DU husbands. Is it really unreasonable of me to ask my husband update

[Catmusicfan]

To call me if he is going out after work? He actually is working overtime. He went in for 11am and this week his normal shift is 3pm to 11pm. But right now he has worked 12 hours. It is now 12:25 am. I am worried. He shuts his phone off and placed it in the glove compartment because he says he isn't allowed to have his phone. Fine but turn it on as soon as you get out of work. I a. Worried but if I bring this up to him he says I'm being overdramatic.



Help? Advice?


He is home safe. Had to take the buddy he rides with to med express for an injury.

[LuvLoogie]

1. Where does he work where he is not allowed to have his phone?

[Catmusicfan]

2. Manufacturing job. Very good cookware.

[LuvLoogie]

8. If it's a safety issue, fine. But I'd protest the rule if I were him.

[NewJeffCT]

41. When our old home couldn't sell

we ended up renting it out long-term to a family that was relocating from overseas. The husband's job involved a lot of government contracts, and he had to turn in his personal phone every morning when arriving at work for security reasons. And, because his family was coming from overseas, the husband arrived a few months ahead of the rest of the family because the kids were finishing the school year. He was very difficult to reach until his company gave him a secure work phone that he could use during the day and also because his wife was overseas.

[AJT]

15. Are you in WI?

[Catmusicfan]

16. No pa

[LuvLoogie]

3. Also, how long have you been married and do you have kids?

[Warpy]

6. That doesn't mean anything

She just wants to know he hasn't piled his car into a tree on the way home after working all that overtime.

A text of "going out, see you later" is all that's needed.

[LuvLoogie]

9. It does mean something if he is indifferent to her concern and he has kids.

[left-of-center2012]

54. Does he have a dog?

Does he smoke cigars,
or drink imported wine?

[LuvLoogie]

55. He's married; he is part of a family. Wine is kept in a cellar

Cigars are kept in a humidor. Those are inanimate objects.

A dog anticipates his owner's presence, but probably doesn't know what a text or phone call is.

A wife is not a dog.

[Catmusicfan]

14. We been married 15 years. No kids...

[LuvLoogie]

21. Do you work "first shift?" Do you guys see each other much during the week?

The reason I ask is maybe the job and the hours are isolating him. He becomes self reliant, used to not seeing you, so the habit of regular communication wanes.

With kids, you have to stay in communication out of necessity. If your lives parallel those of roommates, then the separation becomes the path of least resistance.

Men are content with being in place with their mate. Women, I think, like more engagement. It is not necessarily indifference at play, but perhaps routine.

Surprise him one night by picking him up after work for a late dinner or a few beers, and tell him how you feel about needing to hear from him after you've had a chance to just chill together.

I don't know you or anything about you. This is just my gut feeling.

[Skittles]

4. ask him to send you a text

[LuvLoogie]

5. I agree

[CentralMass]

7. Trust, but verify.

[teach1st]

10. I used to be a husband. Here's my opinion:

One of the reasons I used to be a husband and no longer am (i.e., we broke up) is because I neglected to inform my spouse about my whereabouts (way before cell phones), especially during non-routine situations. I would stay out and not let her know what I was up to. I was a jerk. I don't blame her for splitting. I think it's reasonable to expect a message from a spouse who is moving in unexpected directions.

Here's another consideration. Does your husband expect you to do the same? Relationships depend on mutual and equal agreements.

[Catmusicfan]

12. I do try to keep him informed. He hasn't gone out of his way to

Check on me when I was late he was just like I figured you where on your way.

[patricia92243]

32. You have just answered your own question. That is just the

way he is - with you or with himself.

[RainCaster]

11. It's not unreasonable

I travel for work, about 75% of the time. I call my wife every night and we visit for a while about what went on in our lives that day. I call her when I land, and always if I'm going to be late. Pussy whipped? No, we are a team and we have been together for 37 years. I must be doing something right.

