My wife is leaving me. She hates the condo we bought. She tried to live without a pet. She feels

[diabeticman]

the condo is not a home. We lost our cats to death and she thought she wouldn't want anymore but she is getting depressed and even though we OWN the condo this association refuses to allow pets.


I don't know how to fix it.

[UncleYoder]

1. Sure you do.

You just don't want to.

[diabeticman]

2. What? I can't sell this place because I will lose money. We won't beable to buy another house.

[UncleYoder]

20. Selling your condo

is not your answer. You know the answer, now do it.

[diabeticman]

21. I don't follow.

[orleans]

49. sounds like you're being kinda weird. what's up with that? n/t

[sweetapogee]

23. none of my business of course

But would she not force you to sell for a settlement? That's what happens most of the time.

Hope this is not the case though and you can salvage the relationship.

[diabeticman]

42. she said no. She doesn't want me to lose the place I fell in love with.

[BainsBane]

56. That's not a reason for a divorce

You need to find out what is really going on with her.

[Tripper11]

3. sorry about your situation diabeticman

Not sure what to advise, but here's a few thoughts for what it's worth.

Longshot - rent your condo out, and live where cats are allowed?

What's the penalty if your caught with a cat?
is there any way you can sneak one in and hope that the board will be none the wiser?
Is there a possibility that you can appeal to the board, perhaps privately and ask them for an exception?

[riderinthestorm]

4. Rent your condo. Take the equity you have in it and go buy elsewhere

When youve recouped enough value in the condo, sell it.

Did you both agree to be without animals before you bought the condo? Seems like she didn't know how hard it would be to be alone.

Or...

My daughters lease stipulates no pets but she just ignored that. Adopted a senior cat that had been declawed and that the shelter said was not talkative.

She's now lived there with the cat for 2 years without anyone being the wiser.

There's always ways. If you love your wife, you'll find a way.

[diabeticman]

7. She saw how much I loved the place. She thought she could live without but I work nights she isn't

sleeping well and she is just becoming depressed and angry.

[KMOD]

5. Is there a local animal shelter near you?

Have her volunteer at one. She can play with all the cats she wants.

[femmocrat]

8. That is a great idea.

Lots of kitties need to be socialized.

[mackerel]

38. SNAP!!!!!!!!

[femmocrat]

6. Does it have to be a cat?

There are other pets such as guinea pigs, hamsters, etc. I loved my little hamsters. They recognized me and would sit up waiting to be hand-fed. They were darling. Our guinea pig would stand up and whistle when he saw us. He loved to be handled. Too darn cute!

I think the rescue organizations even have bunnies and ferrets from time to time. How about birds? They are high maintenance but very intelligent.

If it has to be a cat, smuggle one in and keep it away from the windows. My son has a cat that I have never seen because it hides when anyone comes to the door!

Try to find a solution you can both live with. Good luck.

[Rob H.]

9. Has she thought of volunteering at a shelter?

That way she could get her kitty fix (even though she wouldn't be able to have one at home) and she could help them find loving homes. I got my cat from a no-kill shelter and they were always appreciative of volunteers, whether they could be there all day or just an hour or two at a time.

Would the association be willing to make an exception for a service/therapy cat? Your wife would probably have to go to a mental health provider to get documentation to prove to the association that the cat is necessary to help with her depression, but it would be worth at least checking into it, imo.

I see where she's coming from on the cat issue; I lived in my last apartment for five years without a cat after a lifetime of having and being around them. I finally adopted one because I missed having a kitty of my own and it was the best decision I made that entire year. I hope you and she are able to figure something out that will help her feel better.

Edits: duplicate words

[diabeticman]

10. For her it won't work. I work nights and having a cat gives her comfort. it sounds strange but

she hears sounds at night trying to sleep and she can't sleep. when we did have cats they lay on the bed or play at night and it relax her into a sleep.

[HappyMe]

11. I think you should talk to her.

I'm wondering if there aren't other things bothering her besides that cat and the condo.

[diabeticman]

13. I can tell you. We couldn't have kids the cats gave her an outlet for whatever she needed.

[HappyMe]

15. Okay.

I think that she then needs to find another outlet to meet that need.

I guess I can't understand the concept of dumping my husband because of a cat or a place that I did not like.

Do you think she will actually leave, or is she bluffing to see if you will sell the condo and get her a cat?

[diabeticman]

16. No, shedoesn't want me selling it. She knows this place all I want. She feels she is being selfish

(at least that what she says) She doesn't want me to be unhappy but she feels incomplete without a cat. She says this is her fault and she doesn't want me unhappy but she is tired of putting her needs aside for everyone else.

