Two stories that will either give you a chuckle or ruin your day.
Story #1. THANK YOU UNCLE LEONARDO.
I think I've posted that I had a stoke this past April, and had a bad fall about a week after that. The stroke affected my vision and balance. So I'm trying to rehab myself slowly. I walk about 4,000 steps every morning at 700AM sharp, then another 4,000 steps in the evening. I walk in the cemetery that my parents are buried in because it has a lot of hills. After my morning walk, I go to McDonald's drive-through for an Egg McMuffin.
Unfortunately, in addition to the above mentioned physical problem, I recently seem to have developed some kind of GI problem, with symptoms similar to IBS, but I have not seen a doctor about that yet.
On my walk this morning, I was walking up a steep hill and got a telltale stomach cramp. "Oh Fuck, maybe it will go away". So I kept walking. It didn't go away. I kept walking. I shit myself. But just a little tiny bit. But shitting yourself a little tiny bit is like being a little tiny bit pregnant. I said "fuck it" and kept walking until my pedometer showed 4,000 steps. I got back into my car and drove home, pissed off that I would have to go home and take a shower before then going back out to get my Egg McMuffin.
As I was driving home on a busy street with a 30 mph speed limit, I was going about 35 mph. Some guy was on my ass, maybe one car length away. I figured he had to be somewhere, so I sped up to about 40-42 mph. Now he's REALLY up my ass. I swear, he was less than an inch from my rear bumper. Now I'm getting nervous, because I'm coming up to my street where I have to slow down quite a bit because the right-had turn onto my street is very sharp. I put my turn signal on early, and slowed down. He kept about an inch away from my bumper. I was sure he was going to hit me. My street is under repair, so there is gravel on the road. I took the right turn a little too fast, slid on the gravel, and grazed a curb. The fucker behind me laid on his horn after I turned as he drove on.
HONKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!
Here's where Uncle Leo comes in.
Former Marine Military Police. Forearms like Popeye. Handsome. Unbelievably charming. Ladies man. Flirted aggressively in a way that wasn't perverted, and the ladies loved him. He died of cancer some time ago.
My cousins had told me two stories about Leo. Back in the day, some guy had a brick or a rock in his car, and he threw at at Leo's car randomly, for no reason at all. Leo chased him, and when they got to a red light, he pulled the guy right out of his car window and beat the shit out of him.
Another time, some guy was revving his motorcycle loudly for about 20 minutes at 500AM near Leo's home. Leo went outside in his underwear, pulled the guy off the bike, and beat him up.
When Leo was dying of cancer, I was helping him get his house straightened around, and helped him get his affairs in order. During that time, I asked him "are those two stories about you true"? He said "Oh yeah". But then, he got very stern and gave me a lecture. "That was then. Times were different. Today, people will either shoot you, stab you, or sue you into the poor house if you do something like that now. Today, you have to ignore that stuff and just let them be assholes, unless you want to get killed, or get your life ruined".
So after shitting myself, delaying my Egg McMuffin, and very nearly getting rear -ended, deep inside, my first inclination was to follow this guy and slam his fucking face into his car hood a few dozen times. But Uncle Leo's words immediately came to mind, and I just continued on home.
So, thank you, Uncle Leo.
Story #2. THE MARTINI.
I've probably told this one before.
I was about 10 years old. At another Uncle's home. He was having an outdoor party. His friends and my entire extended family was there. Some guy was sitting in a folding chair, drunk off his ass.
The guy motions to me and say "C'Mere kid".
He was slurring his words badly. The guy sat me down on his lap. He smelled like the inside of a whiskey barrel.
He put his mouth close to my ear and said "I'm going to give you the best advice you're ever going to get" (I'm gonna gif youuu the best advish yur eva gonna gettttt).
I said "Ok".
He said: "Someday, you're going to be travelling on an airplane. There will be some man sitting next to you. He will bet you $20,000 that he can pull a 50 gallon martini out of his right ear, and drink it in 10 seconds. Whatever you do, don't take that bet".
I said "why not"?
He said: "BECAUSE HE'LL DO IT".
So, thank you, drunk guy.
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