Know any good Christmas jokes?

[red dog 1]

Q)..Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

A)..Because he only comes once a year.

[Cirque du So-What]

1. And when he does come...

it’s down the chimney.

[MyOwnPeace]

2. Company Party

Three guys went to the "company party" and had too good of a time and proceeded to get into a fatal crash upon leaving.
When the three arrived at St. Pete's Pearly Gate, they were told that "the Boss" wasn't happy with their behavior on the birthday of His Son.
However, if they could prove that they were "really" celebrating the birthday by producing some evidence on them, they could still be admitted.

The first guy reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys, held them in the air and began to jingle them.

St. Peter said, "What is that supposed to be?"

The first guy said, "They represent the bells of Christmas heard throughout the world!"

St. Peter smiled and said, "You may enter, my son."

The second guy had a worried look on his face, but then reached into his pocket and pulled out his money clip, loaded with a healthy stack of bills. Fanning them out he smiled and showed them to St. Peter.

"What is that about?" asked St. Peter.

"Why, it represents the ivy and its importance in the story of Christmas and the life of His Son."

Again, St. Peter smiled and said, "You may enter, my son."

By now guy number three was sweating bullets. But suddenly he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of lace panties.

"And WHAT do those have to do with Christmas?" asked a shocked St. Peter.

"Why, don't you know?" replied the man.

"They're Carols!"

[customerserviceguy]

3. Here's one of my favorites

A young girl comes to sit on Santa's lap, and he says, "What do you want for Christmas?"

She answers: "A Barbie...and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sputters "Wait, doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

"No, she just fakes it with Ken."

[2naSalit]

11. LOL!!

That's funny!

[customerserviceguy]

13. Thank you. n/t

[Captain Zero]

4. And that's down the chimney !

Nt

[benld74]

5. I kinda liked this one just today on DU

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212744953

[red dog 1]

6. Q) - What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A) Claustrophobic.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

7. What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

[red dog 1]

8. Q)..Where does Santa send the elves' wages?

A)..To the snow bank.

[red dog 1]

9. What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

[red dog 1]

10. Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hannah

Hanna who?

Hanna Partridge in a pear tree!

[2naSalit]

12. Mailman...

A mailman is delivering mail in a rather upscale neighborhood and he's getting some nice gifts from the folks along the way. He's got a couple bottles of scotch and some candy and what not, it's a well to do bunch of folks in this neighborhood.

As he arrives at one rather nice home that has one of those slots in the door for mail, the door opens wide and there stands a very attractive, scantily clad woman who asks him if he'd like some lunch. He accepts and the nice lady makes him a very nice lunch. As he's finishing she begins to rub his shoulders and asks him if he'd like to go upstairs for a little afternoon romp. He thinks about it for a moment and accepts the offer so they go upstairs and...

After they've had a good time and he gets up and dresses himself she slips up beside him and hands him $10. At this point the mailman is really wondering what's going on and says, "Lady, lunch was great, this little romp was quite a pleasant surprise but I don't get the money thing."

The lady replies, "Well I asked my husband what we should give the mailman for Christmas and he said, 'Screw him, give him ten bucks!' ...lunch was MY idea!"

[Polybius]

22. Lmao!

Hysterical!

[Marthe48]

28. Hahahahaha

Thanks! lol

[red dog 1]

14. Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them.

[red dog 1]

15. What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?

"This will sleigh you!"

[red dog 1]

16. Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he has a Black Belt.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

17. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

Sandy Claws!

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

18. What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms?

Santa Claus and his reindeer.

[red dog 1]

19. What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

[Haggis for Breakfast]

27. This was my English Professor's favorite Joke and she told it every year.

[red dog 1]

20. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?

To keep her off the North Pole.

[Polybius]

21. What did the tree skirt say to the Christmas tree?

Your balls are hanging!

[red dog 1]

23. What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?

Limp Bizkit

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

24. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

[red dog 1]

25. Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mary

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

[TomSlick]

26. Angel on the Christmas tree.

In mid-November, several of Santa's elves came down with food poisoning from some bad fruitcake putting toy production way behind schedule.

A couple of days before Christmas, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming on New Year's Eve to stay for a few weeks.

On Christmas Eve, Santa went to harness the reindeer and found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were missing. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Hoping to calm himself, Santa went in the house for a cup of hard cider. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider. In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor.

Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa went to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[ChubbyStar]

31. Best Christmas Joke Ever

I have shared it with 5 people and they howled.

[TomSlick]

32. Not original with me.

However, since I first heard it years ago, I have insisted the tree be topped with an angel.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

29. What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren.

[quickesst]

30. here you go

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[benld74]

33. How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing



It’s on the house

[KY_EnviroGuy]

34. America's GOP. They are a Christmas joke every year.

............. .........

[red dog 1]

35. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?

Silent Night.

[red dog 1]

36. What is Santa's favorite snack food?

Crisp Pringles

[red dog 1]

37. A Christmas knock knock joke

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Oakhom

Oakhom who?

Oakhom all ye faithfull