What makes you decide to make a big life change?

[closeupready]

During the course of life, most of us will be faced with dilemmas which require a decision, and sometimes, those decisions are big and radical, requiring uprooting and a complete change of everything comfortable in your life. I'd done this basically only twice.

The first time was essentially a rite of passage - I still had a back-up plan, if things went wrong.

The second time was a real, 100% break with EVERYTHING. Gave up my home, job, circle of friends, for an entirely new region of the country, without any contacts there, no waiting job, and the proverbial $10 bill in my pocket (well, it was more like $500 or something, in 1996).

Interested in similar stories from people here.

[Sanity Claws]

1. Profound deep unhappiness caused me to make profound changes

Change is not easy. Some of us accept change only if we see no other choice.
You know the old saying, Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

[closeupready]

2. Thanks for that.

Really speaks to my friend's situation.

[sendero]

26. This..

.... is how it happened for me. Nothing like being in the shit to realize that you are doing something wrong. For me, it turned out great, took a year or two.

[Inkfreak]

28. Jeez, I was gonna type this as I read. But you summed up my experience. (nt)

[mackerel]

41. Divorce brought me my changes...never saw it coming.

[raccoon]

3. So, how did things turn out after the second time? nt

[closeupready]

4. Spectacularly, initially - economy was gangbusters in the 90's.

For about 10 years, I found a series of exciting jobs working with brilliant, successful people, making more with each new gig - I haven't exactly made a fortune, but I've done better than I would have done had I stayed behind, in that rut. AND, I've worked with, honestly, some amazing people, I've had the best opportunities, made some relationships with important people. Careerwise, it was probably the smartest move for me. My references are stellar.

When the recession hit, however, I didn't lose my job, but my standard of living contracted really hard - for complicated reasons I won't go into. I also suffered through the severance of some very significant relationships. The friends I had made here either retired, moved away, or simply drifted into other social circles.

The biggest challenge for me at this stage is that I'm pushing 50, and I want to try something different before too many doors close on me, and before I get tied down with new relationships.

[NJCher]

5. great idea for a thread

I will be very interested in reading what others say.

In my case, the first change I want to talk about is a geographic move. I was living in the midwest, where I was born, in the midst of "conservative" types. They were driving me nuts with their backwards policies. I used to hate seeing outdoor boards that were anti-choice, for example. I was a born radical and in those days, Berkeley was the place to be. I asked my dad to send me to school there, but being somewhat of a conservative, he declined.

While I worked in several radical (at the time, now mainstream) political groups in the midwest, I still couldn't stand the slow pace. I also believed in myself and didn't want to waste my career in some backwater small city.

I decided to seek a job where I could work in the "big time" of my field. That meant NYC. Oddly enough, I applied for three jobs with major Fortune 100 firms, received three offers, and enjoyed a terrific career in media. They even moved me, found me a place to live, and paid for everything.

As a result, I largely got away from republicans and took up residence in a very liberal town. I soon began seeing how important it is to live in an area where one shares at least broad political views with one's fellow residents. I continued to work for liberal causes, only now I felt I was really among my peers.

I've never regretted this move, not ever.

I did have a rough adjustment in terms of finding new friends, learning my way around, etc. I learned a good lesson, though, and that is that familiar things are very important--things like knowing your way around the grocery store. Where the public library is. I have valued them ever since my move.

I might come back and post about some other big life changes later. One or two are about psychological changes, and still another might be a lifestyle change.



Cher

[closeupready]

7. Thanks, that's very interesting to me.

I also don't have regrets about leaving the midwest, lol.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. Boredom and frustration, mostly.

I've changed careers, gone back to school several times. Maybe I just have a short attention span.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

8. Long story, but I completely changed my life's direction

I was in my 20s and drinking myself to death. I was a factory worker in Ohio, and I was going to work drunk or hung over a minimum of 3 times a week. The story of how I managed to crawl out of the bottle is a eureka moment I will keep to myself. Suffice it to say I DID sober up.

About 6 months later, in mid-summer, the factory had a major layoff, and I found myself without a job or a direction. Me and a buddy had gone on a vacation to Florida the year before to watch one of the first shuttle launches, and I knew if I were to ever move it would be to Orlando. When the layoff hit I decided it was time. I sold all my worldly belongings (included my beloved vinyl music collection) at a local weekend flea market. I pocketed a little over five hundred bucks, jumped on my Kawasaki 440, and rode the poor little underpowered beast to Orlando.