[HappyMe]

18. As somebody else here suggested,

I think some counseling might do her some good. It might help her with the sleep issues and the depression.

[Curmudgeoness]

32. She doesn't want you unhappy.

Have you told her that without her, you will be more unhappy than if you lost everything else in your life????

[Hell Hath No Fury]

33. I can completely relate to your wife --

I have had cats all my life, slept with at least 1 or 2 in my bed since I was 7. Around 8 months ago circumstances required my two cats live at another location for at least a year. I thought I was going to be fine, I didn't give it a second thought.

Let me tell you, I could not believe how desperately lonely I felt without a cat around. I had sleep issues and developed a mini depression without my companions. The loneliness became most acute at night, when it was dark and quiet.

The simple truth is my cats are family to me. To give up ones family is a lot to ask -- I discovered that, for me, it really isn't an option.

If what is going on with your wife really IS all about the inability to have a cat, I truly hope that you can come to some sort of solution that lets her have her "family" with her.

Best of luck.

[Rob H.]

26. Dang

If she has issues with anxiety and/or depression, do you think she'd be willing to mention them to her doctor so she could get a cat as a therapy animal, as mrmpa mentioned below? That sounds like a really good idea to me.

[diabeticman]

40. she just got insurance from her employer and we haven't had a chance to find a doctor for her.

[cwydro]

35. i have a white noisemaker

and I recommend it highly.

Good luck, my man.

[RobinA]

12. Counseling

Sounds like some issues here. Somewhere. Your wife is leaving a marriage because she can't have a cat?!? Please get some help with this, it shouldn't be all on you. Or her.

[hollysmom]

14. I am looking for senior housing that alolows dogs,

it has become apparent to me I can't keep up my house, just too much keeps breaking, but I love my furball. Sadly it is a great house in lots of ways (walking distance to everything, senior bus at corner to get to malls, best street to get plowed and have power restored because close to police department/firedepartment/emergency squad), but I hate hiring handymen because they never perform as promised.

[mrmpa]

17. I have a thought

Can your wife speak to her Doctor and be given the reasons she needs a therapy pet. If so and he writes the order for one (there are specifics) and you present it to the Condo Board, the Board under the FHA cannot disallow you from having that pet.

I am in a Condo that does not allow pets, however they turn a blind eye to those who have cats, and one resident has a small dog per his doctors orders.

Particularly with you working the late shift, she would seem to need the "company".

[irisblue]

19. ^^great idea^^

[Tobin S.]

22. Good thinking!

[Tripper11]

24. Brilliant idea mrmpa!!

this could do wonders!

[Rob H.]

25. "... the Board under the FHA cannot disallow you from having that pet."

That's great to know! This would be an excellent route to take, imo.

[In_The_Wind]

45. Great suggestion. I hope that works.

[dawg]

27. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that.

I hope you find a solution that works for both of you.

[Iggo]

28. Your wife's leaving you because she can't have a cat?

[Tobin S.]

29. That's the way it sounds. I thought that was a bit odd, too. nt

[sweetapogee]

46. I know

but I can't help but think that if my partner wanted to leave over a cat I would find some way to get one. In fact I would stop today at the local shelter and just bring home a kitty regardless of the HOA rules on the matter.

[Iggo]

47. Actually, I'd go the other way.

Today it's a cat. Tomorrow it's something else.

I'd probably just call it a day.

(Yes, I'm single...lol.)

EDIT: I'm speaking strictly for myself here. I'm in no way advising the OP to end his/her marriage over this.

[NJCher]

50. LOL!

I'm with you!



Eff 'em if they can't take a cat.

But seriously, I think the doctor/FHA solution upthread is the way to go.


Cher

[oldandhappy]

30. Check your state laws

In California it is a state law that in a condo you can have a pet up to 20 pounds.

Otherwise, lots of good suggestions here. Sending hope.

[Kaleva]

31. IMHO, the lack of a cat is a symptom of deeper problems

I'd suggest therapy.

Hope the best for the both of you!

[diabeticman]

41. We could not have kids. I am going to risk further scandal here but I personally am not comfortable

with kids. My wife and I use to babysits friends kids and stuff but they do get on my nerves. When we did have cats she had a way to channel that desire to mother something. She misses it. The other night she snapped at me "You got everything you wanted and I had to give up the only thing that made me whole."


So figure that one out.

