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Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:14 PM

Feel free to weigh in.

Met up at a favorite restaurant with longtime close friend the other evening. While I did not have much to say about myself, having spent much of the past two years in voluntary solitary confinement, I wanted to hear all about her sudden whirlwind romance and engagement.

During a recent FaceTime happy hour, which included her fiancé, I’m not sure how the subject came up but she started talking about how great his retirement income was. It isn’t something I would have brought up, but I let the discussion topic run it’s course and said something like, “That’s great” for the sake of politeness.

However, when she again brought up the subject of his very generous retirement income at dinner l felt disturbed by it. She knows how much my retirement income is - which allows me to live comfortably and enjoy a few pleasures, and her income has been roughly the same, but way below his apparent tax bracket.

So, am I envious? No. I have what I need and have never aspired to great wealth. Again, I listened and made polite nods to her apparent good fortune, but am left with questions about the etiquette surrounding discussions of money in social situations.

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Arrow 17 replies Author Time Post
Reply Feel free to weigh in. (Original post)
Mme. Defarge Mar 2022 OP
secondwind Mar 2022 #1
Ocelot II Mar 2022 #2
mercuryblues Mar 2022 #3
Sogo Mar 2022 #10
c-rational Mar 2022 #4
Floyd R. Turbo Mar 2022 #5
AngryOldDem Mar 2022 #6
JustABozoOnThisBus Mar 2022 #7
Mme. Defarge Mar 2022 #9
Raven Mar 2022 #8
Sogo Mar 2022 #11
Mme. Defarge Mar 2022 #12
Raven Mar 2022 #13
Mme. Defarge Mar 2022 #14
Skittles Mar 2022 #15
Mme. Defarge Mar 2022 #16
Skittles Mar 2022 #17

Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:17 PM

1. From the internet:




If you are asking about how much they make or how they can afford something or if they own their place then yes very rude. If it's you bragging on how much or little you make yes rude. if it's on investment opportunities, creating wealth, then no.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:17 PM

2. I was taught that it's always inappropriate to discuss money - how much you have,

how much you earn, etc. My parents said you must never ask people about their money, or especially to brag about your own wealth if you have it. I am old, though, and maybe customs have changed.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:20 PM

3. I think it is tacky

Next time she brings it up, simply say... How nice for you, but as I barely know him, I care more about how he treats you, my dear friend.

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Response to mercuryblues (Reply #3)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 02:03 PM

10. This.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:23 PM

4. My Mom always told us never to discuss money at the dinner table, and also never ask what

someone made. She wa a Smith College grad from the 30's. I admire the path you are on, and as an aside, I have noted that when some people come into money they change, and generally not for the good.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:49 PM

5. My response: "That's great, so why do you

buy your clothes at Goodwill?”🤗

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 12:56 PM

6. Bragging.

I think it’s rude. My ex-BILs were like that. In their case, they were rubbing everybody else’s noses in it. I would always think of that Don Henley lyric — “hearses don’t come with luggage racks.”

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 01:25 PM

7. Since fiance was at the FaceTime happy hour, he must be ok ...

... with her discussing his income.

If she brings it up again, ask her if there are pre-nups.

And wish them well.

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Response to JustABozoOnThisBus (Reply #7)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 01:50 PM

9. I have calmed down about him

because he does seem to be okay. Initially, however, there were so many red flags for me over how fast things got serious between them that although I was happy that she’d found companionship, my advice was that they not take out life insurance policies on each other. 🙀

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 01:37 PM

8. My question is: has your friend always been this way? Some people

are. If this is new from her, I would take her aside and tell her that you're concerned that she seems to be more impressed by her fiance's money than by him as a person. Tell her that you hope that there is more to their relationship than dollar signs.

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Response to Raven (Reply #8)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 02:05 PM

11. This.

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Response to Raven (Reply #8)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 02:15 PM

12. Actually, she has.

Whereas before, although I never had a positive reaction to it, I was able to put into perspective considering the other great things about our friendship. Our regular daily check-ins, however, via phone messages or calls abruptly stopped when she started seeing her new guy. At first I thought she probably needed some space to absorb her new reality, so I stopped messaging her when she didn’t reply. Now that a few months have gone and this appears to be our “new normal” her bragging about money has become more of an issue for me.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Reply #12)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 03:24 PM

13. You strike me as a very patient person and a good friend. I would, as gently as possible, try to

change the subject when $ comes up and, if that doesn't work, tell her that it's tacky and change the subject. Good luck!

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Response to Raven (Reply #13)

Tue Mar 15, 2022, 04:04 PM

14. Tacky -

ouch! (Although the thought has occurred to me )

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Original post)

Wed Mar 16, 2022, 12:52 AM

15. is she a gold digger?

that is what she sounds like

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Response to Skittles (Reply #15)

Wed Mar 16, 2022, 01:08 AM

16. I don't want to think so.

Actually, it feels more like female competition. While it might make her feel better about herself, I am just not impressed by money.
Mais, chacun son goût.

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Response to Mme. Defarge (Reply #16)

Wed Mar 16, 2022, 02:38 AM

17. honestly, I would confront her

ask her why she feels you would be interested in knowing the financial status of her partner

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