Designers Release Latest Harperbot(R)

The ongoing effort to humanize the Harperbot(R) Remote-controlled Synthetic Politician reached a new level last night, when Harperbot(R) 8.0 debuted at the Globe & Mail leaders’ debate. Gone are the slumped shoulders, disheveled thinning hair, pouty lips, and sallow complexion. In their place was a dazzling display of contoured cheekbones, exacting posture, casual hand gestures, and an almost lifelike smile. The newest model, noticeably slimmer and with a Trudeauesque mane of silky silver locks, came closer than ever to achieving the designers’ ultimate goal of replacing all world leaders with undetectable robot replicas that can be remotely controlled from a small number of secure locations within the United States and Europe.

The only visible glitch in the new design was apparent early on, when the Harperbot(R) attempted to convey empathy by referencing a trending news story involving the loss of human life, and expanding that reference into an expression of concern for the family involved. While the effort initially appeared to be an improvement over past models, the current Harperbot(R) moved too quickly onto the next topic — the economy, which admittedly consumes most of its programming — and the transition came across as insincere and inelegant. The designers made what many consider a rookie mistake in their “smile transition” program, failing to provide a sufficient time lag between “sad topic” and “happy topic” transitions. No doubt this will be corrected in Harperbot(R) 9.0, or possibly sooner should world events necessitate a Harperbot(R) 8.1 revision.