[Marrah_G]

44. DM, you need to find her help

From everything you have said over the last couple years, I really suggest you find someplace for her to get counseling. If there is no insurance then look for a community place that will see her on a sliding scale.

The cat is just a symptom of some bigger issues.

[WinkyDink]

52. Sounds like the two of you needed to "figure that one out" waaay long ago.

[roody]

77. I am so happy that I never had kids! eom

[Texasgal]

34. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like the issue isn't so much the cat but perhaps some sort of depression or anxiety. I'd have her make an appointment with a doctor as soon as she can.

I am a HUGE animal lover and understand how much love and joy a pet can bring! I hope you are both able to work through this and find some relief.

[Skittles]

36. I cannot imagine living anywhere that did not allow pets

no indeed

[HipChick]

37. How will the association know?

Our association does not allow pets...but I see plenty of cats in windows...

[mackerel]

39. Therapy is a great start and if your wife won't go then I recommend you do.

[mopinko]

43. pets were an issue in my divorce.

i replaced a parrot that i had lost with a little fellow who found me.
i wasnt going to get another, as others in the house never liked any of the birds i kept, but especially her.
my husband thought i was replacing him in my heart w a parrot.

we (ok, i) also have several dogs, including 2 little terriers that he always hated.

but this was all superficial, and the real problems were insurmountable.

you have to decide if it is really just about the cats. for me, it was not just an issue, but an indicator. he pissed on my joy at having a new friend. again. like he always did, whatever small joy that was.

[Packerowner740]

48. You are splitting over a condo and a pet?

Sounds like you have bigger problems.

[WinkyDink]

51. So, you're saying your wife is choosing some pet she doesn't yet have, over you?

[bravenak]

53. Does she like kids?

Foster children need temporary homes and love. Otherwise, get her doc to give her a prescription for a cat like people said above. (I see you don't like kids much, but if you want your wife you better not be selfish. She seems to need to give love out to someone, in a motherly way. I would not deny her that and think she'll stay. I'd kick rocks if I were deprived of kids or pets.)

[diabeticman]

58. She loves kids she always wanted them. I will get her to a doctor. or do we need to see a

psychologist?

[bravenak]

62. I had to see both.

[LeftyMom]

54. Is this some kind of performance art?

Everybody needs a hobby, I guess.

[SammyWinstonJack]

80. I love it when the accused isn't allowed their side of the story.

[Art_from_Ark]

55. I don't see how they can keep you from having cats

in a residence that you yourself own.

[LiberalAndProud]

57. You post a lot about your wife.

I think you'll miss her if you don't go with her. Or get her a cat.

[diabeticman]

59. Yes, I do. I am not good expressing myself and sometimes I am not good when she gets emotional.

I need to get her listen to me about seeing someone. I will find a way to make her happy. I sometimes need help. I probably depend on this board a lot. some people may think this "performance art" but I trust people here for help.

[KMOD]

60. I get so emotional baby

Hey diabeticman, do you like music?

I do.

Here's on of my favorites.

Come, let's sss troll
Sss troll across the floor
Come, let's sss tro-oh-oh-oll
Sss troll across the floor]

[youtube]http://

[/youtube]

[NV Whino]

61. Ha!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

63. i'd go crazy without a cat so i understand it, especially if you dont have kids

pets can be super important to feel like a whole person.

why not sell the condo and move somewhere else together? or rent the condo?

[blackcrow]

64. kids

I think the main issue here is the lack of kids. Why no adoption if not possible biologically, did you say no to that? If so the chickens are coming home to roost.

[PasadenaTrudy]

65. If he's not into kids

he shouldn't be a father. Kids aren't for everyone (thank god).

[redwitch]

66. Sounds like you should have discussed having children before you got married.

I love my cats but they are not quite the same as children. Your wife wants kids. Feeling the need for someone to nurture she was willing to settle for a cat. Now she can't even have that. If children/a cat are what would make her happy and the condo is what makes you happy...

[diabeticman]

67. I wouldn't have minded a kid but as we have gone on in our married life I am more comfortable

the way it is. I am uncomfortable with the idea of adopting. My father felt uncomfortsble about my brothers and me. We never had a kid natural.. My grandmother would say it is not meant to be. Now accept it. that was how I was raised.

[NYC_SKP]

68. Will ADA support your having an emotional support animal?

In California, it's possible to apply for an exception to no-pet rules in residential complexes by having an Emotional Support Animal.

Look into it, maybe it will work.

http://www.nsarco.com/emotional-support-animal.html

[diabeticman]

69. Thanks I will look into it. But I have a feeling these neighbors will fight it.

[KMOD]

70. Look, you have been given a plenitude of advice.

And you don't seem to want to take any of it.

