Anyone have a spouse who's infuriatingly incapable of long-term thinking and riddled with anxiety?

[NickB79]

My wife and I had an epic fight last night over this. Ever since we met, she's had that awful combo of anxiety and a very short-term planning mentality. No serious desire to save. No serious desire to plan for the future. Her mindset has always been a paycheck-to-paycheck mentality, because that's what her mom did to raise her as a kid. I was also raised in poverty, but my mindset is the opposite. I looked to my parents as an example of what NOT to do. So I worked 50-60 hr/wk when I was in my 20's to save for a house together. I found a house in our price range that I knew I could fix up as needed. And as I've been making improvements, she's been critical of them non-stop.

Why did I "waste money" on a heat pump when a cheaper AC unit would do? Because over it's 25-yr lifespan, it will end up saving us thousands on heating and cooling. Same with the higher-end, more efficient furnace I had installed. Same with the upgraded siding, windows and insulation we got. Same reason I've been getting quotes for a solar array on the roof. Same reason I bought a used Prius instead of a slightly cheaper used sedan, and why I want to replace it with an electric vehicle when it finally wears out. I crunch the numbers, see how much money we can save over the next 20-30 yr by making small sacrifices now, and pull the trigger. The fact that they are all environmentally friendly solutions to cut carbon emissions, which she knows means a lot to me, is icing on the cake.

Now it's gotten to the point she questions why I "waste" money on a YMCA membership. I just turned 40. I'm still very healthy, but I'm not young anymore. We have a 9-yr old daughter I need to stay healthy for. She's my prime motivation for all the home improvements; we need to save to help her with college in 10 years, to make sure we won't be a burden on her when we're old, and if she wants it, this will be her home when we're gone. My wife is borderline morbidly obese, and has made small changes to try to address this, but has anxiety attacks if I ask her about her health and if she'll come to the gym with me. Her health issues scare the hell out of me. I'm afraid that at this rate, I'll be burying my wife before we hit 60.

We don't struggle financially, we have a 6 month emergency fund and regularly contribute to it. A car repair or a few days off sick won't break us. I've told her that, if she is concerned about our money situation currently, she could look for a full-time job. That set her off. She's never worked full-time in the 16 yr I've known her, and based on her reaction it's clear she has a lot of anxiety about that as well. Screaming, table pounding, "I'm not employable!" despite her 10 yr of experience in her field, a college degree and job offers from former coworkers at their departments.

I'm at a loss right now. Our daughter, who has developed anxiety so severe over the last few years that her teacher asked if she was ever tested for autism, is freaking out that Mommy is going to leave us. Months of work to help her resolve her anxiety may have been undone in one night, and it scares me. Even our pediatrician has advised us that she's picking up on Mom's nervousness, and that she needs to address it for our daughter's mental well-being. Yet she refuses.

I don't want to leave my wife. I love my wife. But I love my daughter too. I don't know where to go from here. I want her input on the life I hoped we would build together, and am more than willing to listen to her needs and wants, but when it becomes so irrational that she resorts to screaming at me and throwing things in front of our daughter to win an argument, I'm at a loss.

[Comatose Sphagetti]

1. My wife does.

nt

[BootinUp]

2. Less than optimal health might be a compounding

Factor in her mental state. I know that when I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes it helped me tremendously as far as staying calm under pressure. Another way to think about it is that lower blood pressure means calmer and more rational thought. These are just my layman opinions. Good luck.

[YOHABLO]

3. Family counselling may be helpful. Think about it.

[Lochloosa]

5. I second the counselling. If not for both at least for him.

[pbmus]

6. Agree...also this

https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/aboutnvc.htm

[LisaL]

4. Predisposion to anxiety is genetic.

My guess is daughter isn't anxious just because she is picking up on her mother's anxiety, she likely inherited her mother's anxiety.
Has your wife tried any meds for anxiety?

[Merlot]

16. Sad but true.

Also, ADHD is genetic, and with the anxiety and aversion to long term planning.

Some things we want to think are personality traits that can be learned or unlearned are unfortunately genetic dispositions. Becoming aware is sometimes the best you can do.