I snagged a job as a groundskeeper at a Winter Park apartment complex. When I got my first paycheck I literally had forty two cents left in my pocket. A few months later I switched to the landscaping company that cut the grass there, and thus begun a landscaping career that lasted about 16 years, first there and then in Nashville (again traveling on my 440).

I only quit after my knee failed and I had to have it replaced. Otherwise I'd still be out there working. Instead I went to school for a while then started my own computer repair business which I ran for 8 years. At the end my client list was over 400 names long. When I got sick and had to move home I kept my Texas phone number, and to this day I still have former clients call me for advice. And many of those clients became personal friends who are still there for me.

Since December 1981 I haven't had so much as a sip of beer.

[closeupready]

9. I'm glad to hear that you turned your life around.

[hobbit709]

10. Until I was 24 I never lived in any one place more than 3 years.

I was 9 when I came to the US from Austria and Germany. Then lived in several places in Virginia and Ohio until I went into the Air Force in 1970. When I got out I ended up in Austin in Jan of 1974 and have been here ever since.

[closeupready]

11. So since 1974, you've never felt a desire to uproot yourself?

Or start over somewhere new?

[hobbit709]

12. Not really after moving that many times as a kid.

Now I've lived in about 8 different places here in Austin but now I've been in the same house for 24 years.
I've had more than enough upheavals in my first 25 years or so that I don't need any more.

[Skittles]

16. your story echoes mine

USAF brat (constantly moving), USAF vet, ended up in Austin in 1976 but left in 1993 for job opportunity

[tinymontgomery]

13. Big changes

Lots of small ones that lead to some big ones.

Married young and partying my ass off mid 70's. Marriage collapsed (due to being young and partying), 1st big change. Moved to LA and after a summer of working in a dead end job I enlisted in the Navy for 3 years to learn navigation, 2nd change. Navy turned into a career and I ended up earning a Commission and serving 23 years, marrying a wonderful woman and still together after 29 years.
2003 is last big change and it was due to G W Bush, retired from Navy and started second career.

[NightWatcher]

14. I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't had to go to Plan B, C, D, WW...

You learn what you're made of when you have to start again with only your wits.

I wouldn't be where I am now without putting out a lot of fires and rebuilding a lot of disasters. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Great to read of others here who were tough enough to change. Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills."

To also quote Drivin N Cryin, I'm definitely "scarred but smarter".

[closeupready]

15. This is an interesting thought - can you elaborate?

I mean, I agree that failure is an essential part of growing, but are you willing to share a bit of your own experiences?

[NightWatcher]

17. Plan A: go to school, get good job.

So I graduated with a degree and one of my professors had an in with a government agency. Years passed and I was doing well until after 9/11 when we were prepping for war. I can't give details but it was obvious that we were going to war so that we could play with all of our new toys and so that we could sell others. I quit nearly a year ahead of time, before anyone else was sure that we were going but after the plans had been made. I left town and started professionally all over again. I was not ready and willing to work for the war machine that was going to feed bodies in exchange for treasure.

Plan B: Found work for another company doing intel in the private industry and got married just like everyone said you are supposed to do. After a few years of being treated as pet by my wife at the time, realized that life was to short to be miserable. Got divorced, moved and started again.

Plan C: Opened my own company doing intel related work and lived to make myself happy for once in my life. Business dwindled, and I adapted again.

Plan D: Married, different town, entirely new industry. Had a child, enjoyed work, and was trucking along nicely. Got sick, hospitalized, disabled.

Plan E: Stay at home Dad, part time writer, and family man... And now I'm the most happy I've ever been. I cannot even see where I started, nor do I recognize the guy from my Plan A.

It's still a weird journey but had I not struck out and lost so many times before, I would not be who I am and where I am now. I made changes when I refused to live miserably on someone else's terms. I will not feed the War Machine, I will not be your pet, but I will do anything for my family.

[closeupready]

19. I respect you for your integrity. Way to go.

People also have laughed at me that I won't just take any job, but then again, as a child, teachers praised me as conscientious, so perhaps my idealism is something I was born with? Who knows.

[CTyankee]

18. A kick in the pants. Every time.

they can be really strong or sometimes gentler but that is what really makes people change...

[no_hypocrisy]

20. With the realization that nearly everything or something significant in your life makes it

unbearable for one more day. It can't continue in its present incantation.

Change. Any change. Or meaningful change. I go by the saying of the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result.

