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Thu May 6, 2021, 07:18 AM

My family has cut off all contact with a sibling...

I'll call her "Susan."

She first off lives with a hopeless alcoholic, and won't move out no matter how many times he's locked her out of the house.
And she is a pathological liar.

We've tried, but "Susan" simply can no longer be trusted by anyone.

And she is doing dope.
Probably cocaine.

On Tuesday she picked me up for an appointment, and it went fine, (she had gone off to a local store,) until after I called her to pick me up to go home.

She never showed up and shut her phone off.

And she DEMANDED later (not asked) I loan her $50.

I refused, she showed up at my house and continued to demand.
She was strung out and wouldn't leave until I called 911.

So the rest of my family has cut "Susan" out of the family completely.

Anyone else have any horror stories about siblings like this?

31 replies, 2216 views

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Arrow 31 replies Author Time Post
Reply My family has cut off all contact with a sibling... (Original post)
Archae May 6 OP
SWBTATTReg May 6 #1
speak easy May 6 #2
ZenDem May 6 #14
speak easy May 6 #15
ZenDem May 6 #20
Laffy Kat May 6 #21
speak easy May 6 #22
Laffy Kat May 6 #25
NNadir May 6 #3
Archae May 6 #17
NNadir May 9 #31
bullwinkle428 May 6 #4
DownriverDem May 6 #5
hurple May 6 #6
sheilahi May 6 #7
Archae May 6 #18
Thunderbeast May 6 #8
Wounded Bear May 6 #9
Harker May 6 #10
birdographer May 6 #12
Liberty Belle May 6 #11
Major Nikon May 6 #13
Demovictory9 May 6 #28
Major Nikon May 7 #29
Fla Dem May 6 #16
yardwork May 6 #19
Skittles May 6 #23
appalachiablue May 6 #24
jcgoldie May 6 #26
TexasBushwhacker May 6 #27
Ilsa May 7 #30

Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 09:33 AM

1. I had two (one has passed) that had serious problems w/ the drink, still have issues w/ the

one sibling that won't listen to doctor's advice, quit drinking and take their medications as they should. Like someone told me, you can led a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

The family has pretty well cut him out of the family since he continues to drink, go off on 'drunk' calling during the early morning hours (4 a.m.) and rants and raves at other family members for no reason, other than what's in his screwed up mind. My sister is the only one that tries to help him but she is getting very close to shutting him out, etc. I tried to tell my sister this, but at first she resisted/still helped him but now...she's discovering just how right I was, in that you can't make a horse drink water.

Love can't help or cure addicts. And they know that help is out there. No excuses.

They must take that critical first step, and start on the process of healing themselves, no one else can do it for them. I'm sorry I sound pretty grim, but after watching multiple family members in my family go this route (the 'drunk' route, nothing is wrong, etc., my sister and I are all burnt out, since nothing seems to work, and they revert right back to their bad habits).

This is one of the great banes of all families. I wish you the best. By the way, her shutting off the phone sounds so much like my alcoholic brother. He'll call late at night (none of us will answer the phone), moan, rant, rave, whatever comes to his mind (and of course none of his diatribe makes any sense, none of them ever do), and then afterwards, shut off his phone (can't handle the crap he deserves after his 'drunk' dialed calls).

My biggest concern is you ... please watch yourself and take care of yourself. You don't really know the state of their mind (well, you kinda do now, when 'Susan' came over to your place and demanded money). Be careful and perhaps alert the police department of this potential threat to your safety and health (how desperate will 'Susan' get?, bang you on the head for money, etc.?)...

My heart is out there for you and yours. At least, perhaps, you all are now fully aware of this situation. Be on the alert, perhaps change your phone number, etc. (probably too late and you may not want to change the number(s) either (I don't blame you)), otherwise you'll get calls/visits at all times of the day, some of which can be pretty nasty.

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Response to Archae (Original post)


Response to speak easy (Reply #2)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:41 AM

14. That's terrible.

No one should have to suffer abuse and bullying because they're afraid someone might off themselves. If she can't fix her life, why should everyone else suffer? Yeah, it would be tragic if she did, but no one would be to blame except her, just like her drug addiction and bad life choices are hers. Do you think they should just keep handing her free money? Wait until her abusive husband decides to take his rage out on the family? Wait for her to show up one day in a drug induced haze with a weapon?

Screw that. If there is a cancer in the family, it should be removed until it's cured. Enabling her isn't helping her. Hitting rock bottom without a rope might.

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Response to ZenDem (Reply #14)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:47 AM

15. "If there is a cancer in the family"

Say no more. I have no time for any argument that equates with people with disease. Ever.

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Response to speak easy (Reply #15)

Thu May 6, 2021, 11:41 AM

20. Okay.

I wrote other stuff, but you can absolutely pick one thing to "win" your argument.