[peacebuzzard]

7. I know its not the same, but I have known many like that.

Not a spouse, but other people who have tried to get involved in my life to offer suggestions and criticisms.

Some situations just call for nodding in agreement or stating ok and moving on. I guess that's where the hen-pecked spouse evolves.

[OregonBlue]

8. Nothing you can do for her because she may not want your help.

I recommend family counseling for you and your daughter. Maybe if you two start, she might join in. If not, the two of you will have a stronger bond.First make sure that your wife is not trying to ask you for more attention. Men are from Mars might help.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. I'd recommend getting counseling for yourself, or family counseling if she's willing

to participate. This doesn't sound like a situation you can fix by yourself.

[Coventina]

10. I feel for you, very sincerely. My spouse and I have a slightly similar dynamic.

In this case, I would be your wife.

However, every relationship is different, so take this with as many grains of salt as you feel are warranted.

I grew up much like your wife (and you, it seems).

The lowest cost option was always it, because better options were never available. You can take the girl out of poverty, it's harder to take the poverty out of the girl.

One tact you might try is showing her that a rainy day fund, does, indeed, exist. She might be anxious that the costlier options are making you more vulnerable, in case disaster strikes. If you can demonstrate that is not the case, and that the choices are actually making her MORE secure, that might help.

For decisions you make in the future, be sure to explain your reasoning. And, at least try to make her feel included in that decision, that should help her feel better about it.

My husband is really good about doing that for me. There is such a thing as being penny-wise and pound-foolish, and I was a textbook case for it. My husband did a great job of gently educating me otherwise. Believe me, I resisted. I felt a lot of anxiety about paying off my credit cards, when we were first involved. How could I afford to live if I was spending so much money for no tangible benefit? I was keeping up all my minimum payments with no trouble. Why not continue doing that?

Also, he convinced me that buying savings bonds with some of my income each paycheck was not the best way to save. And he convinced me to cash in the ones I had. Boy, did I ever resist that!! I thought I was going the smart thing! (And, it was definitely better than doing NOTHING!) But, I have to say, he has done a great job with creating a nest-egg for us, in spite of my initial misgivings.

About the health aspect: It's another thing that makes her deal with her anxiety head on, which is not what anxious people want to do.
Also, if food is a comfort for her (as it is with many overweight people, myself included) "giving it up" is very anxiety-triggering.
What will I do if I can't have my treats when I feel overwhelmed?

"Eating your feelings" is a real thing. Again, positive reinforcement is a tricky balancing act. Maybe invite her to take a walk with you, rather than going to a gym? (Gyms can be VERY intimidating for those of us who are not body-positive).
Go on bike rides together?

My husband and I take yoga classes together, which really help to relationship build. It's kind of a built in date, and we get a healthy dinner together afterwards. Also, something about yoga helps the libido as well, so, sexy-times sometimes ensue later in the evening.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps. I just saw a little bit of myself reflected in what you said about your wife. (Although I've never actually yelled or thrown things, I'm more of shut-down and sulk kinda gal).

Good luck!!!

[Donkees]

11. Stress hormones extremely out of balance do affect cognitive planning abilities, overall health, ...

weight gain, etc., maybe a thorough medical exam with a specialist would help.

[dawg day]

12. Counseling of course

But one thing I've found is when anxious partners have "investment" into a decision, they're often much happier about it as they feel like they had some control.

The problem is, whenever I ask the anxious partner to participate in a decision, they dither and fret for MONTHS. Finally I just make the decision myself.

But I've learned whenever I don't want to do something, I let the partner do all the research. Like some place we once wanted to go on vacation started having political problems, and I really didn't want to go there anymore. Partner did. I said, "Okay, you research the different options!"

It's been a year, and they're still researching.

It's aggravating. But your wife is taking it to a new level. It does sound like anxiety is driving her to more and more extreme.

[mopinko]

13. i do.

i recently acquired a domestic partner. had a long term, part time relationship. things broke down w #1, and he landed on my doorstep pretty much on fire, mentally.

it has been hard. he isnt committed to staying here, but he is happy-ish, and not motivated to leave right now.

so, he is what it has boiled down to me-
what i want for him is healing.
what i need from him is trust.
what we have together is a foundation of love and laughter, and a lot in common.

my home is a place of peace, love, nature, art, good food and laughter.

there is much to build, but our foundation is strong.

good luck. i spent 30 years in a spin cycle like you are in, and never could figure out how to break out. but i put a lot of my anxieties to bed since, and feel very firmly footed right now.

