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Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 11:35 AM Aug 2017

1.4 blood alcohol and GHB

My girlfriend's son has been living with us. He's 40.

Got arrested the other night. The cops took a blood sample. South Carolina limit on alcohol is 0.08. He came up 1.4, and they found GHB as well.

He got arrested for punching someone at a party.

Since living here, he and the girlfriend have doubled our electric bill. They agreed to pay half. It's due Monday. I'll be paying the whole thing.

Mom's an enabler and in denial.

So how is your day?

39 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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1.4 blood alcohol and GHB (Original Post) Miles Archer Aug 2017 OP
Is your girlfriend going to cover it? Help them find somewhere else? bettyellen Aug 2017 #1
I presume you meant 0.14 zipplewrath Aug 2017 #2
She said 1.4, she could have been wrong Miles Archer Aug 2017 #6
Percentage zipplewrath Aug 2017 #9
1.4 sounds like he had a little blood in his alcohol stream........ lastlib Aug 2017 #31
1.48 was the highest BAC ever recorded, so this was probably 0.14. The Velveteen Ocelot Aug 2017 #8
He's been here twice Miles Archer Aug 2017 #11
Good luck to you. The Velveteen Ocelot Aug 2017 #16
Thank you Miles Archer Aug 2017 #17
One suggestion: Al-Anon LastLiberal in PalmSprings Aug 2017 #3
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Pope George Ringo II Aug 2017 #10
Al Anon is for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics Warpy Aug 2017 #26
And until the drunk wants to go Pope George Ringo II Aug 2017 #27
The drunk stops being the focus of everybody else's life Warpy Aug 2017 #28
I don't actually take twelve-step programs very seriously. A little, but not very. Pope George Ringo II Aug 2017 #29
Of course you don't Warpy Aug 2017 #30
Thank you for understanding that. Al-Anon doesn't "fix" the alcoholic/addict LastLiberal in PalmSprings Aug 2017 #33
That is an excellent idea Rhiannon12866 Aug 2017 #32
He may want to buy a Blood alcohol device Cicada Aug 2017 #4
Have you thought of finding a place of your own? AJT Aug 2017 #5
It's on the horizon Miles Archer Aug 2017 #7
Is she retired? She may have to find part-time work. AJT Aug 2017 #12
I don't know what she's going to do. Miles Archer Aug 2017 #13
I'm curious, are you supporting her? AJT Aug 2017 #14
Yes and yes Miles Archer Aug 2017 #15
Stay strong. You have every right to some inner peace. AJT Aug 2017 #18
Stay strong, but sometimes the toughest decisions are the best. Fla Dem Aug 2017 #21
She's already siding with him without an ultimatum Miles Archer Aug 2017 #22
I had a similar experience with the minister at my girlfriend's church. LastLiberal in PalmSprings Aug 2017 #34
I'm confused Skittles Aug 2017 #35
My girlfriend. Her son moved in, with his girlfriend, her 4-year old, and a their dog Miles Archer Aug 2017 #37
what is her work history? Skittles Aug 2017 #36
She hasn't worked for a while. Miles Archer Aug 2017 #38
I just want to say how sorry I am that Ilsa Aug 2017 #19
I want to tag along here... Phentex Aug 2017 #20
Thank you Phentex Miles Archer Aug 2017 #23
What Phenta and Ilsa said. raven mad Sep 2017 #39
Thank you...taking care of myself has been a challenge under this roof. Miles Archer Aug 2017 #24
We will continue to hope for the best for you. Ilsa Aug 2017 #25

zipplewrath

(16,646 posts)
2. I presume you meant 0.14
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 11:53 AM
Aug 2017

Strangely, that's the BAC that the original studies were done to support BAC as a measure of intoxication. It's bad, but not exactly falling down drunk. The GHB is a confusing factor though. It could amplify the effects of the alcohol. Flip side is it used to be used to treat alcoholism. Is he under any treatment?

Was he arrested driving or just because of the battery? 0.08 is for driving. Not sure that's the "public intoxication" limit.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
6. She said 1.4, she could have been wrong
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:03 PM
Aug 2017

He'll regularly drink an 18 can case of beer in an evening. He knows his mother frowns on hard alcohol in the house, at least from him. Every time he goes out drinking he has hard alcohol and beer.

He was arrested for battery. He was at a party.

zipplewrath

(16,646 posts)
9. Percentage
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:09 PM
Aug 2017

He'd a been dead. It's the percentage of alcohol in the blood stream. 1.4 would be 140% which means that his blood would have been pure alcohol. 0.14 would be more consistent with getting in a fight.