My opinion is it's much worse to attempt to shame a person into enabling someone else's self-destructive and abusive behavior "just in case" than it is to use an apt analogy.

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Response to speak easy (Reply #2)

Thu May 6, 2021, 01:56 PM

21. Please don't guilt people for looking out for their own well-being.

Under the circumstances, I think it is the right decision. Maybe consider removing your post?

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Response to Laffy Kat (Reply #21)

Thu May 6, 2021, 02:03 PM

22. 'Maybe consider removing your post?'

OK. Will do.

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Response to speak easy (Reply #22)

Thu May 6, 2021, 02:41 PM

25. ......

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 09:52 AM

3. Oh yeah. I have a brother to whom I've not spoken in 15 or 20 years.

You start out loving your siblings and you do your best, and you forgive many times until it reaches a point of no return.

It's tough, but you learn to live with it. I recently learned he's still alive, but that's all I know and quite honestly all I want to know.

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Response to NNadir (Reply #3)

Thu May 6, 2021, 11:23 AM

17. Anything you're willing say as to why you won't speak to him?

If not, that's ok too.

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Response to Archae (Reply #17)

Sun May 9, 2021, 06:27 PM

31. My brother is brilliant, extremely talented in multiple areas, and is one of the funniest people...

...I've ever known, a tremendous wit.

I told my sons that if he finds out I've died and shows up at my funeral, and they meet him, they will think he's a great guy and will have great difficulty understanding what my problem with him was exactly.

I told them to check their underwear to see if it was still on, because it's likely my brother will have stolen it, and then make them feel bad for making him steal it, and also feel bad about walking around semi-naked at a funeral.

I told my sons to tell him that I had a last wish that I addressed to him, which was that he return the bottle of "Pain Expeller."

I made the mistake of going into business with him after my mother died, to make sure he knew I was forgiving him for the way he abrogated all responsibility, while placing his huge legal problems on my father's plate while my father's beloved wife, my mother, was dying a horrible death in front of us.

My grandmother left me nothing but she did give me an antique bottle, the product still in it, of an ancient patent medicine called "Pain Expeller."

One day the bottle disappeared from my bookshelf, where it had been since I was a young teenager with an interest in medication.

My brother had embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from the business, while I was basically living hand to mouth, and used it to remodel his house for resale. I went over there one day as things were falling apart. He'd built a huge glass display case in which decorative items were displayed, including the bottle of "Pain Expeller." He had a key to my father's house, where I was living. He knew how I loved to talk about that silly old bottle with my friends and relatives.

Believe it or not, that was the end of the first in a long series of efforts to forgive him.

I did forgive him, but I warned my extended family to beware of him; something they ignored saying "he's changed."

He rolled everyone of them; until they all came to me to tell me I was right. (At family gatherings we still all talk about him, including recalling his charm.)

After lecturing me and my father - who had the inexcusable temerity (in my brother's mind) to resume dating after my mother died - about "the sanctity of marriage," he abandoned his wife because the mafia was after him for bad loans, after telling my cousin that unless she gave him money, the mafia thugs with whom he was dealing might kill her seven year old daughter.

It goes downhill from there.

I have him money and frequent flier miles to get out of town, but I told him, knowing he never would, that I wanted to be paid back.

Later, he married a woman for whom my wife used to baby sit - how he hooked up with her is a scary thought, since we knew nothing about who she was, until well after the fact - and managed to embezzle huge sums of money from her parents, this while telling all kinds of stories about how I was just the way you describe your sister "Susan." He then started to have an affair with an 18 year old waitress in the business his 2nd wife's parents financed. (According to my wife, she's impressed that he was able to get any money out of those people, since they were skinflints.) He also made a big deal about he took care of my mother while she was dying while I was off living the high life.

When he showed up at my house, in his early 50's with an 18 year old girlfriend, a very pretty but very childish girl, I was appalled. He announced she was going to be his third wife.

Later the stories he told his second wife's parents got back to me through my sister-in-law. They actually believed him because he is a tremendously talented and skilled liar. He makes Trump look like a rube as a liar.

I called my sons together - they were maybe 9 and 13 at the time - and I said, "Gentlemen, I want you to live your lives in such a way that neither of you will ever even think of doing what I am about to do. I am never going to speak to my brother, your uncle, again."

I haven't.

Then I made sure they knew all about the Pain Expeller. I may have lost a brother, something about which I sometimes feel a pinch of guilt, but then I reflect on how wonderfully the pain of dealing with him has been expelled from my life.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 09:55 AM

4. DAMN...I'm sorry you have to deal with a situation like this. Makes me

appreciate the relatively uncomplicated nature of my own family dynamics, annoying as they might be on a regular basis.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 09:57 AM

5. I hope you

cut her off too. You don't need her and she is a whole lot of trouble.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 09:58 AM

6. I have a son like that

Well, he *was* like that. His vice was alcohol. And pot.

