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Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:07 PM

Broke Up, Feeling Depressed

I met a woman on Plenty of Fish and we texted for a few months. At first we'd text every other day but then she wouldn't respond for several days and would barely answer. So I tried to set up a phone call date hoping it might work better if we had one every week instead like I did with a different woman before I met her. But I tried to organize that for a month and she wouldn't answer. Finally when I set it up she missed it because she got stuck on a hike. So finally I said I wanted to get to know her better by talking on the phone then maybe going out for coffee in hopes that we become boyfriend and girlfriend. She said she'd like to get to know me better and we had a lot in common but stay as friends. I've seen this kind of thing before; a woman will blow me off than suddenly it's "I've met someone better, don't contact me anymore". So I said that makes me very sad but if you're not open to a romantic relationship I'd rather spend my time pursuing someone who is".
Now I'm depressed. No one has ever wanted to be my girlfriend, not once. I'm autistic and have a 134 IQ; it's extremely hard to find compatible women. One thing online dating has beaten into my head is there aren't very many people like me out there. I hate online dating; most women ghost me- stop contact with me without saying why. Now Eharmony is being stupid and not letting me log in so I have to work that out because I'm paying over 200$ a year for it.

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Arrow 22 replies Author Time Post
Reply Broke Up, Feeling Depressed (Original post)
Rizen Jun 16 OP
Rorey Jun 16 #1
Harker Jun 16 #2
True Dough Jun 16 #3
Hugh_Lebowski Jun 16 #4
Bayard Jun 16 #5
LyndaG Jun 16 #6
CloudWatcher Jun 16 #7
Tomconroy Jun 16 #8
vercetti2021 Jun 16 #9
Rizen Jun 16 #10
vercetti2021 Jun 16 #11
NJCher Jun 18 #15
Skittles Jun 16 #12
lillypaddle Jun 17 #13
Wingus Dingus Jun 18 #14
NJCher Jun 18 #16
Wingus Dingus Jun 18 #17
NJCher Jun 18 #20
Tomconroy Jun 18 #18
NJCher Jun 18 #19
Rizen Jun 18 #21
Tomconroy Jun 18 #22

Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:17 PM

1. It sounds like you're very persistent

And that might be part of the problem.

It's unfortunate that none of the women you've met online have leveled with you about why they don't want to continue a relationship, but you can't control that.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:18 PM

2. Perhaps it would work to your betterment to narrow the field.

Are there 'special interest' sites that might increase the likelihood of compatibility?

Never slam the door, Rizen, for someone perfect might be in the hallway.

Onward!

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:20 PM

3. Maybe if you get accepted to compete on Jeopardy

someone from the national TV audience will fall for you. Give it a try!

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:30 PM

4. Sorry, that's a bummer!

One bit of advice though: "in hopes that we become boyfriend and girlfriend"

If you did say that out loud (rather than just meaning you thought it), I would avoid that in the future. It sounds overly eager. Honestly if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that playing it 'cool' with women in the early stages (and 90% of times if you've never met, it's early stages!) has a lot more advantages than disadvantages.

Also don't discount the value of making new friends. For one thing, that situation could change (don't count on it, but it could happen) over time. And you never know who that person might know. One of the best ways to make romantic connections is thru people you already know.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:49 PM

5. I'm sorry to hear this, Rizen

Online relationships are a crap shoot.

I tried it for awhile after my ex and I split. There are scammers that prey on the lonely. But the gems I met made it worth it. Two became very good friends, another one I dated for 2 years and he wanted to get married, the last one is now my husband.

Since we can now get out and about some, it improves your options. Are there community classes available? I met my ex in one, and we were married for 30 years. Explore your interests--Music? Art? History? Its a good way to meet people who share them.

Best.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 02:52 PM

6. I'm sorry

Hope you meet somebody wonderful soon.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 03:25 PM

7. Mensa?

I'm old-school and don't generally have a clue, but perhaps Mensa might be a better fit than the dating apps. At least you'd have a greater chance of meeting someone that isn't turned off by a high IQ (and are frankly, a little more forgiving when considering social awkwardness).

