Suicide hit the mind today

[vercetti2021]

I woke up in one of the darkest moments I've had in years. Everything hit me at once. Not being accepted because of my body, being annoying and overbearing to others. Always trying my hardest to be involved in other people's lives I really love, my weight (400), my testosterone issues, losing my job because of a scare at work, not seeing people I love and well being isolated.

I came close to bottles of meds. You can imagine why I got rid of my guns. Someone like me shouldn't have never owned one. I'm struggling hard and I turn to here. My mother is what prevents me from going through with it. I can't imagine the pain I'd inflict on her. But I hate this war and I want it to be over.

[Rorey]

1. One moment at a time

I know it's tough, and you're right about your mother. I'm a mom, so I know.

[vercetti2021]

21. Exactly

I hide it from her all the time. Shes got enough worries over this pandemic

[Laffy Kat]

2. It will pass, vercetti2021, it will pass.

And you will know happiness again. You are loved. Is there anyone you can call right now?

[vercetti2021]

20. I didn't want to bother anyone

Family doesn't know and a few friends know but I didn't want to bother them

[3catwoman3]

39. I'm going to guess that your friends who know would very much...

...want you to "bother" them.

[vercetti2021]

41. True

But I'm already a burden on them anyway

[3catwoman3]

46. It would be a much worse burden if you...

...took an irrevocable action and they were left grieving and wishing you had reached out.

Call them!

[Amaryllis]

47. Being home alone, I look for things to do to feel useful to someone; things that don't require .

breaking social isolation. I have made it a point to reach out by phone to any friends I know who might need to know someone is thinking about them and cares about them. One friend is in a particularly difficult situation right now, and when I told her she could always call me, she didn't have to wait for me to call her, she said she didn't want to burden me. I told her that it wasn't a burden at all; on the contrary, it lets me feel like I am being useful to someone, like I am contributing something to others, so she is actually helping me if she reaches out when she needs support.

So may I suggest that they may actually welcome you reaching out to them? It's hard to believe when you are depressed that anyone would welcome that, but they would probably be glad you reached out and happy to support you.
That's the depression talking when you assume that reaching out will bother them.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I am glad you're reaching out to us.

There is almost always someone here.

Have you considered calling a suicide hotline? Or maybe you have a therapist you could talk to?

You need professional help and we can't really do that, though we'd like to.

You matter! Please get help.

[vercetti2021]

22. I have a therapist

It's a tele medicine. That's all I can afford. I've been trying to get help for years. Normally I can be okay. But yesterday and today just made me feel so worthless

[Rorey]

4. California Peggy is right. You DO matter.

I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that I actually looked for your name during the Valentine's heart thing here so I could give you one.


We DO care.

[vercetti2021]

23. You did?

Thank you. You know my history with this. I'm okay for the most part but yesterday and today are different. I don't know how to feel

[Liberty Belle]

5. Please hang in there. Things can turn around, more quickly than you think.

The isolation is temporary. Find friends or family to call every day. Call a suicide hotline if you need more help.

You may wind up with a much better job -- I've been laid off and so has my husband. Both were times of despair but in the end we both wound up better off.

I used my time off, during which I was pregnant, to write my first novel and wound up become a freelance journalist -- I never took another real job again.

My husband never missed the jerky people he was working for and wound up in a better place.

I once talked a friend out of suicide when all seemed as dark as it could get. Her ex-husband had killed their children. She thought she was too old to have more. I promised her not to do anything for at least a year. One year later, she had remarried a wonderful man and given birth to twins!

Maybe take life one step at a time. Long-term perhaps you can work on the weight with a good doctor, diet, gastric bypass, Weight Watchres etc if you want to trim down. But for now, focus on getting through quarantine and finding something positive to focus on

Is there something you always wished you had time to do? Take up painting, learn a musical instrument, or just get the house cleaned up? Set little goals each day. Update your resume. Apply for unemployment insurance. See if your car insurance and utilities will lower your bills. Negotiate with your landlord or mortgage company to get payments reduced or delayed.

And if those meds aren't ones prescribed currently, throw them away to avoid the temptation to take too much.

It's good that you thought about your Mom. She needs you now ore than ever, in these difficult times. Be there for her.