What finally convinced him to clean up was when my wife, his mom, finally reached the breaking point and not only cut him off but called the police to come take him away, during one of his benders, herself.

That was his wake-up call. He has completely turned around, mostly. It's still a crap shoot whether he will show up when expected, but some people are like that and at least it's not because he's passed out somewhere now.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:00 AM

7. omg

Maybe you and your family could get together and read her the letters you've written about how her addiction is affecting your lives. OMG! I've been watching too much Intervention. Now if anyone has an over 600 pound friend or is considering getting a K1 Visa for an overseas fiance, maybe I can help you out with that too. Thanks COVID.

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Response to sheilahi (Reply #7)

Thu May 6, 2021, 11:25 AM

18. Oh, my sibling knows why she is cut off.

But "Susan" doesn't care.

It looks like I was her last sucker.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:05 AM

8. There is a ton of information online about codependency.

Take the time to learn what behaviors YOU can change to make yourself happy. Enabling your sister's drama is not helping her.

Unless you establish boundaries in your relationship, you both face peril as a result of her addiction.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:05 AM

9. Addiction in all its forms is a horrible thing...

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:11 AM

10. I have an ex-brother. n/t

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Response to Harker (Reply #10)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:17 AM

12. I also have an ex-brother

but not for any of the severe and dramatic reasons in the OP. He's an asshole, I called him that about 10 years ago, he told me to never contact him again for any reason, I thought "works for me" and that was the end of that. He did used to drink two beers at a time, but mostly he is just an asshole.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:14 AM

11. I cut off contact for a year with an abusive sibling on prescription opiates;

He blew apart his marriage, and would call my parents screaming, as well as me, making threats and exploded when I sought to get help for him. I finally told hm not to call or see me until he got off the drugs.

He finally did, and things were okay for a while so we reconciled. Due to chronic pain he is back on another opiate now, but has managed to control his anger and seems to have learned that actions have consequences. I'm glad we're on speaking terms again, and he is helping now that Dad has passed and Mom is in a care facility, needing family visitors.

So there's hope that eventually your sister will hit bottom and seek out help, or learn to treat family members better. I hope so, for your sake.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:22 AM

13. I have a brother I haven't spoken to since 1996

He had been on drugs and stealing from the family for many years. It finally got to the point where I could no longer decline taking action. After reporting his thefts to the police totaling several thousand dollars, he did a number of years in prison. The worst part about having someone like that in the family is when something valuable comes up missing you always suspect the worse. It wasn't so much that I couldn't deal with it anymore, but I had to make a decision not to subject my family to that environment.

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #13)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:36 PM

28. watching that show "intervention"... all they do is steal steal steal from family

or brow beat poor grandma for money

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Response to Demovictory9 (Reply #28)

Fri May 7, 2021, 12:48 PM

29. Rehab often doesn't work when the person wants to quit

If they have no desire to quit the chances of success drop to about nil. The whole idea of "intervention" is flawed.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 11:10 AM

16. Whenever I read a post like this I realize how fortunate I am.

I have a wonderful family, my siblings and extended family are all close. Not at your house every day close, but sharing birthdays, holidays and special events. Regular phone calls just to say hi and get caught up. During the pandemic we do family zoom get togethers about once a month. So I feel very, very blessed and so sorry for those who have dissension and strife in their families.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 11:25 AM

19. I'm so sorry.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 02:07 PM

23. "Susan" likely is mentally ill

which you may be aware of

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 02:31 PM

24. Maybe substance abuse + mental issues

as noted above. It can make things more complicated but also help clarify problems sometimes.

As noted by others, you should be careful, your sibling is trouble for herself and you.

If she's cooperative suggest getting professional help. But she has to decide to take the necessary steps.

It sounds like the rest of the family has departed, maybe others. So don't become a patsy, or 'savior..' That sounds cruel but doing down that road is perilous. Take care and good luck.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 02:47 PM

26. My older brother...

He was a crack addict. He stole a car from me and one from my other brother which he traded for drugs. He stole many things from my parents including my mother's jewelry. He finally overdosed on heroin and died in 2014.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 10:27 PM

27. Yup, I have a brother who chose his new wife over his daughter,

my only niece. He basically abandoned her when she was 7 to her drug addict mother. He wouldn't even pay child support to her mom. Instead, it went into a trust fund for her to go to college. Anything she hadn't used he got back when she was 25, and you'd better believe he went after it. Funny thing is, he's a born again Christian.

Thankfully my good brother and I have re-established a relationship with her after all these years. She just turned 28 and is beautiful, bright and hard working.

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Response to Archae (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 12:56 PM

30. If she appears to be a danger to herself or others,

that could be your opportunity to have her picked up and taken to a hospital ED for evaluation and maybe a 72 hour hold.

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