The boy has a problem (duh).

The Velveteen Ocelot

(115,280 posts)
8. 1.48 was the highest BAC ever recorded, so this was probably 0.14.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:06 PM
Aug 2017

Still, that's well above the legal limit. But obviously there's a bigger problem here; maybe this freeloader needs another place to live.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
11. He's been here twice
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:23 PM
Aug 2017

1). December 2015, I was 4 months into my relationship with my girlfriend. He had a disability check coming, plan was for them to get a place of their own, 90 days. He moved out on day 90.

2). June 2017. Got into a conflict with neighbors and was evicted. The plan was the same, stay here temporarily, get a place of your own. We are now into month four, they are claiming to be broke, both work and did not save a penny for their own place and never mentioned it. When I said something about their never leaving, my girlfriend referred to his arrest as "a setback." The money they were supposed to pay us went for his bail. He just got home an hour ago and it's shits and giggles while I scramble around to come up with the money for the electric bill. My girlfriend has apparently gone to her happy place as she sits there, says nothing, and when I bring it up she says "I'm not having this conversation."

Plan is to sell my ass off (I am a self employed Web Designer, my money comes from clients) and move out by the end of the year.

The Velveteen Ocelot

(115,280 posts)
16. Good luck to you.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 01:01 PM
Aug 2017

This sounds like a bad situation in a number of respects, including the codependency and denial on the part of your girlfriend. Hope you can get out of there ASAP.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
17. Thank you
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 01:08 PM
Aug 2017

At times like this I thank God for my big sister, because I ran some of this by her the other day, and she said "You've been through worse than this and you got through it, so you'll get through this."

And I was kind of stunned, because she's right, and when you get through something abusive and catastrophic and survive it, you tend to not act like Donald Trump and brag about it every thirty seconds. You just get on with your life.

It's tragic, still, because when I leave she will be totally dependent on her son, and he's a cockroach.

3. One suggestion: Al-Anon
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 11:55 AM
Aug 2017

It's a 12 Step program for family and friends of alcoholics. Practicing its principles allows you to "detach with love" and be able to choose the course of action you want to take concerning your girlfriend's son. They won't tell you what to do, just give you "tools" to use in clearing your mind. Members of each meeting share their experience, strength and hope concerning problems like yours.

The cost is a couple of dollars a meeting, which is used for rent, coffee, etc.

The website for the main office is www.al-anon.org. You can find local meetings by searching the name of your town or city plus "Al-Anon"

They suggest you attend six meetings in a row before you decide whether to continue on. If you don't, they will cheerfully refund your misery.

Good luck.

p.s. Here's the South Carolina Al-Anon website, which includes a meeting list: http://www.al-anon-sc.org/

Pope George Ringo II

(1,896 posts)
10. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:13 PM
Aug 2017

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. It sounds like we're going to have to wait for the lightbulb to want to change.

Warpy

(110,913 posts)
26. Al Anon is for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 09:54 PM
Aug 2017

If the drunk's enabler mother won't go, then the OP has to go. Maybe when she gets sick of sitting home on OP's meeting night, she will go check it out. They can save your sanity. They saved mine.

It's the cheapest therapy out there, dedicated to coping with crazy making behavior from alcoholics and addicts. Just a buck or two when they pass the basket, it helps keep the lights on.'

The only psychologists you'll find there are the ones who are also learning how to cope with drunks and addicts.

Warpy

(110,913 posts)
28. The drunk stops being the focus of everybody else's life
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 10:02 PM
Aug 2017

and enablers learn how to stop enabling.

You obviously don't get it. Maybe you should go and check it out, it's not about getting a drunk to stop drinking. It's about getting everybody around him/her into a healthier place.

Pope George Ringo II

(1,896 posts)
29. I don't actually take twelve-step programs very seriously. A little, but not very.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 11:08 PM
Aug 2017

Too many friends in the mental health profession, and too much of my own time working with addicts. And I learned very young that you can't want help for them if they're not on board, and that a lot of them are self-medicating something and usually making it worse. The OP sees the writing on the wall, is on the way to getting out, and has a realistic plan to do so. And until the girlfriend wants out too, there's not much anybody can do for her either. All the lightbulbs have to want to change.

33. Thank you for understanding that. Al-Anon doesn't "fix" the alcoholic/addict
Wed Aug 30, 2017, 12:34 PM
Aug 2017

It's to recover the "you" that you've turned over to the drunk. Your life gets better, whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not. You change the only thing you have control over -- your own attitude and actions.

