I did a sketch for my mother-in-law that she won't ever see

[vixengrl]

I guess the backstory is that my husband's parents were old when they had him--his dad already had grandchildren, and his mom was nearly forty. His memory of his parents was always of them as older people, and they always had memories of a time that seemed remote to him. His father was older-almost 100 years old when he passed, and I drew him a donkey drawing a cart to a fence showing a road to a farm--a very pastoral southern Italian sketch. He got to see the picture while he lived, and was buried with it. I knew he liked it.

My mother in law is just a bit younger--81. She never got to see the picture that I drew for her today--a weeping Madonna on the rocks, under a fig tree in April just beginning to sprout leaves and early fruit. I think she would have understood why I chose to sketch that scene, and how I wished I could have spoken with her more (she spoke Italian and a little English-- we had love for her son more in common than a language--he husband spoke English even less). She will be buried with this picture she never saw, a gift I give as awkwardly as I ever gave her anything, as much from my heart as from my hand. I loved her as mother and a friend and respected her as the woman who made my husband the sensitive man he is even though we shared so few words.

Which seems absurd after all this time--why didn't the two of you overcome the gulf of language? But, we didn't need to. She loved her sons, as did I. And her other daughter-in-law, and her grandsons. All I ever needed to do was be there, and love and be loved.

And I am wrecked with the anticipation of her passing, and preparing myself to support my spouse. And I don't even know yet the shape of our grief, or understand the size of the hole her loss will leave in our lives. My husband called her twice a day, once, and has sat by her overnight often in a hospice vigil these past several weeks.

She won't know, perhaps, the enormity of her passing. We are just beginning to know.

[Laffy Kat]

1. And you are a loving DIL, dear vixengrl. nt

[FakeNoose]

2. This is heartbreaking

I'm sorry for your loss!

As we get older we usually realize the importance of family.
It sounds like you and your husband have known it all along.

[vixengrl]

3. She is southern Italian marble, and endures

despite a hemorrhaging stroke and seizures. She is under sedation and is asleep but we guess at what she does and doesn't know. I think she knows we were all there today. This was my brother in-law's birthday. Maybe she will pass tomorrow. But it isn't really up to her or us or anything but time. We think she doesn't suffer. But time is playing us.

[orleans]

4. i'm sorry your family is going through this difficult time

anticipatory grief can be extremely sorrow filled, trying and stressful

i wasn't aware du had a bereavement forum until after my mom passed and i had been on du for five years prior. so, just to let you know--in case you don't know already:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234

take care.

[Lint Head]

5. My heart is with you. It's tough but we must live at peace

and be at peace for our loved ones to rest in peace. I was born late and carry a lot of guilt for being a rebellious young person as they aged. My only sister and sibling died a year ago. I now realize we all go through a phase. I hear my Mom and Dad in my heart and mind with every decision I make and every turn life takes

Your in laws and your spouse's parents will be with you always. All you have to do is open your mind and heart and they will speak.

Peace

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

6. I understand.

My husband was the son of somewhat older parents. Both were in their early 40s when he was born, and although they grew up in this country, they were often mistaken for his grandparents when he was a child. What I genuinely appreciated was that connection to an earlier generation. You are even more fortunate that you had a connection to another culture.

When those close to us leave this life, they always leave a hole. My older sister passed away three weeks ago, and as she'd been in failing health for several years, it was not as bad as it might have been, but nonetheless she will always be a missing part of me for the rest of my life.