[PasadenaTrudy]

21. I wish I could make a big change

I would like the experience of living in a different state or even city at some point. I'm 50 and have lived in Pasadena and South Pasadena, CA my entire life. I've lived in the same home since 1976. I'd like to live in Santa Fe, NM for a yr. I can't work,(fibromyalgia, CFS, depression) but get enough rental income from my property to survive on. Thing is I live with my boyfriend who can't just quit his job and move, and I have an aging ill dog. So, I feel kind of trapped. I've felt trapped my whole life. When I was in my teens and 20s, I had to look out for my older sister who was a heroin addict. My dad got lung cancer when I was 23 and I stayed home and cared for him until his death. After his death, I took over care of my schizophrenic mother and our rental property bldg. Mom passed away in 2010 as did my sister. So, my whole life feels like it's been taken up caring for people. I hope someday I can see what it's like to be on my own in a different environment. I'm not holding my breath

Adding here that it would be cool with my bf if I got away for a yr. It would be hard on him though. Also, I'm not sure I want to move my dog into a new situation. She's 10 and has congestive heart failure. I think once she passes on, it will free me up more.

[closeupready]

33. You'll do it - if not, there will be good reasons why not.

I do believe in that adage, "everything happens for a reason." Peace to you.

[DFW]

22. A tall beautiful woman told me "come live with me on the banks of the Rhein River"

What I supposed to say? No?

So I did as she suggested.

[mnhtnbb]

23. Belief in the hope that things could be better.

My husband and I have acted on that belief three times in the 29 years we've been married.

The first time was 1988 and we had a two year old child. We were living in Santa Monica--
second marriage for us both (no kids prior marriages) and decided we didn't want to raise
kids in Los Angeles. I had been in L.A. since 1969 when coming to UCLA as an undergraduate
(and continuing as a grad student until '75), then working in hospital administration. My husband
had been in L.A. since 1964 when coming to UCLA for Med School--gone for 2 years in USAF to Sacramento
when he was Berry planned during Vietnam--and returned to finish his residency in psychiatry
and stayed on to practice in L.A. area. So we both had a lot of roots in L.A. and many, many friends.

In 1988 he was offered a position with a hospital system in St. Joseph, MO to direct the building
of a new psych facility. Small town, 80+ thousand people, an hour outside Kansas City. What a
time warp! Yes, there were some progressives in town, but not many! Things turned sour within
a year, and the hospital system withdrew from its plan to build the psych facility and terminated
his contract. We had bought and renovated a big house; he had built his own small office building
in an office park. By then we also had another son. We decided to stick it out--with him in 100%
private practice for the first time in his
professional career (he had always had some portion of his clinical work either at a teaching hospital, the VA,
or public clinic). That went fine until about 4 years later the hospital system that had hired him (largest employer
in town) cut him off from their preferred provider list--meaning no hospital employee could see him for treatment
and have their insurance cover the visits--because he had gotten together with some of the other docs in town
to try to create an HMO independent of the system. Hospital employees constituted about 2/3 of his practice.
We were screwed. Really screwed. So, determined to move, we decided to take a look at some other options.
We went to New Zealand and checked that out. We considered Chapel Hill. We ended up moving to Lincoln, NE in 1994
where he was hired by the VA and able to support making a move and gradually reduce his VA time and build a private
practice.

For me, it was frying pan into the fire time. I hated Lincoln. Yes, it was bigger (about 250,000), but populated
by some really right wing Catholics who basically run the town. When we arrived, Mike Johanns was just about to
be re-elected Mayor. He went on to be Governor, Bushie boy's Sec'y of Agriculture, and now senior Senator from Nebraska.
Not many people know Johanns started his political career as a Democrat and became a Republican before running for Mayor.
His shift matches the swing to the right of the State of Nebraska.

Eventually, hubby retired from the VA in Lincoln and became full time private practice. In 2000, after the private, non-Catholic
hospital (where hubby had his office in a medical building next door) acquired the county hospital, the medical staff made it
a requirement that in order to have an office in the next door medical office building, you had to agree to take call at the
newly acquired county hospital. Well, that was too much for hubby. He was then almost 60 and not willing to take 24 hour call to cover a public ER on a weekend for psych cases. So, we made plans to construct a small stand alone office on the property
of our residence. The city gave us a permit, we hired a contractor, and knocked down a playhouse that had been built by the
previous owners to make room for his one person office (no employees). Total uproar! The next door neighbors (old family) got together with the neighbors on the other side(old family), and the neighbors next to them, and hired the attorney neighbor--also old family (ironically enough, his wife was from New Zealand) on the other side of the long driveway access that ran behind our lots, to file a law suit to prevent us from doing what the city had told us we could do. Long story short, they prevailed (frontier justice) in spite of having no legal basis to stop us. I had convinced my husband that if we lost, we would move to Chapel Hill (which is where I wanted to come when we moved to Lincoln), so within a week after the court decision came down we had the house listed. We made a fast look see trip to Chapel Hill, and I returned a month later for a house buying trip, and by the end of the summer we had moved. When we drove out of Nebraska I flipped the You're leaving Nebraska sign the bird and swore I would never return.