But in general, being desperate for a gf is going to keep a lot of women away. It's a catch-22.

Relax, find activities to do that you enjoy and keep your eyes open.

Good luck!

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 07:52 PM

8. I would try not to spend too much time emailing back and forth.

Relatively early on, you might ask someone you are interested in to meet for a drink or cup of coffee. Meeting somebody in person is the goal. On line 'dating' is just a way to meet someone new. No substitute for real life.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 08:09 PM

9. I'm so sorry

My two cents. Never ever use dating sites. Those are incredibly fake people on those mostly looking for a booty call. My advice? Get involved in a group. Find groups that do something you like. Go to painting classes. I think it's best for letting it happen naturally than force it to happen.

She obviously wasn't serious with you to begin with. She ghosted you numerous times which is a huge red flag. Then to say like she met someone better? Well she sounds very egotistical and probably is a gold digger.

I say you avoided a huge bullet with that one. It's going to be okay honey. I promise you'll find someone when the universe decides it

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #9)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 09:42 PM

10. Thanks for the support

That stuff wasn't all one person but rather a collection of experiences from several people.

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Response to Rizen (Reply #10)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 10:27 PM

11. I've had it too

Like I get trying to be persistent. I've done that but it tends to be a turn off and desperate on your end. If they wanna talk to you, they'll make the time. If they ghost and silently don't respond. Brush it off and move on. Incompatible.

I am myself extremely awkward. But very open and loving. Now being trans. I'm sure I'll get unwanted attention lol but having a high IQ like that is amazing! Someone will love you for who you are. I just wouldn't rush it on dating sites. I've met two good friends on there since we knew we weren't compatible as lovers.

Avoid all dating sites. Look into your community

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #9)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 10:57 AM

15. I have a friend who

has been searching for someone on these sites (including the one mentioned in the OP) for a decade, and she gets the worst men. Horrible. Last one was a 4'11 CPA with an AHEM rather large tummy.

And she's 5'3"!

Like the OP, my friend is high IQ and I keep telling her that unless she's able to find someone of comparable IQ, it's not going to work. And sure enough, she was dating some average jerks from these sites and they were unable to appreciate her.

One she dated ghosted her TWICE!! Just disappeared off the face of the earth. She tracked him down, gave him a second shot, and he disappeared again.

She is definitely trying too hard.

Now, on the other hand, I know a guy who is high IQ and could care less if he has a relationship. He told me he's been through that twice and knows what it's all about. I said what is it all about and he replied that it's about him getting the job of cleaning the bathroom when the household chores are divided.

But I think because he has this "couldn't care less" attitude, he gets a lot of women after him.

My girlfriend, however, wants "boyfriend/girlfriend" way too fast.

After seeing what I've seen of my friend's experience, if I were single, I would not touch these sites. I would just have friends to hang out with and have good times with if I couldn't find a romantic interest.



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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Wed Jun 16, 2021, 10:31 PM

12. I think you should try to meet more gals in real life

I'm guessing that your austism combined with a high IQ may be detrimental in online communication of that sort....that perhaps you are often misunderstood.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Thu Jun 17, 2021, 12:31 PM

13. I think you are trying too hard

back off a little and don't act so desperate. That advice having been given, keep in mind that I am 73 and have been single for the last 15 years.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 10:23 AM

14. My son is having some of the same problems you describe in dating online--

getting ghosted a lot, that sort of thing. All the women he's met or dated have real issues, too. Abusive ex-husbands that stalk him and the woman when they go on dates, serious mental-health issues, dishonesty...one girl told him after a month of dating that he would never be allowed at her apartment because "her roommates don't like him". He told me he never even met her roommates. I think she was probably living with a man and was cheating on him with my son.

