Part I
Part II
Bill Boronlover had high dreams to rule the planet. He had taken over most of Europe and Asia, and was proceeding to conquer Africa and South America. Soon, all of humanity would bow to Baron Boronlover!
Below the Baron’s throneroom, Lydia sat in her cell. Every day since her capture last year, she had been forced to make macaroni art. It was numbing her mind.
Today, as she was working on a macaroni version of The Scream, a robed-figure appeared outside her cell.
“Your brother is coming!” he said.
Lydia jumped up from her desk. “Stan?! He’s coming here?”
“Yes. Just as the prophecy says.”
“What prophecy?”
“You know, the prophecy.
And lo, in those days, when the sailor Lydia is captured, her brother Stan will rescue her. But no fucking guns!”
“Yeah, okay, I guess I don’t know that prophecy. When will he get here?”
Just then, Stan appeared next to the robed Rabrrrrrr.
“Stan!” Lydia yelled.
“Lydia!” Stan reciprocated. “How did I get here?”
“Easy there, David Byrne,” Rabrrrrrr replied. “I did a little space-folding. That was my major at Arrakis University.”
“You’re weird,” Lydia said. “But I like that. Can you get me out?”
Stan saw a set of keys on a wall. He grabbed them, and starting inserting into the lock of Lydia’s cell. On the fifth key, she was free.
“Okay folding boy, get us out of here,” Stan suggested.
But Rabrrrrrr had fallen asleep, and couldn’t be wakened. Because space-folding wears a body out. And Rabrrrrrr didn't exercise much, or take vitamins.
Just then, the Baron appeared, with several of his henchmen.
“Well, if it isn’t Stan, the Proficient Army Soldier!” the Baron exclaimed.
Stan grimaced. He hated that title. But it was the only one left, after the great Copyright Wars of the 2040s.
“Yes, and I shall proficiently dispatch with you and your villainy!”
“Bring it!” the Baron said.
As Stan inched forward, Lydia reached into her pocket. She still had a handful of corkscrew pasta. What if she threw it at the Baron? Perhaps that would distract him enough to help Stan.
She took the handful of pasta and threw, like a pasta-throwing boss.
The individual corkscrews separated, and flew towards the Baron and his henchmen. Each corkscrew struck an eye, driving straight through, and hitting brain.
Bill Boronlover, and the ten followers with him, all fell to the ground, dead.
Stan turned around, staring at his sister in disbelief. “Sweet Mother of Pasta!” he whispered.
Just then Rabrrrrrr woke up, and suggested leaving. And so they left, leaving the Baron’s empire is disarray.
Stan and Lydia retired from the armed forces, heroes to the whole world. (At least to the nonevil citizens, anyway.)
And Rabrrrrrr went and fulfilled his dream of working in the textile industry.
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