It just goes to show you that you can make what you think is an informed decision about change and turn out to be very, very wrong. And then you can make another informed decision and be very, very happy with the result.

I have LOVED Chapel Hill and said so many times on DU. However, with the takeover of the NC State government by Republicans
in 2012/2104 elections, I am very worried that even the liberal oasis of Chapel Hill is going to be negatively affected by their policies. We're already seeing it in the number of vacant teaching positions in the Chapel Hill/Carrboro City School District. When we moved here in 2000, the CHCCS District had been named as one of the top 10 public school systems in the country! Now, they are struggling, along with all the other school districts, to fill teaching jobs because of the lousy support for public schools from the Republicans. There is no doubt in my mind they are out to destroy public schools in North Carolina. Don't even get me started on all the other stuff they've done. (See Moral Monday actions for a complete list of what we're fighting.)

So, even when you DO finally find a place that feels like home, the dynamics can change to the point that you wonder just where
you can go--and whether it's worth it--to move again, especially at age 72 and 63.

[closeupready]

24. I enjoyed reading this - thanks for sharing.

I'm glad you found the right fit in Chapel Hill.

[riderinthestorm]

25. I've tried really hard to stay sanguine about change.

This means its hard to say I've "decided" to do these things or whether I simply accepted that this was the way it was meant to be. So some of my biggest life changes haven't necessarily been a conscious decision (having children, getting heavily involved at my local women's shelter/food pantry when one of my employees was savagely beaten etc)

I did consciously move to Sydney Australia after I graduated from college to be with a guy I'd had a fling with during a Europe backpacking trip. Loved it there. Thought I'd stay forever when he proposed. I came home to pack up in order to move to Australia permanently when I met my husband. We were both struck by lightening - we were so certain that each was "the one" that I moved in that night! Still together 28 years later....

But I've still got an adventurous spirit stuck on a midwest family farm. So I've tried to scratch that itch by going on adventures. Its still not enough. I think my next big life change is coming up soon. My youngest daughter (and most troublesome) is heading off to college this fall. When she graduates and has the ability to make her own way, I've decided to "semi-retire".

I'm an Irish citizen which means I have an EU passport and can work over there. I also went back to school and got an ESL degree. I'm hoping to grab some stints teaching English wherever it looks interesting - Spain, France etc. Currently I have a lot of stuff and animals which my husband is happy to keep tending as he'll never leave the farm. So living very simply, teaching, focusing on sightseeing and soaking up the new environments will be a big purposeful change for me.

[closeupready]

34. I hope you go to Ireland - I studied in Europe years ago, and my only regret

my only regret is that my time there came to an end. I would have seriously loved to have stayed longer - though I do recall as my return date approached being eager to come back to the US, since - as I kept reminding myself, not falsely - I am an American. And, not coincidentally, poor, lol.

[ashling]

27. Tom Joad in Grapes of Wrath:

"Takes no nerve to do something, ain't nothin' else you can do."

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. I spent many years preparing to be an academic

and for a while, it looked as if I was moving up the ladder. I first had an adjunct job, then a year-by-year appointment at another school, and then finally, a tenure-track job.

But I was not happy at that college. My colleagues were nice enough, and I enjoyed some terrific opportunities, like being sent for five weeks in China, but the students were very Middle American, and few had any real intellectual interests. Besides, the town was really small, "a great place to raise kids," but a horrible place to be single.

I fell into a depression that stopped deepening only when a colleague who had had the same sort of issues urged me to go to the doctor. I went on anti-depressants and began seeing a therapist every week. The meds stopped the slide and helped me to focus and sleep, but it was in conversations with the therapist that I came to realize that I was bored out of my mind and felt out of place in that small town.

I was denied tenure, possibly because the depression had affected my work, possibly for other reasons.

That decision was what I needed to make a break. I had already decided that I would look for another job if I did get tenure, but this forced the issue.

