Why "passed" or "passed on" or "lost"?

[GoneOffShore]

What's the matter with DEAD?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Nothing is the matter with the word "dead".

I find it hard to say.

It's so final.

[Xipe Totec]

2. One of my cousins died today

One of the REDS; one of the red headed Mexicans.

I wish I had some Irish whiskey, instead of this Scotch.

Oh, well....

[TexasTowelie]

3. So sad to hear the terrible news about your cousin.

My condolences.

[Xipe Totec]

5. Thanks

[Art_from_Ark]

4. "Dead" sounds so cold and harsh and final

As in "He's DEAD, Jim".

Really, the Star Trek writers should have given Dr. McCoy a little more uplifting stock phrase, like "He's joined the choir invisible, Jim", or "He's passed into the next dimension, Jim", or "He's pining for the fjords, Jim".

[TexasTowelie]

6. How about, "He's on his final away mission?"

[bluesbassman]

12. Yeah but "he's an EX CREWMAN" sounds like he just got transferred to the USS Farragut...

[csziggy]

47. Or "Its metabolic processes are a matter of interest only to historians!"

In a 1997 Saturday Night Live performance of the sketch, Cleese added a line to the rant: "Its metabolic processes are a matter of interest only to historians!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Parrot_sketch#Variations_of_the_sketch

[LeftyMom]

7. Sometimes it helps to be gentle with people who are still not used to the idea.

Unfortunately most of the euphemisms have religious connotations, and it's a bit difficult to gently navigate the subject without implying all sorts of nonsense, which probably isn't helpful in the long run.

Hopefully as a culture we'll develop better language for the situation.

[Locut0s]

14. +1 nt

[Manifestor_of_Light]

8. It's not quite as painful as saying "dead".

At least when someone you were very close to dies and it breaks your heart just to think of them and your loss of their presence in your life.

In my case it was my big sister who was my best friend in the whole world. Brain cancer, age 42. Destroyed me, destroyed my parents too, for several years. The parents lived another ten years, were still emotional wrecks. It was really weird becoming an only child in my thirties.

The year after that, it was the kid who lived down the street that we unofficially adopted as our little brother, from AIDS. He was 31.

After both of their deaths, I became extremely ill OVERNIGHT, with full blown bronchitis, from the emotional shock. Had to go to the doctor the next day, with sinus drainage and barfage resulting therefrom.

My 2 cents' worth.

[progressoid]

9. I never liked "passed"

Depends on how it is said. I either think it's trying too hard to be sensitive.

Or sometimes it just reminds me of driving on the highway. "He passed".

[orleans]

10. "asleep" was popular on headstones

years ago.
"asleep in jesus"

i think that is freaking weird. asleep IN jesus? yuck!

passed on (crossed over--through the veil) implies we have not lost someone permanently and that we will be with them again someday.

sometimes i use the "passed" word (passed, passed on, passed away) when i talk about my mom. sometimes i use "died" because that's the more common phrase and the fastest way to get the idea across in the middle of a conversation (imo)

[ailsagirl]

11. I grew up using the phrase "passed away"

I like it

Dead is such an ugly, scary word IMO

[KT2000]

13. as with most word choices

context is everything.
For example, you see an elderly woman you know whose husband has died. It may be kinder to use a word other than dead when commenting upon her loss.

[seaglass]

15. My mom died in July. I have never used a euphemism for that horrible fact. It is still hard

to say it - I feel I need to steel myself whenever I do. Which is how it should be.

[mulsh]

16. Years of having to inform family and friends of assorted deaths I've found

the best way for me to so is to say "So & so has died". Beating around the bush with euphemisms just delays the inevitable onslaught of grief. When I talk about the deceased I usually use the term "dead".

On a personal level the sooner I grieve the sooner I am able to move on.

[840high]

46. Exactly - when Mom died

Dad called and said "Mom died". No frills just the fact.

[edhopper]

17. Have you lost someone close?

I find it much harder to say ****** is dead, rather than they passed. The first brings up more feelings of grief.
Saying to someone, "is so and so dead" can be painful, so if you have any empathy, you might want to use the euphemism that you make light of.

[HappyMe]

18. My mother died when I was in 8th grade,

my dad died 10 years later.

I have no problem with 'died' or 'dead'.

[edhopper]

20. Good for you

and you just don't give a shit if it bothers someone else who has lost someone?
Nice.

[HappyMe]

21. I didn't say that, now did I?

Way to assume stuff.

Anytime somebody posts that they have 'lost' somebody here, I always say that I'm sorry for their loss.

