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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsThe person at the next cubicle at work really wants to be friends...outside of work.
I frankly find her very grating.
She calls me "Girly."
She has invited me to karaoke three times and today she wants to start art classes at Michael's
I would rather catch the fucking plague.
I make it a point to not really see people outside of work in the first place.
Work and the rest of my life is two separate realms.
Is there anyway to politely get someone to back off without hurting their feelings?
Heddi
(18,312 posts)Watched her cat twice and then she jilted me when it was her turn to watch mine. So fuck her. But she thinks I'm her BFF only because I'm the only person at work that can remotely stand her, and that's only because I'm nice.
She was on the phone with me for THREE HOURS...three DRUNKEN HOURS on Halloween night. She's obviously mentally ill.
She's invited me singularly, as well as me along with my husband to a variety of things.
"Hmm, I'll have to see what I'm doing that night.'
"oh gosh, is that the 17th? I'm pretty sure Mr. Heddi has a thing"
"That sounds really fun. I"ll let you know" (then never do)
"Yeah, we're not really into interpretive dance, but thanks for thinking of us"
"Oh wow, I wish I could go, but that's the only night that we really have off this week."
Make up shit that your'e doing. As far as she knows, we fly power kites, may or may not have a boat, are taking multiple classes for multiple things, have family in town EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND, feel ill, have other things to do, some anniversary or another, going out of town, not feeling well, have to work late, He has to work late, have to be up early, not into going out to eat, vegetarian, not vegetarian.....
Because she's really unstable, mentally (not being nasty, she really is emotionally fragile and unpredictable and a liar and manipulator), it's really hard for me to be upfront and say "hey, Jane, I'm really not up for hanging out" because she'd probably put cyanide in my tea. But you could say that "Hey, I really appreciate you always thinking of me, but I have a lot of things going on right now and I'm kind of tapped out, emotionally and time-wise."
I wish I could say that, but I don't want my desk to be "mysteriously" set on fire
alphafemale
(18,497 posts)Just not a match for my personality type.
Heddi
(18,312 posts)repeatedly if you have to. There are people who can't take "no" for an answer. "Thanks, I'm not really a 'craft with yarn' type person" "thanks, I'm really not into exercise."
Hey, I told that goofy girl that something she wanted to do was against my religion just to get her off my back
Paulie
(8,462 posts)Though the relatives every weekend is pretty horrid too.
Heddi
(18,312 posts)"Wait...your sister is coming to town? I thought you were an only child..."
OH! well I call her my sister but she's, um, an old family friend. That is like my sister. But isn't.
"So your mother in law is in town again? wasn't she just here?"
No, this time it's my step mother-in-law-in-law. She's my husband's sister's husband's stepmom. We're a really close family....
Skittles
(153,150 posts)I mean, seriously
tell her you do not fish off the company pier
alphafemale
(18,497 posts)That is not like a personal rejection exactly.
easychoice
(1,043 posts)I told them I don't fraternize with employees after work,or on weekends.
I was the boss so a scandal was a death sentence for my career.
pipi_k
(21,020 posts)the best thing.
Just be upfront but kind and tell her that you never mix work relationships with your private life.
Lots of people don't. I never did.
WinkyDink
(51,311 posts)alphafemale
(18,497 posts)She is just so overwhelming
orleans
(34,049 posts)you might be surprised & have a good time
make her a deal--she stops calling you girly & you'll go sing "lovin, touchin, squeezing" or some other journey song with her.
alphafemale
(18,497 posts)No damn way.
orleans
(34,049 posts)"no thanks, i'm just not the kind of person who hangs out with people from work."
done and done.
NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)I'm a helper and you're welcome.
alphafemale
(18,497 posts)Tobin S.
(10,418 posts)A guy at work invited all the truck drivers there to a cookout/party at his place the first summer I worked there. That sounded like fun to me. I loaded up a cooler with a twelve pack and roped my wife into coming along and being my sober driver. I do not drink and drive. If my wife had not have gone, I would have stayed home.
I like to drink beer and I like to have fun. There were about 15 drivers there, I'd say, several of them with their wives, and a dispatcher with his wife. So I'm pouring down the beers, eating pork sandwiches, and socializing. I drank 9 beers while I was there and you know what? I wasn't the only one who was keeping track of what I was drinking. I am a big guy and I can hold that kind of alcohol without getting stupid and showing my ass. I also do not drink anything if I have to go into work the next day. Indeed, if I imbibe it's usually just on Saturday night, and this party was on Saturday. Nobody had to be back to work until Monday.
I came into work on Monday morning and this dispatcher walks in and gets right up on me and starts sniffing me. I didn't put two and two together at the time. No matter what the reason was that's still very odd behavior and this guy's a jackass to begin with so I didn't think much of it. Later that week, I had some minor thing on my truck break and had to go to the company weld shop to get it fixed. So these guys are working there and gossiping and they tell me they heard some stuff about me. These guys don't work with truckers most of the time and they weren't at the party. They said they heard I drink like a fish.
So, I'm pretty sure the whole damned company had this idea of me being a raging alcoholic. I'm surprised they didn't drug test me. I'm pretty sure the dispatcher wanted to. You'd think being a bunch of rough-ass working Joes nobody would have given two shits.
Anyway, joke's on them. I would go on for the next 2.5 years working over 50 hours a week on average and taking three classes a semester at school to finish my degree. I'll be out of there soon. You don't do that sort of thing if you spend your spare time drinking.
orleans
(34,049 posts)sharp_stick
(14,400 posts)and are not interested in mingling them.
As long as she doesn't see you out singing Karaoke with everyone but her it probably wont be a big problem.
TeamPooka
(24,221 posts)This approach has always worked for me.
NJCher
(35,658 posts)I like it so much, I'll use it if need be.
What I like about it is that it's both permanent yet doesn't get personal. In this case, it's about the speaker and won't wound the pride of the person asking.
Cher
TeamPooka
(24,221 posts)bigwillq
(72,790 posts)Simple. Direct. And Honest.
It's not so hard. Just do it.
Xipe Totec
(43,890 posts)But that you want to be friends and have a good working relationship.
Be honest. As honest as you can be.
Tell her directly that you care for her and don't want to hurt her feelings.
Miles Archer
(18,837 posts)The answer to your question ("Is there anyway to politely get someone to back off without hurting their feelings?" is "not really."
I "politely" backed off from social invitation after social invitation after social invitation and eventually became known as the guy who was "too good to hang out with us."
Now, in the early days of my work career, the people I worked with were a lot like me...basically music-loving hippies...and I DID hang out with them.
But by the time I moved up the ladder a little and started wearing a tie to work, I felt exactly like you..."Work and the rest of my life is two separate realms."
Stand firm on that, politely. There's a 50-50 chance that you may get a little blowback from that, but so what? As long as you are doing your job and are not causing any problems, you will simply be known as the person who is doing their job but really doesn;t want to hang out after work.