I moved to Portland and became a free-lance editor and translator. It was a scary move, but coincidentally, I encountered a lot of unknowing encouragement in the months before I left, people who were already free-lancing and doing well.

I stayed in Portland for ten years and absolutely loved it, but suddenly, it seemed as if the Universe was telling me to leave. Everyone I was close to either moved away or died. Every organization and group I was involved with seemed to turn sour in some way. Even the gym I was going to shut down! I decided to leave, but I didn't want to move where I didn't know anyone.

Where did I know the most people? Tokyo and Minneapolis. I seriously looked into moving to Japan, but I found out that I was unlikely to get a residence visa without either a job offer (unlikely at my age) or a Japanese husband (even more unlikely). So Minneapolis it was, and besides, my mother and stepfather were getting old and frail. So in 2003, I packed up and moved to my hometown of Minneapolis.

It took a long time to feel at home. But I still get strong yearnings for Portland at times and may move back, now that both my mother and stepfather are gone.

So here I am. I've been self-employed for twenty-one years, hard as that is to believe.

[closeupready]

35. Thanks for your story. I've thought about it several times now

since you posted it, since in some ways I feel we are living similar lives.

[RebelOne]

30. In 1989, I was living in Miami and decided to move

here to the Atlanta area after breaking off a 12-year relationship and at the same time, I was also laid off my job at a Miami magazine. My sisters were living up here in Georgia and had been bugging me to move. So I packed up everything and hit the road. Luckily, my ex-husband had a semi rig and he moved everything for me. I was also lucky enough to have six months severance pay which tided me over until I found a job.

I had convinced my son and his wife to move from Mississippi to Georgia. We rented a house together which worked out well. Then they bought a house and I bought a mobile home where I still live.

I had numerous jobs but finally found one I loved in 1997. I was a copy editor for 30 national outdoors magazines. Then advertising fell off during the recession and I was laid off in 2010. I had been thinking about retiring anyway. The company was quite generous with severance pay as I was given $10,000.

I am doing quite well, and I think moving to Georgia has been the best thing I have ever done in my life.

[closeupready]

36. I had a friend, now deceased, who implored me

in his own way (i.e., not begging, but trying to persuade me) not to move away, that I wouldn't like it here, that who did I think I was, etc.

To the contrary, I loved it, it was terrific for me (and to me), and I may look back - at the end of my life - thinking that coming here was the best big thing I ever did, best thing I could have done.

Nevertheless, nothing lasts forever, and when circumstances start to seem like they are conspiring to bring you down, you need to be responsible and ... respond. And that might mean making yet another move or change.

I'm glad you're doing well in Georgia.

[RebelOne]

42. Thanks, I love it here and feel as if I had always lived in Georgia. n/t

[hermetic]

31. Funny you should ask

At 65 I have just traveled 2,500 miles this past week, from N Ontario to S Idaho to start a whole new life. It's a very long story but it's all actually going quite well. The hardest part has been this new tablet I'm slowly learning how to use. So I'm not yet able to type much.

Just hanging out in a motel right now, thought I'd see what was going on. Hi to my old friends. I'll tell all once I have a place to set up my regular computer, which is h

[hermetic]

32. See what happens?

I hate this Acer piece of crap. I'll be back when I can.

[closeupready]

37. It might be a long story, but I would absolutely love to hear

about it, when you get time and the inclination.

[magical thyme]

38. Desperation

I was targeted by a registered sex offender and his gang of thugs for 24x7 harassment because I wasn't interested in any sort of relationship. The harassment escalated for 3 years, during which time the condominium manager (whom I've come to believe was from his family) what little physical evidence of his harassment there was.

It was hard to get the police involved. The town where I lived had ~15 years earlier been named by Fortune magazine as the safest small city in the US and was now named as one of the 3 most dangerous small cities in the US due to an influx of ethnic gangs. And in Massachusetts, at the time, sex offenders were a protected species.

When I finally was able to get them involved they told me they had a file on him an inch thick and a mile long. That was all they were able to tell me about him. But they said I needed to get out of town because they couldn't protect me.

So I sold my condo and moved to Maine. I lost my career and much of my life savings. I've been hanging by a thread ever since.

[closeupready]

40. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you'll discover a way to

make another change, and make a better life for yourself again? I hope so.

[Xipe Totec]

39. The realization that my life was not over

And that I still had a few years left in me.

Might as well enjoy the ride instead of burying myself alive and waiting for death.