friends and relatives to help me when I needed it), never again. I don't give any excuses, nothing. Why should you? It's none of their business anyway.

Take care of yourself first. If you can't take care of yourself, then you are unable to help those later who you really want to help.

I am not saying be stingy, but in a way I kind of am. Been there, done that, never again. And if you do end up loaning money, I have said on two occasions that it's not a loan, it is a gift, they don't have to pay me back. I did this twice. It still didn't stop the asking either later for yet more money from these same two people.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:08 PM

8. My wife and I deal with this on occasion. It just appened again this week.

Her late brother's widow was downright evil to his/their mother, forbidding her to see him, especially after he fell ill (glioblastoma, which killed Teddy Kennedy, John McCain and him). At the funeral, she forbade the main speaker to say the name of either his mother or even me. His mother (she was there, as was I, who played guitar music according to one of his dying requests) was "the mother," and I was "the brother-in-law." His daughter was ashamed, and my wife was positively livid with aanger, and that is something extremely difficult to accomplish.

But she rarely did anything for him while he was alive, and while she berated my wife for working ("what for?", she rarely worked, herself, paid very little into her pension fund, and is now scraping by. My wife, who was a social worker for decades, only gets an Ä850 a month pension, so you can imagine what it must be for someone who only worked for five years. She does get a token supplement for her husband's early death (he was 51). She NEVER calls us up except for maybe every 18 months to say how bad her financial situation is. But she now lives in a house far too big for her all alone, and she does have to option of selling it and moving into something more modest. She chooses not to, which is her right, but my wife, especially after how horrible she was to their mother, is not in a charitable mood. As a seasoned social worker, she recognizes every trick in the book when someone is trying to get money out of someone else. She is polite, but just acts as if she doesn't at all get the undercurrent of the reason for the call.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:08 PM

9. I don't understand. Why money orders?

Makes no sense to me.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #9)

Thu May 23, 2019, 03:03 PM

15. Yes! If she had the money for money orders, why not just pay cash?

And why more than one money order? Makes no sense.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #9)

Thu May 23, 2019, 05:41 PM

18. Maxed out credit cards, bad check record is what I would suspect

Why no cash - who knows? Maybe the money orders were from other people who loaned her part of the amount needed and that is how she had them send them - made out to the car place to make it seem legit. That would explain why more than one - and possibly explain why the car place is reluctant to accept them - if they are from someone other than the person paying the bill.

I haven't seen a money order for over thirty years and never had one made out, so I am not sure how they work. This does remind me of the IRS and other scammers who want iTunes cards or other such bullshit.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:20 PM

10. You certainly have the right to say No.

Only you know the nature of the relationship with your sister and if it would be a worthwhile venture to loan her money. Donít let anyone try and lay a guilt trip on you.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:32 PM

13. I will lend money once

If they don't pay it back or acknowledge the debt, they don't get a second chance.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Thu May 23, 2019, 02:42 PM

14. The shop wouldn't take a money order?

They're as good as cash if genuine, this sounds like BS to me.

I wouldn't waste a second feeling any remorse about how you handled it.

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Response to customerserviceguy (Reply #14)

Thu May 23, 2019, 03:05 PM

16. I agree. I think she just wanted to ask for money and concocted this story.

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Response to customerserviceguy (Reply #14)

Thu May 23, 2019, 05:52 PM

19. It seems to pretty easy to fake a money order

How to Avoid Money Order Scams
By Jim Akin
May 5, 2019

<SNIP>

Tips to Help Prevent Being Scammed

Here are some basic tips for avoiding bogus money order transactions:

Verify the funds. Before depositing a money order, call the phone number or visit the website listed on the document, and use the serial number to check its validity. This isn't a perfect solution, but it will rule out many bogus money orders.
Look for obvious signs of forgery. The U.S. Postal Service provides a web page that points out the anti-counterfeiting features of its money orders. Western Union and MoneyGram use watermarks and heat-sensitive inlays to safeguard their money orders, but you won't find examples of them online. If you're suspicious of (or just unfamiliar with) the design features of a money order, take it to an outlet that sells those money orders and ask an employee to inspect it.
Look for tampering. Because crooks also sometimes doctor legitimate money orders, altering how much they're made out for (so a $10 order becomes a $1,000 one, for example), you should also look for signs of tampering on the "amount" line. If you suspect anything is amiss, don't make a deposit.
Be wary of needless urgency. Money order crooks are always in a hurry, so if someone starts pushing you hard to deposit and transfer money order funds, something could be amiss.
Sit tight when you receive a money order. Hold off on spending any portion of a money order deposit until the full amount clears. Don't write checks against a deposit, and certainly don't issue any refunds until the deposit is verified.
Maintain money order records. Always keep a copy of money orders you deposit, and receipts for money orders you send. If you're the victim of a money order scam, sharing this information with law enforcement can be very helpful.

ise endorsed by any of these entities. All information, including rates and fees, are accurate as of the date of publication.

https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/how-to-watch-out-for-money-order-scams/

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Response to csziggy (Reply #19)

Sat May 25, 2019, 03:28 PM

21. That's certainly good advice

especially to people who might be dealing with unknown persons through the mail, Internet, etc. In this case, the mechanic would have dealt personally with the individual trying to pay with money orders, and would be able to verify identity by the license number and VIN of the automobile being repaired. It would be very easy to get the local authorities on to someone who tried to scam a local service provider with phony money orders.

The story the OP was told didn't pass the smell test.

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Response to customerserviceguy (Reply #21)

Sat May 25, 2019, 03:34 PM

22. Maybe the mechanic knows the individual well enough to not trust her

If she'd bounced a check or two on him, he may know her well enough to not trust any money orders she dredged up.

Back when I was boarding people's horses, there were individuals that I'd had pass bad checks on me. One guy, after we went to court to collect over $5000 in board, vet, and farrier bills after he'd bounced two checks on me, tried to pay with certified checks. I had the judge on the case check to make sure they were valid - but then I contacted the payees to let them know that the money they'd paid as deposits on jobs was being used to pay past bad debts.

Long story short - the guy ended up in prison for over $150,000 in bounced checks he never made good - and ignoring warnings from the court to not have a bank account. The state attorney told me I was the only one to ever collect a debt from him - but I put liens on his step daughters horses until those debts were paid.

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Response to Croney (Original post)

Fri May 24, 2019, 04:10 PM

20. Never loan money to family. Give it away or not.

My wife and I are both blessed with families where this kind of shit never comes up.

It's a pay-it-forward kind of economics.

Sometimes it comes back in kind, sometimes not, but that's not the point.


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