The more I learn the more I realize I don't know shit.
I've been studying Jungian and transpersonal psychology for the past five months. I've also done a little reading on Eastern philosophy. I've read 20 books in that time. I also entered into psychotherapy with a Jungian therapist in early November and have gone every other week since then. I know my dominant archetype. I record my dreams and analyze them.
And...
I am worn out and no less confused than when I started. I have gained a lot of knowledge, but have very little experience in what it means for the way I live. It's like learning how to work on a car by reading books but never actually working on a car. I suppose what I need to do now is take action and let the knowledge work its way through my psyche for a while. I need to put the books down, get out in the world with these ideas, and put them into practice.
This stuff has changed me, and I think for the better. I just don't have anything outside of my head to show for it. I can talk at length and in detail about psychological theories and mysticism, but I'm no more enlightened in the spiritual sense than I was five months ago. And, actually, this quest for Divine Truth started when I was twenty years old- twenty-four years ago. I haven't been burning the midnight oil over obscure books all that time, but I've always been a seeker.
It all started out with chaos when I began experimenting with psychedelic substances in my sophomore year in college. I'm not against taking those drugs, but they shouldn't be done the way I did them. They aren't party drugs. You have to have respect for them and take them with an experienced guide who is sober, or else all hell can break loose. And that it did.
I was lost in the outer darkness for about ten years following my premature exit from school. I managed to hold it together on the physical plane most of the time, but the turmoil inside my head was incredibly painful. It would boil over into the outside world every once in a while. I went to jail twice back then. It was really strange. Everybody knew I was crazy except me. But, for some reason, nobody tried to clue me in on the matter. Nobody suggested that I seek treatment.
I've heard people say many times that people who commit suicide are taking the easy way out or that they are cowardly. They obviously have no idea of the level of pain it takes to drive someone to that point. It's kind of like the spiritual enlightenment I've been reading about in a way. The only way to know it is to experience it. Open minded people can imagine what that might be like, but that's as close as you can get to empathy as a person undergoing psychosis. Ninety-nine percent of people will never know what that's like and will never be able to truly relate.
So it was in a locked down psychiatric unit where I was put after nearly killing myself that I discovered that I was actually insane and had been for ten years. That is what I imagine spiritual enlightenment might be like. It's hard to describe the joy and relief I felt.
I have priceless wisdom that came from all of that, though. I know that there is hell and that you don't have to physically die to go there. I'm hoping that in my time I will also get to experience heaven. That's where all of this is going. That's what all of the reading and therapy and meditating is about. Now that I think about it, I've come a long way in five months. People usually do not fundamentally change in a time span that short unless they experience some kind of trauma, but I have. I've gone from being a spiritual materialist to understanding that there is far more to existence than we can ordinarily perceive, and that there is far more to us as individuals than we can know without effort and inquiry. That's valuable knowledge and maybe it will pique someone elses interest and they too will begin a journey. Maybe this is how I make the world a better place- planting a seed in one heart at a time.
Well, I guess I'm rambling. I hope you are doing well. Peace.
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...I love Bill Murray, and I love that movie!
Tobin S is a thoughtful guy. 
Thank you very much.
And that ain't one of 'em! 
of people I would love to have a beer with should we ever chance to meet when he is in the mood to have a beer.
And if he's not, I'll have his and he can have whatever he wants.