Have your wife see a doctor - can't

Sell you home - can't

sneak a cat in anyway - ignored

WTF? Why ask advise if you won't take any of it. Every suggestion to you is met with an excuse.

Look, I'm not trying to pick on you. I care. I care about everybody. But your reluctance to suggestions and helpful advice is mind-boggling.

[ProdigalJunkMail]

71. have you never felt defeated before?

it is very easy to get into a mindset where nothing will work when you've been hammered on. doesn't mean it's true that nothing will work, but it sure feels that way.

give the guy a break...

sP

[KMOD]

72. Let's just say, my life has handed me many lemons

so I made margaritas.

Yes, I have seen, lived and survived many difficult situations in my life. Because of that, some things stand out to me like a sore thumb. So no, I won't. It's not funny to me.

[ProdigalJunkMail]

74. it's not funny at all...

beating on someone when they're down... diabeticman needs lifting not to be talked down to. maybe you're thinking 'tough love' kind of response? if you KNOW someone well enough then tough love is fine... but on a discussion board? no... not really helpful.

sP

[demmiblue]

75. Some people get their jollies by...

putting others down.

The lack of empathy in our culture is problematic (though it usually involves conservative/republican types).

I hope the OP puts this poster on ignore for this post, as well for their post up thread that basically calls him a troll (in an oh so cutesy sort of way )

Life is too short to deal with people who want to bring you down.

[diabeticman]

81. I am NOT ignoring or not taking it.

ONE--The Doctor-- My wife's health insurance has not kicked in yet and she hasn't found a doctor here yet. BELIEVE ME I would have taken that route as soon as I read it. BUT get my wife to find a doctor she trust. Last doctor she went to ignored the signs that a Hernia she didn't know she had was about to explode or whatever they do. The doctor said lose weight. When the operation was done my wife had dropped a dress size from the hernia being removed.

TWO--Sell-- We would lose too much money to be able to buy another house. My wife and I where VERY lucky to get this place.


Three-- Sneak a cat in-- AND IF WE SNEAK a cat in and our found out What then? We could be sued by the condo association or lose our home! NICE idea!

I DID GET MY WIFE TO SPEAK TO A COUNSELOR YESTERDAY!!!! He won't even talk about pet therapy until he sees her at least 5 times at $100.00 a visit!


I am doing the best I can! IT MUST BE NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE SUCH EASY ANSWERS!!! TRY BEING THE ASSHOLE WHO IS TRYING TO ACT ON THEM AND KEEPING MY WIFE'S FEARS AND WORRIES IN MIND!!!

MY wife will not sneak a cat in because IF we are caught with one and force to give it up again I am worry what will happen to already depressed state!

[mackerel]

82. My Father was a psychologist, he specialized in marriage and family counseling, he worked for

Catholic Charities on a sliding scale. Is there possibly something like that in your area? Are there support groups in your area or maybe a marriage help program like retrouvaille?

[diabeticman]

83. We just moved to the area. ( I just moved back) I will look into it. Right now we did get my wife

to speak to a counselor on Saturday.

[KMOD]

84. you don't have to be the

ASSHOLE, as you put it.

But if this is even true, it's not about a cat, and you need to understand that.

PS. Stop speaking for your wife so much, let her speak for herself.

Peace and Love xoxo

[roody]

76. So so sorry. Can she volunteer to pet cats all day

at your local shelter? A great benefit of volunteering is that you don't have the ridiculous costs of pet owning. I own three.

[crim son]

78. I left my husband after eighteen years of endless strife, directed especially at the kids.

In the end it was hard to explain why I was leaving, there was so much. So much! Nobody leaves their beloved because of a condo that doesn't allow pets. How long have you been married? Why did you choose a condo that doesn't allow her pets? Is her love of pets new, or have you always understood how she values them? Is it possible she is telling you not to give up the condo because she believes you value it more than you value your marriage? This could be a test and if it is, you're about to fail.

[ohheckyeah]

79. It sounds like

she is missing having a number of serious needs met. She doesn't have what feels like a real home and she doesn't have her pets. These are needs for her happiness. Many people don't feel that what amounts to an apartment is a home. You don't have to buy a house to feel at home, many people just need a house to feel at home.

[SMC22307]

85. Work from within to change the rules.

What about one of you running for a board seat? I bet you could get owners on board for indoor cats, no? Might take a while, but it's worth a shot.

Others upthread offered good advice, but that just came to mind.