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Sun Aug 11, 2013, 01:49 PM

Al-anon checking in here.

Just need to vent for a moment, and will talk to my sponsor later as well.

My mother has some heath issues and is staying with me to visit her DR as
she lives out of town. What I should have seen is that she was going to be non compliant with
what the DR etc...needs her to do. And you know what? If she doesn't want to comply with that...
that's fine...her body, her life.....but I also don't have to sit here and watch her self destruct.
She's not an alcoholic nor an addict, but I'm tired of watching her hurt herself through other behavior.
I'm done.

The short version. I've been in Al-anon for quite a few years...steps, sponsors, meetings...etc....
and thank goodness for it. It really saved my ass.

My dad is the one that qualifies me. He's 70 and still drinks. (just for clarification my parents have been divorced for years)

My mom...here's the deal...
she's an untreated al-anon, really needs OA, but refuses to go...
and to my recovery's credit, don't ask her to go...

Finally last month she had gastric sleeve surgery because she was 350lbs and had to do it to save her life...
Also, she has really bad sleep apnea...and without going into a long drawn out story...
she's got heart issues and not wearing her cpap machine is dangerous. She's been on the thing
for about two years maybe.

One time, right after she got the machine (she lives out of town from me) she showed up without her machine.
I told her that that was not ok with me, and if she wanted to come stay with me she had to bring her machine.
She understood and brought and used her machine afterwords, at least while she was here.
I have no idea what she does when she's not here. And I don't ask...none of my business.

Well, this time, she brought her machine...and I had no idea she was not using it.
I am so tired of watching her hurt herself. And you know what, I don't care anymore if she thinks I'm being mean.
I've watched her hurt herself for 40 years and I'm not doing it anymore.
I told her to use the machine or go. This morning when I wake up, she's still asleep...and no machine.
This morning I was honest with her in saying that I'm tired of her watching her hurt herself and she has to go because I'm not going
to watch it it any more. I still don't think she gets it. And...it's not my part to help her get it.
I'm just not going to watch her self destruct anymore.

I wouldn't let anyone use or abuse drugs or alcohol in my house, why would I want to watch her implode and
act like it's ok to be non compliant? She tried to chit chat while she was packing as if everything was sunshine and rainbows.
I told her to stop acting like nothing is wrong.
At that point she wanted to argue with me. I told her I'm not arguing and she could go.

She just left.

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Arrow 6 replies Author Time Post
Reply Al-anon checking in here. (Original post)
MrsBrady Aug 2013 OP
dixiegrrrrl Aug 2013 #1
MrsBrady Aug 2013 #2
Old Codger Aug 2013 #3
MrsBrady Aug 2013 #4
Old Codger Aug 2013 #5
MrsBrady Aug 2013 #6

Response to MrsBrady (Original post)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 03:12 PM

1. Seems to be about food addiction, denial and untreated co=dependency, to my ears.

Thankfully Al-Anon helps people understand the futility of attacking someone's denial, other than in an intervention.
I am sure your sponsor will use words such as..powerlessness, and resentments.

(FWIW, I have years of experience personally and professionally in addictions treatment and recovery issues.)

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #1)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 03:51 PM

2. I know I can't change her. I know she's in denial.

But I also don't have to watch her hurt herself.

Of course it's food addiction.

Thanks

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Response to MrsBrady (Original post)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 04:16 PM

3. It is sad

 

It is hard to watch anyone self destruct, all any of us can do is remember that we cannot change anyone but ourselves... Serenity Prayer comes in handy under these conditions...

Good Luck and take care of you.

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Response to Old Codger (Reply #3)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 04:53 PM

4. Thank you.

I remember I can't change me, but God can.

I'm doing what I need to do for me, and thank you for the reminder.
Self care is probably the hardest thing, but it's the #1 thing.

I'm working on an outside issue thing for artistic types so it's already kicking my butt in making me take
care of myself. Not easy, but it feels good to take care of me.

Thanks

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Response to MrsBrady (Reply #4)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 10:17 PM

5. Always have to remember

 

That we (all of us) are no good to anyone if we are not taking care of ourselves first...

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Response to Old Codger (Reply #5)

Sun Aug 11, 2013, 10:40 PM

6. yes, that is so true

and
I have to work with the mother I have, not the mother I want.

Luckily, I was able to keep to the boundary I had set with her.
It wasn't easy, but thank goodness...recovery lets me set safe boundaries.
Thank goodness for my sponsor, too.

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