[vercetti2021]

31. Oh God

Your poor friend. I couldn't handle that. I'm glad she was able to get a miracle from waiting thanks to you. You're an angel.

I do paint actually. I've posted some of my work here. But I'm out of paint and I don't have really any money for more. Just having something to do is good yes. I worked and it helped me stay focused. But someone did test positive for covid. So we all got the furloughed.

But I only own a car and the insurance. I moved home a long time ago because well...yeah mistakes in life.

Meds I only take testosterone at the moment. No anti depressants

[Liberty Belle]

69. Try homemade paints! There are lots of videos and recipes on youtube now.

Here is one of them, using cheap ingredients you probably have in your pantry:

I've seen others that use things like beet juice or carrot juice as dyes.

[vercetti2021]

70. Is it cheaper?

Like I can't afford really much now. I had to move back to my parents

[StTimofEdenRoc]

6. I use procrastination to ward it off, what do I gotta get done so my family wont have to deal with

My life is a disorganized mess, so when I list what has to get done, and start working on it....

Anyway that is what works for me ,hope yow can find what works for you.

[vercetti2021]

32. Just doing stuff?

That keeps you going? Little things?

[lunasun]

7. Hang in there. Love yourself and who you are. A good time for introspection but don't let it lead

to dark thoughts during these isolating times . Your mom needs you alive and don’t need that . Maybe contact her if possible to reinforce that . Yes guilt pain questions confusion is what I have heard from those who have lost a loved one that way . Hold on as this war will pass
plus as someone I know who had those thoughts but did not act said when I asked what stopped them they said at the last minute they decided to stick around and see what happened next instead . I was surprised a simple thought like that would have changed them half way into death . But sometimes overthinking is not the key imo
Stick around

[vercetti2021]

33. Thank you

I'm trying today is looking to be more difficult

[ZZenith]

8. Let it pass on through your mind then, vercetti2021.

I understand the urge but for myself I’ve determined that the world’s gonna have to kill me, I’m not gonna do its dirty work for it.

Sometimes you have to stay alive just to spite the injustice of life.

[vercetti2021]

34. Trying to

The world just put me in this spot. Fate is cruel mistress

[Dem2theMax]

9. It's time for some serious self-care.

First off -- You are worthy of everything just by the fact that you ARE.

So much of what you are experiencing right now is totally out of your control. A whole lot of people are going through this together. You need to give yourself permission to let go of the things you can't control.

Here is something you absolutely can do.
Imagine a scale of 1 to 10, one being your absolutely lowest point, 10 being the best you have ever felt.

Obviously, when you woke up this morning, you were at a one. Your goal is to get to a three. That can pull you out of the danger zone. Find something, anything that will help you pull your mood up a few points. You do not have to reach a 10. Just get yourself up a few points. That gets you out of the danger zone, and gives you some breathing room.

Do anything that will lift you up a little bit. For me, it's listening to some music that calms me down, or makes me remember a happy time. Or I watch something on TV that can either distract me or make me laugh. Laughing produces really good endorphins. Spend some time in the DU Lounge. There is so much silly going on in there, and it is sure to make you laugh.

I woke up this morning pretty down myself. And it took half the day to pull myself up to a point where I could actually get out of a chair and do something. And the thing that got me there was laughing. I spent the morning on DU, reading all the silly things, watching all the funny videos, listening to music that people had posted online, and my mood finally came up enough to help me get through the rest of the day.

If you can just get your mood up a little bit, you might feel more apt to reach out to someone who can help you. Your doctor, a psychologist or psychiatrist. They are all doing phone sessions right now. Insurance is allowing it.

I've been where you are more times than I want to remember. If I can crawl out of that black hole the number of times I have, you can too. Believe me. Hang on to us until you can hang onto yourself. And reach out for real world help. You matter. You count. And I hope you can feel the hugs I am sending your way.

[vercetti2021]

36. Thank you

That's very inspiring to get by a bad day.

[Marie Marie]

10. When these thoughts hit you, reach out!

There are crisis intervention and suicide hot lines and you should never be hesitant to use them. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to (in THAT moment) can turn things around. And, like many above have said, we at DU are always here -24/7, and we DO care.