[Catmusicfan]

13. Good man

[onetexan]

19. Good hubby

It's not "having to check in" with the spouse, but rather 1) the fact that she cares deeply & will spare her the worry. Any normal human being woul. 2) hubby is darn lucky someone cares enough for him to wait up after midnight while he's on his way home. My hubby & I do text each other daily even though he has a short commute. I work out of my home but do run out for errands & lunch with friends & such. we stay in touch while we're away from each other given it's important to maintain trust & for safety reasons.

[NewJeffCT]

42. My wife and I both travel for work sometimes

though nowhere near 75% of the time - my wife is maybe 30% of the time and me maybe 10% of the time, if that.

However, if we fly anywhere or drive anywhere, we always text each other when we arrive - even if it's "just landed" or "just got my luggage, going to the hotel" or similar. My wife's phone is set up for international calling, so she does that even when she travels to Mexico or China or elsewhere.

[smirkymonkey]

45. That's nice! I just think it's common courtesy for couples to check in with

each other. She is a very lucky woman to have such a considerate husband!

[AJT]

17. Is je an incredibly laidback guy?

If he is, he's not being inconsiderate it's just his nature. He isn't a worrier and has a hard time understanding why you worry. It may not enter his mind to call, so it may be difficult for him to change. I assume you've tried explaining how important it is to you that at least he check in when gets in the car. I'm not sure what else you can do.

[Squinch]

29. If she is asking and it's common courtesy, whether he is laid back does not matter. It's still

inconsiderate.

Something like that isn't "someone's nature" that can't be changed. It's a behavior. If her concerns are important to him, he could send a text. If her concerns are not important to him, that's another story.

[onecaliberal]

18. I'm a wife but my husband and I both check in with each other if our plan for the

day changes for whatever reason and definitely if either of us will be late. It's common courtesy.

[emulatorloo]

20. Not unreasonable at all.

[The River]

22. Concern vs Worry

One shows caring,
the other is just fear.

[Lars39]

23. Swing shift and overtime is inhumane imo.

A text at least would be nice, but he may be doing good just to remember his name after a 12 hr shift.

[Lochloosa]

24. I always tell my wife if I'm running late.

I couldn't imagine not telling her.

[VOX]

25. Overdramatic? Basic courtesy doesn't end when you're married; in fact, it's essential.

You're not asking for much, just to touch base with a text or quick call. That's so easy to do and it's important to keeping a healthy relationship on balance.

Not communicating is not communicating, whether it's coming home hours late without checking in, or sitting together in the same room or in a car without having any discussion. Even in those situations, it's considerate to ask, "Can we just sit here and be close, without talking for awhile?"

Is there any reason to suspect that he may be doing something other than what he reports? Is this a chronic issue? What kind of work does not allow someone to keep a phone on their person?

[lostnfound]

26. Ask him if it's only a nuisance or if it's annoying like feeling controlled

If it's just a nuisance, then a passive way to put your mind at ease is with "find my friends" or similar which save him from having to do anything.

If it's because it makes him feel controlled then that won't work.

I can relate -- I used to be annoyed to call an old girlfriend because I'd forget to call or because it would interfere with spontaneity ( end up in a long conversation with someone and felt like an "unfree" person to not be able to go with the flow.

My SO now and I have zero jealousy so "tracking the dot" is just a logistic convenience (is it a bad time to bother the other with a phone call, or when headed home etc). A lot of people would be bothered by it though (is she just checking up on me?) so I wouldn't suggest it for most others. It's just an option that works well for us.

[Squinch]

27. It's common courtesy for him to let you know where he is if he is supposed to be home and isn't.

And in this day in age all it takes is a text.

What is the big deal? Why would someone not be willing to do that? And even if it was an emergency, he could and should still send a text when he can.

If he has a really BIG problem with this request, I'd wonder why.

[cwydro]

49. I agree.

I'm not in any relationship, but I stay in contact with a close friend.

We generally keep up with what the other is doing. I drive a lot, she's in her 60s and lives alone. It's a good thing to do.

I can't imagine a wife or husband not doing the same.

[Generic Brad]

28. Do you update him when you leave work?

If so - fair request on your part. If not - you are being unfair to him.