The last woman he met online he dated for five months. He was in love with her despite her depression/mental health issues, wanted us to meet her. She ended their relationship abruptly via a text message while he was at work (she knew he was at work, he works the same hours every day/week), and then cut off all communication. He was devastated, and still had to go through the rest of his workday trying (and failing) to focus and hold it together. Deliberately cruel person. That's the kind of garbage girls he's been meeting online. I wish he could meet someone who is at least kind and somewhat stable. Edit to add: I don't have any advice for you, just letting you know there are other guys in your situation. It sucks.

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Response to Wingus Dingus (Reply #14)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 11:02 AM

16. if you see my post above

the men she found on these sites were mentally dysfunctional, IMO. One was barely able to make a living and the other had issues with that, too, though he did hold a degree from a good institution and he eventually found a decent job. But same as what you say, they have issues with their spouse and child support and seeing their children.

I repeat, after what I've seen (and I've listened to stories for 10 years now )
I would not bother with these sites. They have to be the biggest collection of looking for love losers at life ever.

I will admit I've never once gone on these sites and my opinion is based strictly on my friend's practical experience.

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Response to NJCher (Reply #16)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 11:41 AM

17. This is the way young people date now--my son is 25 and apparently

asking women out in person just doesn't happen much anymore, might even get young men labeled a "creep". They're all screening each other first, and if you don't come off good in your profile, forget ever meeting someone, I guess. I will point out, having read your first post upthread, that being short doesn't equal defective as a person (speaking as a 4'10" woman with a son who is 5'5" I'm sure there are women who automatically reject him on that basis, so his available pool of women is smaller--he's upfront about it, he knows honesty is key. But he's got other things going for him, and I hope he'll find someone nice. That's really been his problem--just finding someone decent who isn't an asshole or really fucked up in some way.

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Response to Wingus Dingus (Reply #17)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 01:30 PM

20. In that case

I have a suggestion.

Some dating show was on in the background and I happened to catch this: out of the four guys behind the curtain, only one was short and he also said he was an accomplished chef, in addition to his regular job which I can't remember what it was, but it was some type of business exec job.

The short guy with the great cooking skills got the date, and overwhelmingly so. Not only was he chosen by the woman, but there was some type of panel of other women and they all wanted him, too.

Now, you've all heard the expression a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so this appears to be true for women, too.

on edit:

everybody tells me that this (computer dating) is how young people date now but I have to wonder whatever happened to meeting people at all these huge gatherings they go to.

Last week a friend and I were having dinner in a town with an active downtown night life and there were small groups of young women and men walking around (women in a group, men in a group). You have to think they're out looking.



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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 11:59 AM

18. I don't know if this would be a possibility

In your situation, but is there a particular type of music that you like? Would you be interested in taking dance lessons so that you could dance to it? It made a difference in my life. Social dancing. Just learning some basic moves so you can look decent on the dance floor. Today it's all hip hop stuff I guess. But I love the music of the big bands and the Great American Songbook. You can find lessons for any type of dancing. In my experience a lot of woman like the idea of being held when they dance. I don't think I was ever turned down if early on I would ask a girl 'Would you like to go dancing some night?'. It sets you out a little from the other guys. Just a thought.

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Response to Tomconroy (Reply #18)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 01:25 PM

19. It sure does

One of the single, handsome, accomplished men I know hates to dance. He told me that whenever he asks a woman what she wants to do, they very often say "go dancing." He doesn't know how to dance and doesn't care enough if he ever dates anyone to learn, so that's a dead ender for him.

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Response to Rizen (Original post)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 01:48 PM

21. Thanks for the support everyone!

I posted something similar on another site and got completely ignored.

I figured out how to get back on Eharmony. Sadly I live in the large but scarcely populated state of Colorado and not in Denver so there aren't a lot of options besides online dating but I will keep your suggestions in mind.

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Response to Rizen (Reply #21)

Fri Jun 18, 2021, 03:09 PM

22. It may be your physical isolation is

More the problem than any personal issues. I don't think long distance relationships work that well. A more urban setting means more possibilities.

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