The 18 year old son of my cousin confided in me he thinks he's gay

[no_hypocrisy]

and is terribly conflicted on a couple of levels.

First, he's not sure he's gay. Then, he's very religious and thinks he's seriously sinning and feels very guilty. Self hate. And no support from friends (he's in North Carolina) who tell him to pray it away. And none from his mother who thinks it's a phase.

He's going to college in several weeks and new opportunities.

Can anyone give me advice on what to tell him? I want him to find out on his own terms if he's gay and regardless, to be happy with his identity.

I've already told him there are several churches that support gay rights and even counsel youth, albeit not as prevalently in the South.

He's losing sleep and lost his focus in school.

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks!

[DetlefK]

1. Finding out whether he's gay is the easiest part.

He's 18, so get him some pics of naked attractive women and some pics of naked attractive men. Then leave him alone for a few days. He will know what to do.

And there are some usual talking-points for the religious component:
- Jesus left no opinion on gays.
- We skip many parts of biblical rules we are not comfortable with, so why should we stick with the "death-to-homos"-rule?
- ...

Maybe there are gay civil-rights-groups or so around that he could talk with. (Or online.) Just talking. He could find out that homosexuals aren't evil and therefore that he is not evil.

[LuvNewcastle]

2. Tell him being gay is perfectly natural.

People have been having same-sex relations as long as there have been people.

Tell him the Bible says a lot of things that people ignore. They eat shrimp, they get divorced. Let him know that what he's been taught about the Bible is one-sided, and there are many ways to interpret it. The Bible is certainly not the only source for spirituality, anyway. If he chooses to continue to go to church, there are some denominations that would welcome him. The Episcopal church, for one, seems to be full of people who are very accepting.

Tell him he shouldn't lose sleep over this. There's nothing he can do about it; there isn't any choice in the matter. Whether he's straight, gay, or bisexual, he's going to have to accept it and just be the best person he can be.

Tell him that the people who love him will love him regardless. Some people might reject him, some will be accepting, and some people won't like it but they'll eventually come around. He should surround himself with those who love him and stay away from those who judge him. If he treats others with respect, he'll get respect in return.

[Ian David]

3. You should start here...

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=john+fugelsang+jesus+and+gays&oq=john+fugelsang+jesus+and+gays

and here

And here

http://www.bestoftheleftpodcast.com/category/gay-rights/

[durbin]

4. Tell him he's probably not the only one heading off to college and

confronting this issue. Indeed, there are probably more at the college he's attending.

If he's concerned that he might be gay, he's probably gay or bisexual. Heterosexual young men don't spend hours worrying about this. They think about it for five minutes, until they see the next pretty picture of a woman, and forget they ever questioned it.

Going to a religious college is not the best solution, for sure, but you've done well to tell him about other faiths that accept gay folks into their fold. Perhaps you can find one and introduce him to it at a Sunday service or a less formal event at such a church sometime in the next few months.

If worst comes to worst, and he cannot find any support or work through the issue in the next few months, concentrating upon his studies and not dealing with his sexuality for a few months isn't a permanent solution, but may be the best avenue until he feels happy with his college studies and what he is accomplishing academically; in other words, being a "nerd" for a while is not the worst thing in the world.

[AndyA]

5. Here's what I'd tell your cousin's son

Explain that being gay is not a choice, it's the same as being born with red hair, or brown eyes, or being likely to have certain health problems in old age. It's in the genetics.

Also, tell him that he may think he has to deal with this right here and now, but that he really doesn't. At 18, he still has the majority of his life ahead of him, and he should be concentrating on his education and setting himself up to succeed in life.

Advise him to not worry about it too much, because it's a natural thing, it will work itself out. He should not feel guilty about his sexual orientation, regardless of what it is. At some point, it will become clear to him if he just relaxes and lets it happen.

If he seeks out counseling, it might help him to not worry about it so much. As for the religious aspect, there are many things in The Bible that are pretty much ignored today, and the organized religions pick and choose which things they want to ignore, and which things they don't. Jesus didn't say anything about being gay, and since it's a natural thing, how could it be wrong?

He's very fortunate that you've taken an interest in this. Remind him that he can always talk to you if he needs to.

[Lex]

6. It's not like a major in college: you don't have to "declare" yourself anything.

You don't have to decide which you are or hang any kind of label on yourself at all. As someone said above, it will all work itself out because it is a natural, organic process.

HOWEVER, the most damaging part of this is that religious poisoning is making him feel bad about himself. Going off to college in a few weeks he should have opportunities to join in with groups that won't judge him. Encourage him to seek out those groups on campus. There are usually religious based LGBT groups on most campuses if he still wants to embrace religion as a part of his identity.

[no_hypocrisy]

7. Thank you all for good ideas and advice.

[Libertas1776]

8. Is he at least...

going to a big state university like UNC, or perhaps even better, out of state for college? I'd breath easy if that were the case, lots of opportunity to explore oneself and others, broaden one's mind, and most importantly meet other people just like you in an open minded, accepting setting. Just curious, cuz I would hope he wouldn't be going to some podunk little bible college or something.

[Lex]

10. Good point. nt

[Fearless]

9. Tell him he needs to find his comfort zone.

Ignore all labels... gay, straight, etc... Just be yourself and let the real you shine through. Whoever that is is completely natural and completely good. Not evil. Not sinful. Not now not ever. Period.

[NCLefty]

11. How to tell if you're gay...

I've always felt that telling if your gay is surprisingly easy: are you sometimes sexually attracted to the same sex (as in, you fantasize about them during special time)? If you answered yes, you're at least bisexual. Now, are you sometimes sexually attracted to the opposite sex (again, what's in your head during special time)? Based on the answers to those 2 questions, it should be readily apparent on a logical level

Tell him that if he IS gay, you will still love and support him, and that it's the best time EVER to be gay in this country, and that he will be a happy person who can find someone to love, have a family if he wants, etc.

Dealing with the religious issues will likely be the most problematic, but the Episcapol church should be VERY welcoming and affirming, and at the least give him some different ways to think about himself and his relationship with religion and God.

This article talks about a lot of the strange things people ignore in the bible while condemning gay people: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/neale-donald-walsch/buffet-style-bible-believers_b_3374774.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay%20Voices

He needs to understand that the bible is interpreted and there are umpteen hundred-thousand ways of doing that. Hopefully he doesn't receive religious-based judgment from his family. That may also be quite tough but we know he has you at least

Good luck to you both.

EDIT: I'm sorry that he's here in NC. It's not the best place to be gay at the moment but they WILL repeal Amendment 1 eventually and this current crop of righties who are steering the ship won't be here forever (and they do NOT speak for all of America).