Today's makeup lesson: How to not look insane

[jmowreader]

Every batshit-insane woman you have ever seen has one thing in common: thick black eyeliner all the way around both eyes. Think about it: Michele Bachmann, Pamela Geller, Sarah Palin, Ozzy Osbourne...all of them sport this look.

If you WANT to look like two guys in white coats are always standing five feet from you with a butterfly net at port-arms, then go for it: get a jet-black eyeliner pencil from the dollar store, sharpen it just enough that you can see the product, and line with wild abandon.

We, however, are not batshit-insane. This is how to line your eyes so they look good but you don't look nuts.

Products needed:
Some eyeliner

A sharpener, if you got one of the wooden-pencil varieties
A brush, if you got cream, gel or liquid liner
An index card, if you got a twist-up pencil

The rest of the makeup you wear

How to choose a color: Never ever wear black eyeliner. Charcoal gray is as dark as you want to go. Violet, brown and green are always attractive.

Before you put anything on, look very close at your eyes. You will notice your lashes stop before they get to the corners of your eyes. This is as far as you want to go.

The process:
Start by applying everything you wear except your mascara, liner (obviously) and lipstick.

Next, sharpen your pencil to a very fine point (with the sharpener or by stroking the tip against the index card) or put liner on your brush and work it to a very fine point, and put a very fine line of liner across your upper and lower lids, being sure to keep the line within the bounds of your lashes and not connecting it at either corner. On your bottom lid you can also stop in the middle of your pupils; this is a popular and non-crazy-appearing look.

Resharpen your pencil and make the line a bit heavier from the inside side of your irises (left side on right eye, right side on left eye) to the outside corners, on both top and bottom lids. If you went halfway on the bottom, don't do this. Remember, don't connect the top and bottom lines.

Resharpen it again and make the lines a bit heavier from the outside side of your irises (right side on right eye, left side on left) to the outside corners. Do this on top and bottom no matter how far across you went on the bottom.

Finally, add mascara and lipstick and you're done.

For a bit more drama, use a lighter shade for the first line and a darker one for the next two.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

1. Made me think of a time

when I was 'kidnapped' at a make-up counter in Bloomingdale's! I have rather large brown eyes and he insisted he would make them
"POP" I let myself be persuaded to sit in a chair for half an hour while he worked away....My god...I think he must have imagined he was Picasso and my eyes were a canvas. Three shades of shadow...eyeliner everywhere...it was awful...I couldn't wait to get into the ladies room and get rid of it...There was no way I walking around like that!

[siligut]

2. Wow, this is some intense instruction

Poorly applied cosmetics can certainly make one appear less than capable.

I think you must work in the industry.

[femmocrat]

3. Uh.... Ozzy Osbourne is a man.

[jmowreader]

10. No kidding

But ya gotta admit, that boy ain't right.

[tabbycat31]

4. small correction

Sarah Palin does not wear thick black eyeliner all around. I've dressed up as her a few times for costume parties and I've done extensive Google image searches of her to get the makeup look right.

And depending on your coloring, black eyeliner can be a good thing.

[BainsBane]

5. If you're young and/or olive or dark skinned you can get away with black eyeliner

but it's amazing how many make up artists use it on women of all ages, including fair skinned women. I've never used it myself because I'm so fair. I don't use gray either. I prefer brown and plum.

[tabbycat31]

7. I'm fair skinned and I use black eyeliner

I have very cool skin tones and browns in anything do not flatter me.

My typical eyemakeup is black eyeliner on the bottom and silver/purple (MAC Idol Eyes) eyeshadow. I don't wear mascara because I have yet to find one I don't react to.

[BainsBane]

8. Have you tried Tarte?

It's supposed to be made without artificial stuff.

[struggle4progress]

6. hey. i tried

[cliffordu]

12. Well...

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. I worked at a call center in PA and we took over Victoria Jackson makeup kits from a call center...

.
.
.
... that had ROYALLY screwed up their orders -- it was a nightmare for awhile.
.
The people who worked the phones (all women and one man who wore makeup as a musician) got a
free kit and training on how to use them as part of their familiarization with the product. When they
came out of that training, in which they had made themselves and each other up... they looked like
borderline serial killer clowns -- almost all of them had gone crazy with that much makeup.
.
No-no-no-no, you look fine.
.
They DID learn how to use them properly, but that first time was SCARY!!!!
.
.
.
I was one of the supervisors on that project -- and many of the customers were so FUCKING ANGRY
about how they had been screwed over that we had one or two operators per day going home in tears.
It was horrible.
.
.
.

[Quantess]

11. Never say never. Black eyeliner works well on a lot of women.

Even blond women can get away with it, up to age 25 or so.

[pipi_k]

13. At one time

I could get away with black eyeliner.

Not now. At 60, I still have mostly gray free hair (less than 20% gray). Light skin and blue/green/gray eyes. And fewer facial wrinkles than other women my age.

Still, though...I've had to change my eyeliner color to a medium brown. I use a shadow with a fine pointed brush. If I line the bottom, it's with a lighter brown.

Brown/black mascara on top lashes, sometimes on bottom as well, and sometimes not.

[LiberalEsto]

14. I use eye shadow as eye liner

Most cosmetics, including mascara, irritate the heck out of my skin, but for some reason regular Maybelline eye shadow has never bothered me.

A couple of years ago I bought a small make up brush with flat, very thin slanted bristles. I use the brush with black eye shadow powder and draw a thin line on my upper and lower lids, right next to the lashes. Sometimes I brush a reddish-brown eye shadow lightly on my eyebrows.

The line is not as harsh as eye liner. It brings out my eyes, which are gray-green with light brown lashes. I was a natural ash blond up until my 20s. My natural hair color now is a medium ashy brown with a few strands of gray, but I use henna a few times a year to get a warmer brown shade.