It worked for me -- your mileage may vary.

Rhiannon12866

(203,041 posts)
32. That is an excellent idea
Wed Aug 30, 2017, 04:13 AM
Aug 2017

Anything you're going through, these people have been there, and are willing to share their experience, strength and hope. I also recommend Al-Anon highly - and there are meetings everywhere. If one isn't a good fit, there's bound to be another close by. The tools available - and just learning you're not alone - are invaluable.

Cicada

(4,533 posts)
4. He may want to buy a Blood alcohol device
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:02 PM
Aug 2017

It is easy to think you are legal to drive when you aren't. Maybe he would use an inexpensive breathalyzer to make sure he doesn't get another arrest.

AJT

(5,240 posts)
5. Have you thought of finding a place of your own?
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:02 PM
Aug 2017

Separate living but staying a couple? That way she can continue to make the choices she wants to with her son and you're not in the middle of the living arrangements. She can foot the bill for herself and her son if she chooses to and it doesn't affect you financially or emotionally. You can give her emotional support without the anger and resentment of dealing with her son.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
7. It's on the horizon
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:06 PM
Aug 2017

I have some car repairs (transmission) I have to do first, but the goal...unfortunately...is to be out of here by the end of the year. It doesn't look like he's going anywhere, and she's not going to change. He got what he wanted. This has been his plan for the last two years. She doesn't work, so he will have to fully support her. She has no income, except she does have food stamps.

AJT

(5,240 posts)
12. Is she retired? She may have to find part-time work.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:26 PM
Aug 2017

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It is almost impossible for a mom to give tough love to her child.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
13. I don't know what she's going to do.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:31 PM
Aug 2017

There is a part of me that is thinking I'm a piece of crap for even considering this, but she won't meet me half way, she won't meet me a quarter of the way. She tells me she is going to say something, it never gets said, and when I bring it up, the response is "I'm not having this conversation."

When I pay the electric bill, it won't be "forgiven debt"...they will still owe me the money. But if she doesn't tell them that, or if she tells them it is forgiven, it's all on me.

This Sunday they will owe us $350. Best case scenario I see is that we might get $100. I'm guessing we won't see a penny, and I have already told her I will not permanently support her son.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
15. Yes and yes
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 12:43 PM
Aug 2017

That's why I have one foot out the door.

The last time he was here, I sat down with the local pastor. He said "She's never going to change, she will always side with her kids, they'll always be showing up at the door, you need to leave and not look back, because when you do, she will be crying and trying to lay guilt on you, and if you let that sway you, nothing will change."

I believed him at the time. I really believe him now.

All that's standing between me and leaving is a new (probably rebuilt) transmission, a new battery, and a fluid changes (car has been down for a while because of the expense). Then it's first month's / last month's rent, security deposit, utilities...it is going to take a while to stockpile all of that cash. But I have found in my life that when I have to do something, I rise to the occasion. I gave her the benefit of doubt. It is only getting worse on a daily basis and my physical and mental health are suffering.

A week before he got arrested, he and the girlfriend got into a drunken yelling match in our house. I called the sheriff, she went to jail for the night. If my girlfriend had put the fear of God in them the next day, the second incident may or may not have happened. I am fully prepared to go downtown and start eviction proceedings. My girlfriend would have to file the papers because she is the homeowner. That will never happen because "they have no place to go."

House is on fire, I see the exits.

Fla Dem

(23,352 posts)
21. Stay strong, but sometimes the toughest decisions are the best.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 07:40 PM
Aug 2017

Have you given her an ultimatum? Him or you? If she sided with him, you're in a lose/lose relationship. You have to decide if this arrangement is good for you in both the short and long term. Disentangling yourself from this destructive relationship could be the best thing you can do for yourself. If you just walked away would your life be any worse? You may be surprised what a weight is lifted from your shoulders.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
22. She's already siding with him without an ultimatum
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 08:24 PM
Aug 2017

When his girlfriend got hauled off last week for being drunk and disorderly, my girlfriend said "That's it, when I've reached my limit, there's no turning back, I am going to tell him this isn't working out."

Then the stalling and excuses began, and what has been said is absolutely nothing.

The relationship...including her son...is absolutely not good for me in the long term. I've told her this many, many times.

Can't walk away till I fix my car and have the money for another place. I intend to do that by the end of the year (transmission alone, for a rebuilt, is around $1500. I also need a new battery, since it died from my not starting it for an extended time), and it has been sitting in the yard since last October, so I should probably replace the brake fluid, oil, and coolant as well). On top of that, I need rent money and any necessary deposits. All of my money has gone into keeping this household afloat. I need to stop "disclosing" my full income, become much more aggressive in going after clients, put aside what I need, fix the car, and go.