[vercetti2021]

35. Thank you

I just don't really want to bother people here I mean we have a lot bigger worries going on than just somebody random being depressed and suicidal

[appalachiablue]

11. You matter vercetti, and this will pass. Pls try to speak to

someone at a hotline, just talking to another helpful person means so much.

Let us know how you're doing and take care. Hugs!

[vercetti2021]

30. Thank you

Next few days will be hardest. I woke up feeling the same way today

[BigmanPigman]

12. This is the 2nd post on DU tonight that is about this same subject.

I Googled some info to help out the other person and will share it with you too. Please go to this link since it has tons of various solutions for anything and everything that is going through your mind at this time.

https://mhanational.org/covid19
"Mental Health And COVID-19 – Information And Resources"

I know I have seen numerous ads on TV for help if you are a resident of CA but this link is for anyone, anywhere. You are far from alone and experienced people have a lot of help for you 24/7. Please, check it out!

[vercetti2021]

28. It's like a plague

Its gonna get worse for those with depression. Isolated from others and not having work preys on the mind. I have for a week now. I feel for that other user. I hope they are okay.

[LovingA2andMI]

13. If You Get Feeling Like That Again, Call Here:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255. I know how you feel as I was there myself last week. They helped.

VIRTUAL -

[vercetti2021]

29. Thank you

I'm saving this number because the next couple of days are gonna be bad.

[LovingA2andMI]

49. You're Welcome....

VIRTUAL

[SunSeeker]

14. We all need you and want you here.

You're perfectly imperfect like the rest of us.

Keep writing and posting and we'll get through these tough times together.

[vercetti2021]

27. I'm trying

Though I'm terrible at writing. I just read a lot of articles.

[SunSeeker]

48. You express yourself very well here. Keep it up.

[lillypaddle]

15. Even though we are almost all isolated now

You are not alone. These are hard AND depressing times. Have you shared your feelings with a doctor you trust? Have you been in touch with a suicide hotline? Maybe talking it out with someone who understands and is not judgmental would help.

Friend, don't give up on yourself or the rest of the world. Sunnier days are ahead, we just all have to hang in there.

[vercetti2021]

26. I have yes

They want to put me on medication again. Last time i nearly killed myself with sleeping pills. It made me worse. I don't talk to people about it because I'm embarrassed and don't want to bother em. A hotline I have done numerous times but I'm afraid of them calling the police and my mom would find out

[orleans]

16. you just passed your tenth anniversary here on du

this fall will make my 16th year (from what i remember)

one of the many things i have learned from du (and i'm pretty sure you've learned it too since you'e been around for so long) is that we are not alone. and i don't just mean that in a supportive-group kind of way.

i mean whatever it is that we are thinking or feeling or doing there are other people thinking, feeling, and doing the same thing. every now and then someone will admit to it.

for years i have occasionally said, during conversations with my adult daughter or my close friends, "and i know i'm not the only one who thinks this way" or "feels this way" or "is doing this." and that's because of what du has shown me across these years.

so i want to tell you--you are not the only one thinking this way or feeling this way. i have been sharing some of those thoughts right along with you lately. when my mom died ten years ago i went into a very dark place and stayed there for years. i'm not saying i'm back in that same place again, but i feel myself moving toward it once in awhile lately.

and while your mother is stopping you i guess it's my daughter that is stopping me. that, and the fact that i believe we continue to have an awareness after we die. so i would be aware of the hurt and suffering i brought to my daughter, and while she might intuitively know i was sorry to have hurt her, she would not audibly hear me telling her i am so absolutely fucking sorry.

i have thought, on several occasions lately, that if it gets bad-bad there's a hotline i can call. i don't feel like i'm there yet but it's there for me if i need it.

it's there for you too.

btw--what i wouldn't give to be able to say "my mother is what prevents me from going through with it." ... "my mother is..." present tense. i wish i was fortunate enough to be able to say those words but i'm not. and i think you know how lucky you are that you *can* start a sentence with the words "my mother is."

hang on to that.

you're not alone.

[vercetti2021]

25. Yeah

I get where you're coming from. If I had a child I couldn't do it because I would have something to live for. I would make sure my child felt loved and happy so they wouldn't follow my path. Their dad would love them to death and encourage them. That's a privilege I never got. My dad was mentally abusive to me.

