What can you do for a dying friend?

[panader0]

I've been to visit, traveling to his remote acreage in the Chiracahua Mts.
You talk, but the shadow of death is over it all. What can I do or say?
Nothing can make it better. He may have a month.

[lisa58]

1. My brother is dying...

Just let him know you love him - that you enjoy him and will never forget him - you can do it all without words

[madaboutharry]

2. All you can do is love him.

The gift you can give to a dying friend is to tell them how much you love them and how much their friendship has meant to you.

i don't know if there is anything else.

[Phoenix61]

3. Being there is a big deal

Ask him if he wants to talk about it. Everyone's different but if you ask the question it will let him know you are ok talking about it.

[True Dough]

6. THIS!!!

You may never know just how much your presence and your words may have meant, Panader0. I have spoken with palliative care doctors who said that hearing and comprehension can carry on long after the patient is no longer communicative and in an unconscious state.

Although there may be no way for your friend to express how much he appreciates you being there, it is certainly still worth the time and effort to pay a visit. I can't imagine that there is a greater gift at this final stage.

[we can do it]

19. Have to agree with this.💔💗

[d_r]

4. I have a friend

Who died way too young at 40 from a brain tumor. We had a group of friends that all loved canoeing together in college and planned to on one last Canoe trip. He ended up not having the time to have the health to take that. There was a benefit concert for him and so we all camped out there in a field that night as we would do on the canoe trips and had that time together.

I'm sorry I don't have any words for you, I didn't have any then, but I feel like just getting that visit and that good bye goes a long way.

[skylucy]

5. I'm no expert on this, but I think you are doing the right and

most important thing by continuing to visit, talk and be his friend. Sometimes people are so uncomfortable with a situation like this, they stay away/avoid the person. If you can't travel to his home too often,I think calling, texting, sending cards or emailing him as much as possible would mean a lot. The end of life can be a lonely time. If he wants to talk about his life ending, just listening and understanding would be helpful for your friend.

[janterry]

7. Have you asked him what he wants?

Does he want to talk about dying? Is there anything he wants to do (he may not be able to do much physically, but maybe you can help him).

He may just want company. (Perhaps in person, also you could skype? Or telephone??)

I'd ask him - has he thought about what he wants in the time he has left and then I'd ask him how you can help him. He may just need information about dying (the process) or reassurance that he will be treated for pain (people really need to know that).

He probably (not everyone, but many) wants to have as much control over the process as he can. Can you help in this?

Does he have hospice in place? If not, can you help him get it? If he does, talk to the RN or chaplain or MSW and ask them for advice.

Many good thoughts to you and to your friend. Ji Jang Bosal

[panader0]

8. He's 58. 8 years younger than me. A construction worker.

A mountain climber, a Deadhead, lives off the grid, a grower. He has his son and
brother to look after him. He walked out of the hospital to die at home. A fine man.

[janterry]

9. I'm so sorry

This is so hard .

What is his first name? We'll chant for him and put his name on our altar.

[panader0]

10. Mark

[Skittles]

11. no one is guaranteed another day

just talk and you normally would

talk about the heavy stuff only if he brings it up

[flying_wahini]

12. Tell him stories about your shared times together....

Stories about how important he was to you and your friends. Try to speak openly about death- sometimes people avoid it so much that the patient feels guilty about talking about it.

Most people are afraid they will cry. Crying is good and perfectly normal. It shows him he will have people who will miss him. Take old photos that would mean something to him.
Play him some old tunes that will take him back. Tell him what he wants to hear.

[GitRDun]

13. 25 years ago, I was given a 70+% chance of being dead in a year...

When you are in that situation, you already feel an internal separation between yourself and the "living".

I've found over the years that the best way to deal with these situations is first express your love and concern for your friend then do everything in your power to take that "cloud of death" away for a little while.

Talk about things you always did before, play a game, joke around...anything you can do to make things feel normal,,,even if its just for a little while...

You said he's a grower. Maybe mess around in the yard with him. If he can't do anything I would put him in a chair, crank some Dead tunes and do it for him...your giving a few minutes of semi normal...best gift ever.

I'm very sorry for your friend and you...my best.

[Warpy]

14. Remember the great times you've had with him

especially the ones that make you both laugh. Remember, he might be dying but he's not dead yet.

If he wants to talk about it, listen without judgment and without trying to fix it, you can't.

Chances are that he's looking back over his life more than dwelling on the inevitable end of it. If he has an requests, no matter how against common sense they are, try to fill them.

[panader0]

15. A couple of years ago his friend, and mine, a guy named Marvin

died in a single truck roll over accident on the way to his birthday party.
Marvin's nickname was Moose. At the site of the accident, Mark put up a
large "Moose Crossing" sign. (Here in So Az on a remote dirt road). Mark proceded to make the
largest bonfire I have ever seen after the funeral. Flames over 100 feet tall. I thought the
world would burn up. Moose's wife saw the fire thirty miles away.

[shenmue]

16. ...

Plant a tree, perhaps.

[left-of-center2012]

17. Just be with him

Decades ago I worked in a Catholic nursing home.
In the final weeks of a terminal patient the nuns would sit with the patient silently holding his hand so they didn't die alone.

[WinkyDink]

18. It's a cliche, but laughter really is a great medicine. And speak more of his life and

accomplishments. Let him know he's been of value to many.

Take him outside to see the natural world he loves.

[Beaverhausen]

20. Agreeing with others and adding that you might want to make sure...

...the son and brother are taken are of as well. The caretakers need support too.

And a deadhead would appreciate music, surely.

Sending you love. I have a 47 year old friend with terminal brain cancer. She might still have years but it won't be many.

[Deb]

21. I bought my Mom a box of blank cards and offered to write

any messages she might want to send. She chose the card, signed her name and stuck on the stamp. My mother was a giver and wanted to continue doing for others until she no longer could. Together she forgave, thanked folks, shared recipes and memories or sent photos. She had a sense of fulfillment each day a card went out. If your friend was a giver they may need help to do that too. Take care of yourself.

[Iggo]

22. Don't waste time on bullshit.

All you have is now.

[Kali]

23. I am sorry.

it is hard, but it is worth doing.

play him some tunes...

is he eating? some delicious ripe fruit...strawberries have been pretty good in Safeway lately.

[Wawannabe]

24. Kali you beat me to it!

I was gonna ask if he could eat.
Food! Does a body good.
A lot of foods fight cancer!
One is Apple Cider vinegar with the Mother!
(Unfiltered)

Chicken Noodle soup as close to homemade (with lots if herbs) as you can get.
A side of vinegar slaw made with ACV...
Comforting.
Food = Love.
May as well have red wine too. Unfiltered, fermented foods/bevs.

Take care of yourself too! Tell him we said hello and we care about him.

[Wawannabe]

25. Also...

No f'n way will I die in a Money Machine (hospital). I would walk out too- IF I found myself there. Would never go willingly!

[emulatorloo]

26. Love him, talk to him, run errands for his family

I know he'll appreciate all of that. My heart goes out to you and your friend.

[samnsara]

27. im so sorry.... I had that situation only once and even tho her kids were...

..young adults I let her know I would always be there for her kids if they needed anything. I also told her I loved her. I think if I was the one dying I may actually want to talk to someone about the fear, the pain..or no pain,..and just the dying experience. Sometimes just being there and not talking at all is the best. Your heart will let you know. Is he well enough for one last last adventure?