Gentle Men & Abusive Women: A Lethal Pairing Nobody Wants to Talk About

[Bonobo]

Dr. Jed Diamond shares his personal story, and his hard-earned insights, about being an abused man in a relationship.

When most of us think of the word “gentle” we often picture a caring and supportive woman and when we think of “abusive” we picture an angry, out of control man. But as the classic Gershwin’s song reminds us, “It ain’t necessarily so.”

Men can be abused by women, and some of these men don’t survive the encounter. I was one of the lucky ones. I got out in time, but I almost lost my life in the process.

Like all abusive relationships, things alternated between heaven and hell. There were times that we were higher than high. We were sure things had changed and we were finally on the road to recovery. At other times things got ugly. After one of our fights we got ready for bed. Rita was still livid at something I had said and looked at me with such hatred it chilled my soul. She took a knife out of the drawer and smiled at me. “Pleasant dreams,” she said. I never closed my eyes the whole night.

I came to realize that women can be as abusive as men and that men’s self-esteem can be undermined to such a degree that we lose our sense of self and become addicted to the cycle of abuse and desire. We long for a better life, but we need help to find to help. Help to find that better life. The help starts when we begin to talk about what’s really going on. I’m still talking and would enjoy hearing from others who have had similar experiences or are touched by what I’ve shared.

[Major Nikon]

1. I've known two different guys that were heavily abused by their wives

One in particular was pretty soft spoken and meek. I noticed on two different occasions he came in to work with scratches and bruises on his face from being beaten pretty badly. His wife would come into work occasionally and was clearly a tyrant. I've also known other guys that had wives that threatened to cut them up in their sleep. People seem to think when domestic violence is aimed at men it's funny. It's no more funny than when it's aimed at women. People who have to live through it are terrorized.

[JNelson6563]

2. It is all horrible but there is a difference.

I think the difference is why people have a hard time understanding female abuse of male. The difference is that men are bigger & stronger than women (in most cases).

Julie

[Bonobo]

3. Yes, it's true. That IS a difference (usually).

Men are stronger and bigger (except when they are sleeping or when they woman is, in fact, stronger -which does happen).

But it is only at the extremes of abuse that this matters, I think, and most abuse -let's face it- falls within the range where bigger and stronger makes that much of a difference.

If a large powerful man used their full strength, a woman could be easily hurt and would be. So when such full strength is used, it is clear who comes out on the losing side.

As a result, most abusive men probably do not use their full strength. That does not make it any less abusive. If a man hits a woman with half strength, it is just as much abuse as if he did it with full strength or quarter strength.

And a woman, being smaller, is probably more likely to use all their strength, safe in the knowledge that even full strength will not do permanent damage.

Still, abuse is abuse is abuse and the scars lie at least as much in the fear and emotional realm as in the physical.

[JNelson6563]

4. Yes, agreed on all points.

And then there is the realm of psychological abuse which can be even worse than physical (and the playing field is level).

Julie

[Bonobo]

5. Well said.

And psychological abuse is the easiest to hide and occurs M to M, W to W, M to W, W to M, Adult to child, Child to adult, etc.

Humans can suck when they are trying to cause injury.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

6. Furthermore, the majority of men have it ingrained to never, ever lay hands on a woman....

....even in self-defense. I know I couldn't do it. I don't know what product of what "culture" that is, but it is what it is.

[MicaelS]

7. And if a man defends himself with his full strength...

He will be the one who more than likely goes to jail, before the woman.

[Gore1FL]

8. My ex was quite violent at times.

I had plenty of bruises from her.