[edhopper]

25. You asked

what's the matter with 'dead'.
I answered that it can elicit painful emotions more than the other adjectives.
I don't see what you don't understand. And if you understand that, why ask.

[HappyMe]

26. I didn't ask any such thing.

I stated that I had no problem with it. That's all.

Here -

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=4292360

[edhopper]

27. You asked

"what's the matter with "Dead"?

That is a question to the forum, not a statement of your feeling.

If that was your intent, you did not word it that way.

[HappyMe]

29. What?

Here is my first post about this.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1018&pid=549538

I did not put up the OP.

[edhopper]

31. My mistake

answered without looking, i thought i was replying to the OP.

You were just speaking for yourself, no problem there.

[HappyMe]

32. No problem.

[LisaLynne]

19. That seems a little harsh.

I've lost many, many people VERY close to me, and sometimes people are shocked when I say that they are dead instead of using an euphemism. It doesn't bother me to say my dad is dead. He is. It doesn't mean that I didn't or don't still grieve for him or that I wasn't an emotional wreck at the time. Other people are sometimes a little shocked to hear me say it so when I'm talking to someone else about anyone dying, I usually use something like "passed" because I do realize others need more emotional distance in their language. Everyone is different and handles grief in different ways.

As far as the OP, most euphemisms are weird if you really think about them very much.

[edhopper]

22. Don't think it's harsh

If you find it fine to say dead about your loved ones, no problem.
But to not take into consideration that it is painful to others is just being uncaring.

[LisaLynne]

28. I think you are assigning motives to others due to the painful nature of the subject. nt

[edhopper]

30. Why would someone ask

"what's the matter with "dead"?" if they understood that saying it can be painful to people who are grieving?
What is the point of the question?
It is a unempathetic question.

[LisaLynne]

35. I find it to be more of a question about euphemisms and language, personally.

And I think people answered it: because it's a painful subject and "dead" is really blunt. It's going to hurt some people, so we use other words.

[HappyMe]

23. Thank you.

[GoneOffShore]

36. You say you find it harder - but, I find it equally difficult to use the weasel words.

Unless I'm using them in a "Dead Parrot" sort of way.

It's not a question of empathy.

[edhopper]

43. Are you saying harder to say

or hear? That's where empathy comes in.

[redwitch]

24. People who are grieving use what offers them consolation.

If dead works for someone they use that, if not they use another term to express the loss. Grief is so personal. I would never take exception to someone else's take on expressing their loss. Whatever gets you through reasonably intact works for me.

[Aristus]

33. I never cared for euphemisms for 'dead'.

Some are downright nausea-inducing:

Gone to be with Jesus.
Gone to be with the angels.
Gone to his/her rest.



And my absolutely least favorite of all:

"GONE FISHIN'!"



Yeah, we get it: you liked fishing. But you're DEAD! You ain't goin' nowhere!

I'm leaving explicit instructions for my family in the case of my death; if they choose to publish an obituary, please state that I died. And none of the above euphemisms.

[HappyMe]

39. I may leave instructions to say:

"HappyMe has croaked. We didn't believe her when she said she didn't feel so good. Damn."

[Aristus]

41. I love it! Then you can put on your tombstone:

[HappyMe]

42. Yay!

That's great!

[antiquie]

34. Confusing in my circle.

She's dead (deadhead).
Otherwise, born into eternity...

[GoneOffShore]

37. Best thoughts on this

[PasadenaTrudy]

38. "dead" sounds cold and clinical to me

It's an ugly sounding word. Sorry, English major here...I love metaphors and euphemisms.

[Iggo]

40. I prefer "has died", but to each...

[intaglio]

44. There are alternatives

I am terribly sorry but your child has decided to don the red shirt

Your daughter had Horatio Caine fall in love with her

Your son has will be played by Sean Bean

Your father, an honest cop, announced this was his last day at work before retiring as a policeman and showing everyone a photo of his sweetheart

She left to explore the haunted house on her own

Your Papa saved money by fixing the brakes on your Mama's car

[CTyankee]

45. In some instances, using "lost" really nails it.

I lost a beloved family member a couple of years ago and I truly mean the word "lost." The fact that she died was one thing. The fact that we lost her has a meaning beyond the simple fact of her death. She was part of our lives and we no longer have her loving presence in our lives. I was one of several speakers at her service and all I could think of to say was the great memories of what we shared, some funny, and yet that seemed to make it worse. I concluded with the only piece of poetry I thought was fitting: "Sail on, silver girl, sail on by...oh, if you need a friend I'm sailing right behind," since it was from a time we shared together, having our babies, happy times...it took a very LONG time to "recover" from the shattered feeling of loss...