Anyone else tire of having to make the first moves all the time?

[Bonobo]

Is this a man's issue? Yeah, I think it probably is.

So, at the risk of being called "Whiny", I bring it to the floor.

This goes for initiating dates, initiating sex, and even being asked to initiate calls for helping people lift baby strollers up stairs.

Seems to me that "initiating" demands a more aggressive approach than simply waiting. And yet there is a hidden trap. Because some percentage of the time you will be rejected, deemed creepy, pushy, or other.

With calls for men to be less aggressive and with that side of male behavior being increasingly run down, where does that leave things?

[Behind the Aegis]

1. I would think it would be exhausting.

Being gay, men always make the first move in my relationships. LOL!

I can imagine it is a precarious situation though for heterosexual men. I have three younger brothers, all straight, and I know they have had their issues approaching women. It can be exhausting for sure.

BTW...thanks for the Channukah wishes. Same to you!

[Warren DeMontague]

2. Yeah, hope you gents had a good time!

It was a pretty big weekend, for us.

[Behind the Aegis]

4. We did. Let's say the whole time was....interesting.

Then again, anytime the entire family is involved, "interesting" is bound to happen. LOL! I am just glad to be home.

[Warren DeMontague]

5. Awesome. Looking forward to hearing the rundown when you're rested up.

Glad it was fun.

[Warren DeMontague]

3. I'm just astounded more people aren't familiar with the Battleship Potemkin reference.

Seriously. Has no one studied the history of Narrative Film? Rosebud is the SLED, people!!!


But in answer to your question; Hmmmm. Probably another one of those things I've happily filed under "married and glad I don't have to worry about anymore".

[Bonobo]

6. Marriage solved the problem?

As for the initiating sex, it sure didn't solve the problem for me.

[Warren DeMontague]

9. Happily married.

That's all I'm sayin'

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

7. Men who don't initiate are those dreaded "nice guys", ya know nt.

[loli phabay]

11. thats why the bastards are much preferred. also a lot of the nice guys and gals are not really

Its a misdirection and manipulation, you see it a lot even here where people chime in with support for a cause andbyou can get the vibenthat its all about getting the pat on the head so to speak.

[lumberjack_jeff]

8. It would be a problem for me but I'm fortunate to have married a woman who prefers to initiate.

she has no problem asking for what she wants, and I dig that. I hate having to guess.

[loli phabay]

12. lol, i can see it now, jeff get your head in the spin dryer, yes there is a dead badger in there

Just do as your told.

[Warren DeMontague]

13. This is quite possibly

The greatest thing I have read in nearly 10 years on DU.

i can go home, now.

[loli phabay]

14. yeah i read it on a forum by a guy whose wife actually did it before ahem doing something else

He was genuinely confused and was asking if she was a pervert, lol. Most people just told him he was a lucky man and to learn to love the badger and as he put it the dildo of discipline. Roflmao. He was very perplexed.

[lumberjack_jeff]

16. ROFL!

Not quite that direct.

[loli phabay]

17. then you need to introduce her to some dominatrix porn, you never know it might change your life

Now i dont know if it would be for the better or not but it would be a hell of a change.

[In_The_Wind]

18. shhh

Too many men never go back once they've known a Dominatrix.

[Eleanors38]

10. As the 60s turned into the 70s, dating rituals broke down.

And what formalities regarding approaches, lead-time, who goes first, etc. went by the wayside. During this time, a somewhat longer conversation at a party or between classes would often suffice for a "let's get together" moment. As for initiating sex, at least half the time I was getting unzipped first.

All this may have changed as I now consider myself something of an outlier in mating practices, having some time ago entered a New 60s! Complete with Medcare and SS.

[loli phabay]

15. well it all depends on the male and female, contrary to some beliefs there are still women.who enjoy

Being pursued and the thrill of the hunt so to speak, and conversely guys who are the other way. It all depends on the individual, and each to their own i suppose.

[ElboRuum]

19. I have been fortunate in this regard...

The women in my age bracket seem to feel that it is fine for them to be the initiator. I'd say that half of the relationships I've been in have been initiated by me, and half by the other. Moreover, the relationship itself, once initiated, regardless of whom initiated, have tended to be balanced and more or less equitable in terms of what was to happen within them.

I've never been a fan of the characterization of initiation of conversation as a prelude to a potential relationship as "aggression". Someone must step forward and be first, risking the rejection or being termed "creepy" or "pushy", else no relationship could exist. If we are to use the term aggressive when describing the courting process from the standpoint of the one who initiates, and if there are calls form men to be "less aggressive", then where are the scads of women jumping on the opportunity to fill the void that will ostensibly be created? The silence is deafening. This is why your are correct in that it is still a man's issue (although, by this time it should be less so than before). And I don't blame women one bit for not clamoring to step into that role. It's a sucky role to be in.

The fact of the matter is that the initiator bears all of the social and emotional risk. Most people, given a choice to receive/rebuff an advance or to make the advance would choose the former, because it has two advantages.

1. You know immediately that the person likes you.
2. You have the right of acceptance or refusal, therefore the power in the exchange is yours, allowing you to suit yourself without assuming any emotional risk from an unfavorable outcome.

Having experienced both, I can honestly say that I prefer to be approached.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

20. Where do you live that is socially stuck in a Grade 6 dance in 1960?

I can't say a lot of women have asked me out on formal dates, but a few including my longtime girlfriend did. However they haven't been shy about trying to initiate other things either verbally or physically. Which quite frankly in most circumstances I don't tend to appreciate. There are a number of women I dread traveling with for work because that seems to be when they get their courage up.

So much of the complex interpersonal dynamic stuff that is posted around here just baffles me because I have just never seen this stuff come up in real life.

[opiate69]

22. To answer your question, bonobo lives in Japan...

So yeah, definitely different cultural norms at work there.

[MineralMan]

21. I've never been the initiator all the time.

In my case, things have been pretty well balanced throughout my life. A guy can just wait a bit, and that often works as well, or better. In fact, I met both of the women I have married when they initiated the first contact. Just wait and it will happen.