I could use a laugh. Jokes?

[trof]

Did you know that all 'dirty' jokes originate in Valdosta Georgia?
This is according to H. Allen Smith, American humorist.
Look him up.

[pscot]

1. When I was about 14

the Compleat Practical Joker was my favorite reading. Got me in trouble, too.

[many a good man]

2. I don't get it.

And I don't have the energy to google it.

[Brigid]

3. What do you call a meeting of the five men on the Supreme Court?

A conclave.

[NightWatcher]

4. I know (and will not post) the most horrible joke in the world

If you have a somewhat warped sense of humor, you will laugh, but it is foul. Not sexist, racist, but a tad violent.

Respond and I'll PM it too you.

[trof]

11. I'm game, I guess.

[rug]

5. Sperm count.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

[BootinUp]

6. Sarah Palin

''The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language.'' —Conan O'Brien

''And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?'' —Jay Leno

''Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch.'' —Jay Leno

''Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes SHE should tell us what to do.'' —David Letterman

''Experts say — this is interesting — that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent.'' —Bill Maher

[BootinUp]

7. ''Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter

if she had bigger hands.'' —Jimmy Kimmel, on Sarah Palin's hand notes

[Throd]

8. Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

[antiquie]

15. Thanks.

I have grandkids...

[gratuitous]

9. A grasshopper goes into a bar

The bartender goes over and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

[Earth_First]

10. Discussionist. nt

[trof]

12. Thanks all.

[NightWatcher]

13. a guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[antiquie]

16. ew

[NightWatcher]

14. After a night of drinking...

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered,

“This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad,” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.

You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

Never,” replies Brian.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, “Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed.”

[antiquie]

17. ew ew

[steve2470]

18. Florida !

Ok, I tried.