I already sense the weight that will be lifted. I feel the weight every day. Thank you for your encouragement.

34. I had a similar experience with the minister at my girlfriend's church.
Wed Aug 30, 2017, 01:06 PM
Aug 2017

I wasn't even a member of that church, but he sought me out one day and advised me to get out of the relationship: "She's got problems only God can solve."

I left soon thereafter, which was hard because she had a six-year-old daughter that I absolutely loved. Her mother threw every guilt trip she could at me when I left, including an attempted suicide, if swallowing a bunch of aspirin can fall into that category.

After a while I regained my emotional and financial equilibrium, and realized two important facts: (1) I was a pretty o.k. guy, and (2) there were a lot of women in the world who weren't fucked up, and were worth pursuing a relationship with.

As an aside, when my life had completely bottomed out (no job, no money, deep depression) I talked with my elderly neighbor -- well, he seemed elderly at the time; now I'm approaching his age -- and asked him what he had learned during his seven-plus decades of living. "Things change," he said, and I hung onto those two words like a lifeline for the next year as my life became livable again. New job, savings, therapy and finally I found a psychologically and spiritually healthy woman who became my wife seventeen years ago, after a ten year relationship.

Things change. You're worth having a sane and happy life. Keep us posted.

Skittles

(152,967 posts)
35. I'm confused
Thu Aug 31, 2017, 02:06 AM
Aug 2017

how many people are you referring to - there's your girlfriend, and her son, is the son's girlfriend in there too? So essentially you are supporting three deadbeats?

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
37. My girlfriend. Her son moved in, with his girlfriend, her 4-year old, and a their dog
Thu Aug 31, 2017, 07:03 AM
Aug 2017

They are supposed to kick in $100 a week to cover the cost of their being here, plus 1/2 the electric bill.

We got stiffed this past Sunday because the girlfriend said she had to use the money to bail him out of jail.

I am going to pay the electric bill today...$352...over double of what it would be for us at this time of year...because they haven't kicked in their half, and no matter how much it pisses me off, if I don't, the power gets turned off on Tuesday.

On Sunday, they will owe us another $100, grand total 100 + 176 + 100, or $376.

I called the Magistrate's office yesterday. I had due cause to go down yesterday and file a notice to quit, which means I would have also had cause to return on Tuesday to file an eviction notice.

My girlfriend wouldn't allow it. It's her house. She would have to file the paperwork. She'd throw me out before she'd do that.

My car has been inoperable since October of last year. I need a new (or rebuilt) transmission. All of my money has gone into supporting this household. With no car and no money I am not in a position to leave, or I would have already done that. That's why I now have to make it a matter of life and death (or, more accurately, my physical and mental health) to sell like a demon, get better clients, fix my car, get the money I need for first month's / last month's / security deposits, and leave. It's not going to happen in a week, but it means that I need to go out and fight for it, and I am doing exactly that.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
38. She hasn't worked for a while.
Thu Aug 31, 2017, 07:07 AM
Aug 2017

If I leave, she's going to have to do something. If her son becomes her sole source of support, he will be unreliable at best. This is what I am saying about my own determination and tenacity. When it became crystal clear to me that the power was going to get turned off because of him, I made it necessary to go out and get the money to cover the bill, and I did.

He's not wired that way.

Ilsa

(61,675 posts)
19. I just want to say how sorry I am that
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 03:04 PM
Aug 2017

You are going through this. I'm sure it is heartbreaking, but you need to take care of yourself first, then maybe you can help your girlfriend when she is truly ready.

A word of caution: Be ready for some blowback when you leave, and their finances get worse. They will make it your fault. (It's not.) But you have the right to live in a drug-free environment and for the adult children to be responsible.

Phentex

(16,330 posts)
20. I want to tag along here...
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 05:49 PM
Aug 2017

because it was so well stated. Like Ilsa, I am sorry you are going through this.

Miles Archer

(18,837 posts)
24. Thank you...taking care of myself has been a challenge under this roof.
Tue Aug 29, 2017, 08:26 PM
Aug 2017

And your word of caution is accurate. When I spoke with the pastor a year and a half ago (mentioned elsewhere in this conversation), he predicted what you laid out. I know I'll be painted as the grand bastard of all time. That's the price I'll pay for knowing it is beyond my power to help, beyond my power to change her son, beyond my power to open to eyes what she already sees and knows and feels.

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