I think a friend of mine is physically disabled, but he's being very stubborn about it.

[Tobin S.]

I went over to a friend's house tonight. It had been about three or four years since I'd seen him, but we have talked on the phone from time to time in that time. The guy's an alcoholic and he lives with his mom. I've thought for a long time now that he was self medicating with the booze due to a mental health issue. That might be what it started out as, but tonight I saw the extent of his physical disability. He's a former trucker and he's also worked as a mechanic. He couldn't do either one of those jobs right now even if he quit drinking. I don't think he could even do a desk job and he's certainly not qualified for anything like that.

When I got to his place, I could not get the driver's door shut on my car. It was like the latch was stuck in the locked position with the door open not allowing the latch to operate as it should. My friend tried to help me fix it. We took the door apart trying to figure things out. Several times I had to help him up after he got down into a kneeling position. I mean I pretty much had to bear hug him and lift him up. His back and neck are fucked.

We got the door fixed. We had to look it up. Thank God for smart phones and the Internet. I was thinking for a while there that I was going to have to call a mobile mechanic. God knows how much that would have cost, being an emergency call on a Sunday. I was 70 miles away from my place. I sure as hell didn't want to drive all that way with an open driver's side door.

Anyway, I knew my friend should have tried to go on social security disability for a while now, but I didn't know how much he had deteriorated since I had last seen him. I have tried to get him to get a lawyer and apply in the past, but he wouldn't do it. I guess he has too much pride. He says he wants to work, but I know that even if he was sober he wouldn't be able to do it.

I talked to his mom via text after I got home tonight and I told her that the guy was physically disabled. I also told her how to proceed if she can get him to apply for benefits.

As I was talking to my buddy there tonight he asked me to look over a packet he had about a living will, organ donation, and health care power of attorney. I explained all of those things to him and he said that was not what he thought it was. He wanted to make out a will. He's 42. Then he got all emotional and was trying to explain what he wanted done with his possessions when he died. I asked him why he was worried about it right now, but he didn't answer.

[tblue37]

1. He sounds depressed. Could he be a suicide risk? nt

[Tobin S.]

2. Yeah, he's depressed. I'm not sure if he's thinking suicide right now.

But it sort of looks that way. It could be that he's thinking he just doesn't have that much longer to live given the extent of his alcoholism and other health issues. A mutual friend of ours passed away last year from a drug overdose. I think that's got my buddy thinking he might check out pretty soon, too.

[tblue37]

3. Do keep in touch with him if you can, and push the SS disability issue.

Having an income could give him hope.

[Tobin S.]

4. I will. n/t

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. Oh, my dear Tobin...

This is what friends are for. To encourage, to help, to love.

I don't think he's a suicide risk now, but maybe soon he will be.

How very sad.

I think you're doing everything you can for him and his mom.

[Tobin S.]

6. Yeah, you have to tread lightly with these issues.

I think if I were to ask him if he was thinking about killing himself he would so no even if he was, and it might drive him further away.

I saw a little story either here or on Facebook the other day about addiction. Some European country had radically changed the way they think about addiction and how they treat addicts. I think it was Portugal. They legalized all drugs and started treating addicts with kindness and empathy even if they were using. As a result, drug addiction there has been cut in half or something like that.

That's kind of the approach I'm taking. I'm accepting him for who he is right now, and I don't give him a hard time about the drinking. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to enable his addiction. I'll never buy him booze. Also, I don't drink or use drugs even though I have in the past. This guy is one of my old drinking buddies. He knows I quit and I think just hanging out with him and not drinking is setting a positive example.

[Warpy]

7. Most of the loss of physical coordination seen in late stage alcoholics

is due to a thiamine (B-1) deficiency. Treatment should be started under a doctor's care, but good luck with that.

There is very little help out there for people who keep turning it down.

[Tobin S.]

8. I hear you.

I think about the only thing I can do right now is be his friend. I'll be able to help when and if he's ready for it.

[Warpy]

11. Just be aware that he might never be ready

People die from this every day. I've lost people on both sides of my own family.

[Tobin S.]

12. I understand. I think he does, too, but lacks the will to stop it. Or doesn't know how.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope my post here hasn't dredged up some bad feelings.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

9. Too many people who are genuinely entitled to

disability benefits stupidly refuse to claim them. I get so angry and frustrated anytime I learn of such cases. Don't be too fucking proud to claim them, or whatever your idiotic excuse is. There is a reason we all pay taxes. If you need help, accept it.

[Tobin S.]

10. Yeah, that's my feeling on the matter, too, and I've told him that.

We all participate in the system- giving and receiving at some point. Also, in a civil society people help each other out.

[Phoenix61]

13. If you are ever concerned a friend or loved one is thinking about suicide ASK THEM

Straight up! Ask them! Tell them you are concerned about them then say..."Are you thinking about killing yourself? " For someone who is thinking about or planning suicide, it is a rational choice to them. It's not, but to them it makes sense. They are way past the "OMG! Why would anyone ever do that" stage.

[Tobin S.]

14. I'm pretty sure the thought has crossed his mind.

I have been suicidal in my lifetime. I have bipolar disorder. When you are in that state of mind there is a barrier between you and the rest of the world. There wasn't anything anyone could say to me to help until I got through the barrier and asked for help. It was only then that I began to get better. I have asked this person before if he was suicidal and he said he was not. Even though I can see the clues, there's not much I can do about it.

I know that's sad. I know it might even seem incomprehensible when someone's life is on the line. But you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. The only thing I can do for this guy is keep talking to him and keep listening. Just keep being his friend. If he knows there are people in the world who care about him it might help getting through that barrier possible. Until then his true feelings are locked away from the rest of the world.

When I came around to the good possibility that I was going to die by my own hand, that brought me out of my mental prison. The person I came to for help was my mother. I didn't think anyone in the world cared about me, but if anyone did it would be my mom. I was right and here I am today typing these words.

[Phoenix61]

15. I'm so glad you got help

It's hard for people who have never been depressed to get it. And you are so right about other than asking, there isn't much you can do. A neighbor of mine was put in the hospital by the police but they were actively suicidal. I only found out about it because they ended up in my yard at one point. I forgot about the following until I saw your second post. The World Health Organization has a great 4 minute video called "I had a black dog, his name was depression" based on a book of the same name. A friend who worked with new moms shared it with me. I guess she was screening for post-partum depression. It describes depression in a very visual way. I thought it was pretty cool. I don't know if it would help your friend but maybe it would help his mom understand him a little better.
https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=I+had+a+black+dog

[PennyK]

16. About the car

Any chance it's a Ford Focus? There's a recall out on the door latch; I got the notice for mine, but they don't have parts unless it's actually acting up.