[ProfessorGAC]

38. That Was Necessary?

We've both been here forever and I wouldn't have expected that from you.

[Skittles]

43. ?

DUers often ask for advice regarding personal situations

[Warren DeMontague]

31. Short Answer?

No, it's not.

[NightWatcher]

33. You want me to put him under surveillance?

Get me a retainer and complete some info for me and I'll start following him....just to let you know what's up.

[Catmusicfan]

40. naah, he is a geek like me. He just doesn't understand about thinking about others.

[haele]

34. DU wife with a stay at home husband here...

I always call or text if I'm going to be late and when I'm on the road. Especially if we've already discussed me stopping off for groceries or small errands after work.
I typically get off work between 3:45 and 4:15 with a 1/2 hour commute, so it gives him a heads up to shoo all those naughty dancers out of the house and clean up the evidence before I get home...

But seriously, he worries if he doesn't hear from me by 5pm - either letting him know I'm on my way or that there's a hold-up or errand I'm running on my way home.

Haele

[Yavin4]

35. I'm not a husband, but I play one on TV

You're not being unreasonable. Your husband should call you as soon as he gets off work.

[True Dough]

46. On TV?

I thought your show went off the air...

[TexasBushwhacker]

36. Since he took his buddy to med express

He was in his car WITH HIS FUCKING PHONE. IMHO, he's being inconsiderate.

[Catmusicfan]

39. We do have a policy of not driving and talking.. BUT he could have taken the phone into

med express and I told him so. He said he was sorry.

[ProfessorGAC]

37. No It's Not

As a husband since 1980, my wife ALWAYS knows where I am, and knows that while I'm there she can call me at anytime
He needs to look up "courtesy"!

[RobinA]

47. Not A Husband

but to me a change of normal schedule or stated arrival time requires a brief call home so they don't worry. I'm not a huge fan of the currently fashionable constant phone contact, but even before cell phones, you should let the people know when you aren't going to be where you usually are at a given time. Not for a stop off it pick up a loaf of bread, which is usually short, but a detour of a half an hour or more requires a heads up, especially if the people at home would like one. On the other hand, if people at home have the attitude, "They'll get here when they get here," than maybe not so much. Being out and about at night requires special attention to this courtesy.

[mythology]

48. Personally I would find it a bit overbearing

Granted I'm very introverted, but I'm much more of a contact if something is wrong rather than contact just to contact.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

53. Same here

I wouldn't call my husband just to check up on him. I don't call him to tell him what up I'm up too either. Typically, I tell him before I leave roughly when I might be back. I don't call to give updates unless something is really out of the ordinary.

[NNadir]

50. I almost always call my wife when I'm leaving work, to ask if she needs or wants anything.

I commute about an hour; she's got a 15 minute commute.

If I have to go overseas or fly somewhere - I do this much less than I used to do - I always call her when the plane lands and say "Arrived alive," either as a message or a call.

When we were young, she worked at a job till midnight in a sketchy area near a military base an hour away - it was before the days of cell phones - I always stayed up until she came home, usually worried where she was if she was late because of the frequent fogs in California.

I certainly don't think it's too much to ask; but every relationship is different.

[Rorey]

51. I was probably immature about it when my husband didn't keep me posted

My current husband was close to 50 years old when we married and it was his first marriage. He was often very bad about keeping me posted. At first I warned him that I was going to do the same thing, but of course I didn't because I have children and dropping off the face of the earth was simply not an option. What finally made him change (somewhat) was when I STOPPED asking and/or complaining about his neglecting to keep me posted. He's still not great about keeping me posted, but he's not as bad as he used to be. At some point I quit letting it bother me. I follow through on my plans, with or without him.

It's possible that our honeymoon phase is over.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

52. My husband never has his cell phone on either.

It is pretty much pointless to ever try calling him on it. He basically has it to place a call when he needs it, but shuts it off as soon as he is done with the call. It's kind of annoying, but it has never been a huge problem. I can remember when we didn't have the cell phone convenience, so I can deal with it.