Recently a DU'er posted, asking why on earth some women get involved with abusive men. I can tell

[raccoon]

you why, at no charge.

"We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."

A counselor told me that once, and it is so true.

[In_The_Wind]

1. After watching my dad and (both) stepmothers duke it out ...

I never once got involved with anyone who hit me. [img][/img]

[Sweet Freedom]

2. People often don't realize

that if you grow up in an abusive environment, you don't know what normal looks like. I grew up around alcoholic men, so I thought that behavior was normal. I never saw a healthy relationship.

Abusers and the abused usually have unresolved issues -- low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, etc. -- and need someone to love. But, if you fall in love with an abusive person, they will turn on you because they hate themselves and believe they are unlovable.

And abuse comes in many forms -- physical, verbal, mental, emotional -- and often is unrecognizable at the start of a relationship. Abusers often come on as very charming and protective and the abuse starts later. By that time, you're probably living together and don't even realize you've been slowly isolated from your family and society and the only other person in your world is your abuser who reminds you often that they will kill you if you leave. And society reminds us everyday that if your lover wants to harm you, no one is going to stop them. It's just a domestic issue.

So, "just leaving" an abusive situation isn't something that's easy to do. Abusers watch you like a hawk so that you don't leave. (I'm being gender-neutral on purpose -- men can be abused, too.)

It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave an abuser and we should be teaching younger generations what to watch for, so that they don't find themselves in an unhealthy relationship.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

4. It's that isolation that is so very dangerous!

It's so sad that too many family members don't recognize that danger signal until it is too late, or almost too late, to intervene in an effective manner.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

3. I'm not sure anyone sets out to find an abusive relationship...

so they 'get' involved all unknowing. Many stay because it is comfortable... better the devil you know than the one you don't.

Years ago I read a study that said in the U.S. almost 85% of marriages reported at least one incident of physical abuse, in varying degrees of violence. The reaction of the one who was being abused determined whether the pattern would continue in an ever escalating manner.

[dixiegrrrrl]

5. Exactly.

Wonderful book called Co-Dependent No More outlines it and how to change the pattern.

[pipi_k]

7. Great book...

Melody Beattie has some excellent books on Co-dependency and ACoA issues.

[pipi_k]

6. Comfortable with the familiar...

yes. That is true.

I quite often fell for the bullshit line that it was my fault, and so I thought that if only I could change. If only I could do better...

In my case, it was mostly emotional/verbal abuse, although there were a couple who got physical, but once that happened it was The End.

No man ever got physical with me more than once.


Oh, and one thing I wanted to add...in my experience, it always seemed like the guys waited until there was a deeper emotional connection (i.e. a sexual relationship) going before the abuse started up. Almost like they instinctively knew that once a woman feels that emotional connection, it makes it that much harder for her to leave him.

Also, one of my biggest problems was in romanticizing the past. Wishing things could be as great as they were in the beginning, and fooling myself into believing that they could be that great again, so I stuck around waiting...waiting. A few times, just when I had had enough, the guy did a 180 and went back to being his old sweet self again. They suck you in...then when they know they have you, they turn the other way once again.

It's a head game too many women fall for because they want to believe that THIS TIME things will be different.

I was able to break free from that game by going over, in my mind, every dirty rotten mean and nasty thing an abuser has ever done or said to me. Every time the "great" past started to intrude, I would refocus on what an asshole he could be. Didn't take a real long time to get over him...much to his surprise and dismay.

[Blue_In_AK]

8. Make-up sex...

Speaking from sad experience.