What do people with no talent do at variety shows?

[idiotgardener]

I am invited to a party this weekend at which each guest is supposed to entertain the others for a few minutes, and it turns out I don't do anything entertaining.

At first I thought I could read a passage from something funny and have other guests act out the action (sort of improv for them) but I can't find a good passage.

All ideas would be appreciated!

[Neoma]

1. Mime.

[ZombieHorde]

2. You could google some magic/card tricks and practice them in front of a mirror. nt

[The Straight Story]

3. Easy:

Bring your computer and show them the Help and Meta Discussion section of DU and ask them what they think about some threads.

Hours later they will still be talking about it all and flaming each other

[graywarrior]

8. Hahahahaha LOL!

[RZM]

4. Can you tell a story? Got any funny ones?

Do you play any instruments? Know any jokes? Can you do any impressions?

There's gotta be something that would work, it's probably just not immediately occurring to you. Maybe there's a number of things you could do for a short period of time (one joke, one song, one impression, etc.). Just string it all together and you'll have a couple minutes.

[idiotgardener]

5. I guess a better way to say it is that none of my talents are things that entertain others...

I do have a few funny stories but these same hosts held a "tell a funny story" party already so I have already used them!

[RZM]

6. The I would suggest a reading of funny material written by somebody else

Maybe a long joke or two that you find online.

[Mopar151]

7. You Tube is your friend

You could recite a sonnet from Saint George (Carlin) - a classic like The Hair Poem or 7 Words You Can't Say on Television. Chris Rock might work for your friends - but be sure to substitute "Nitwit" for the "N" word if you channel Chris.

And then there's Buddy Hackett - check this out!

[Chan790]

9. If you have no actual talents...

devise a fake talent. To wit, this was clearly done with a recording but the performer worked out the timing perfectly and made it amusing and provocative. You don't have to do anything this raunchy but you can certainly skit out something this funny.

Warning: Some people may find this distasteful or risque. No nudity. Implied perversity.

[idiotgardener]

10. I have been thinking along those lines...

showcasing something that is not a talent or poking fun at my lack of entertaining talents... but the right thing has not occurred to me yet. Thanks!

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

14. That was great

She should add to the act by using other instruments/songs. A trombone could be funny.

[cate94]

26. OMG

That made me laugh so hard I had an asthma attack.

It was worth it.

[idiotgardener]

11. Thanks to all!

There are some good ideas here and I have new directions to research. Hopefully one of these leads will take me to the right thing.

I appreciate the input.

[murielm99]

12. Lip sync.

Find a song and lip sync some comical routine to it. Find a funny shirt and hat, or simple costume to go with the song you are lip synching.

Good luck.

[mythology]

13. I've always gone with heckling those who do have talents

Of course I rarely get invited to a second event, so that might not be the best approach.

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

15. You could try performing an exorcism on someone at the party

Try to get them involved before the party so that they play along. You could even bring props like split-pea soup.

Of course, if someone there is in real need of an exorcist, all the better! (That way you can pass the blame for the split pea soup stains to them)

[EFerrari]

16. The way to go is with something YOU find entertaining

something you like to do, that interests you or that makes you laugh. If you had to watch you for ten minutes, what would you do to entertain you?

Now, that could be fun.

[laconicsax]

17. You could do performance art.

Act out DNA replication, the water cycle (Krebs if you're feeling daring), the coronation of Queen Elizabeth, etc.

[Brother Buzz]

18. Can you blow a horn really poorly?

and if you choose to, you can try the queen approach and really spice it up

[HopeHoops]

19. Pull an Andy Kaufmann. Put on the theme from Mighty Mouse and just stand there.

Don't forget to mouth-along with "Here I am to save the day!"

[Doc Holliday]

20. Perhaps

a William Shatner-ish "dramatic reading" might be in order.

Someone upthread suggested an Andy Kaufman thing.

Or perhaps you could emcee the thing?

[ohiosmith]

21. Striptease.

[LiberalEsto]

22. Bring a radio

and play it

[IcyPeas]

23. how about a demonstration of something...

in drama class in high school we had to do that. one girl made grilled cheese sandwich with an iron (I always remember that). I demonstrated how to put clown make-up on (just find a picture of a clown and copy the makeup). everybody loved it.

[Wait Wut]

24. Tell them your only talent is...

...critiquing talent. Bring a notebook, some reading glasses and look pissed off and bored. Throw in an occasional yawn to give it the full effect.

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. This...I crack up every time I watch it.

[arbusto_baboso]

27. Review others' performances, much like Simon Cowell.

I mean, c'mon, HIS talent is supposedly picking out talent? How?

His claim to fame is "discovering" the frickin' Spice Girls: a band in which all the memebrs sang, and did nothing else, yet needed BACK-UP SINGERS. Sad. Truly.

[trof]

28. Give a 'dramatic reading' of the lyrics of some rock song.

Do it absolutely deadpan and SERIOUS.
Somebody did this (Gore Vidal?) on one of the old late night talk shows (Jack Paar?) and it was hilarious.

I believe he did "The Witch Doctor"
Print it and read it.
Reading glasses perched on your nose will add to the effect.
Or you could wear 'Groucho glasses' with the nose and mustache.
Really emote.
Pause dramatically after each line and each comma.
If you can pull off an uppah clahss British accent, so much the better.
WORK IT!

DAVID SEVILLE
"Witch Doctor"

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me too
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He said that ....

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he game me this advice
He said to ...

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

Now, you've been keeping love from me
Just like you were a miser
And I'll admit I wasn't very smart
So I went out and found myself
A guy that's so much wiser
And he taught me the way to win your heart

My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you
Oh, Baby ....

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang

[jmowreader]

29. Try this...

Sit there for five minutes alternating shots of bourbon and demands for the army to invade sovereign nations for no good reason, and call it your impression of George W. Bush's presidency.