[jpak]

14. You're a good husband and a good father NickB79

I'm sure you will work this out.

[Niagara]

15. First I have to ask

When was the last time that your wife had a yearly lady exam or a physical from a doctor? I would actually start with a physical exam first to rule out any medical condition that may be triggering her problems.

There's all types of medical conditions that cause extreme weight issues, cognitive disorders and mood disorders that include anxiety, irritability, and depression. Among these are diabetes/low blood sugar, hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues, perimenopuase/menopause, and Cushing's Syndrome. I'm sure there are other medical conditions that I have forgotten to mention.

In a 2006 issue of Reader's Digest, there was an article about a lady and her doctor put her on a diet. She followed this diet and still couldn't lose any weight. Her doctor accused her of cheating and not following the diet that he put her on. Her husband and son avoided her at home because she was an emotional roller coaster of severe mood swings. It took years, but she was finally diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome and got the treatment she needed.

[Phentex]

17. Counseling of course but also...

please don't say things like if you are concerned about money, you can look for a job. That may be true but with everything else she is anxious about, that is not a helpful suggestion. Yet.

She may also not feel like being seen at the Y (part of her anxiety) and she may be feeling like you see her as fat and that's why you are suggesting it. Try asking her to go on a walk with you. Make it a regular thing. That also gives you time to talk to her. Once you give her some space to talk about issues, you can let her know you are concerned about her health too.

Counseling would bring out what both of you are really feeling. I'm glad you care enough to be concerned about all of this.

[Happyhippychick]

18. You need to seek counseling with someone who specializes in setting boundaries

I'm a Therapist. Your wife needs serious boundaries and you need serious help in learning how to set them. Learning how to do it is life changing and helpful not just to you but to her.

Throwing things is violence, screaming is unacceptable. I don't care what her history is, or what anybody's history is, there is no excuse on the planet for that behavior and I would tell her in no uncertain terms that this behavior stops now. If she can't control herself then got remove your daughter and yourself from the home or tell her to leave until she can get control of herself. And insist she get help for her anger.

[blueinredohio]

19. If your wife won't go to counseling

you need to go and take your daughter. It can't hurt. I have a granddaughter who's twelve and starting to come home early from school because of anxiety. My daughter is willing to take her but she doesn't want to go.

[Karadeniz]

20. I agree with all the counseling advice...but don't stick with one who isn't helping.

[UTUSN]

21. First, my heart goes out to you.

Next, I shouldn't chime in.

Too late, now that I have. My situation isn't a spouse, it's an elderly (I'm elderly, too) sister near 80, the only closest relative. Stereotypical retired schoolteacher/never married. Older than me 7 yrs. When I was waking up at 10, she was in her teens, makes a difference.

She's always been "difficult." My parents and other older (now deceased) sister all had difficulties with her. We were a "traditional" family background, like, never a nursing home, never professional analysis, never cut ties.

Our contact now is basically by phone, like, once a week. We almost always end up quibbling. She's not a "helpmeet", doesn't companion or share.

The real deal with her is: Passive aggressive. She withholds, never validates, never joins. She has another couple of similarly unrelatable friends. Her main thing in life is taking tours to the nice European places, nothing adventurous, and going to classical music concerts.

She's been in MOZART's bedroom; Stonehenge; gypsy caves in Spain; six weeks study in London. Yet, if you talked to her, she has nothing to say. Oh, she never took pictures because "nobody wants to hear about other people's vacations." There is no record. She doesn't want an obituary. Has no interest in anybody else's opinions or interests, has no empathy for little animals. Nothing.

I feel responsible, can't cut her loose. Also, feel oppressed. She lived with and was caretaker of our parents, and I'm supremely appreciative and grateful for that.

It's a mountain of Passive Aggression.

[Iggo]

22. Get ahead of it before the resentment goes any further.