[Clash City Rocker]

43. But you have people who value you here

And elsewhere, I’m certain. The danger of depression is that it drives you to underestimate your worth to other people, but everyone has value to other people, whether they acknowledge it or not. If everyone knew how important they were in this world, there probably would be no suicides.

[diva77]

17. Great advice from people in this thread! I found a site that might be fun to join -

https://www.weightlossbuddy.com/indexactive.aspx I don't know anything about it, but it sounds like it's worth exploring. Hang in there -- lots of people love you

[vercetti2021]

24. Thank you

I'll try it out. Though mine is more of a bad eating disorder than anything

[irisblue]

18. Vercetti, please check in.

[vercetti2021]

19. I'm here

Having another day like yesterday. Once I lost my job all my time is thinking now

[irisblue]

45. We are glad you checked in. Stay safe, do not harm yourself.

Can you check in with your therapist?

[I_UndergroundPanther]

37. I'm sad you are

Going through such a hard time.
Take care and know your mom and freinds love you.

[vercetti2021]

57. Truth

The reason I haven't done is because of my mom

[cayugafalls]

38. Can you call your therapist? You said up thread it was tele-medicine.

Sometimes that can help. If you can't call them now, then focus on what you want to say to the therapist when you do call. Write it down. Make a list. If it is to hard to write, then make the list in your mind. Focus on their voice comforting you.

You deserve to be happy. Focus on those people you love.

Try living moment to moment.

I know each day is a struggle, so break it into smaller more manageable pieces, moments. Think about making something to eat, or doing some small task, like the list. Then recognize your accomplishment and praise yourself for doing something positive.

Your posting on DU for help is one example. Feel good that you reached out! Praise yourself! That was hard, yet you did it! I am proud of you! You are strong and smart.

Stay well and keep us informed, we are here.

cayugafalls

[vercetti2021]

58. I'm working on it

I think Thursday when I have my appointment with her I think we're going to be talking a lot of stuff that's going on deep down

[cayugafalls]

60. I am glad you talk to her on Thursday. I talk to mine on Wednesday.

We all need someone to talk to someone sometimes.

People like us can be hard on ourselves. I know I am very hard on myself. I'm my own worse critic. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I know you can learn to be kinder to yourself as well. You deserve to be happy and there are people who love you.

I am just coming out of several months of darkness and torment.

You can do this. You can succeed.

I believe in you.

[vercetti2021]

61. Do you use better help?

Because like I do because it's more cheaper and I can't afford a in person visit anymore because my insurance company doesn't cover me

[cayugafalls]

63. No, I do not use Betterhelp, but I hear they are great!

I have a therapist locally who went to telemedicine after Covid outbreak. I will probably switch to Betterhelp when my insurance runs out.

[vercetti2021]

64. Can I recommend a therapist?

Look for dr. Beaver she's actually a really good therapist and she's really understanding if you switch to better help

[cayugafalls]

65. Thank you.

When I get to that point, I'll consider it.

[vercetti2021]

66. Awesome

Shes hilarious and funny. Reason I love her so much

[handmade34]

40. DO Not Harm yourself!!

I am a mom who lost a step son last year (drug overdose... suicide?)... another son was in an accident with a TBI... his longtime girlfriend broke up with him a few months ago... I told him outright not to harm himself and I'm telling you the same... online friends and support are good... a phone call is good... giving yourself another few minutes, another few hours and then days...

[vercetti2021]

55. Yeah

That's always very difficult just The Break-Up stuff. That can easily destroy somebody from a broken heart

[lettucebe]

42. I don't know you but I care about you. Stay safe and hug your mom

[vercetti2021]

56. Hi

I'm vercetti. But real name is Shane.

[Lulu KC]

44. You are self-aware--a blessing and a curse right now

There is a book, The Upward Spiral by Alex Korb.

He is a neuroscientist, and writes scientific fact in a readable format. It is simple, one step at a time, but not Pollyannaish at all. Your darkness is real, but so is the light that is not that far away if we can get ourselves pointed towards it. (I'm going to get my copy off the shelf right now! Thanks for helping me realize that I'm getting closer to the edge--as are zillions of other people in the world.)

I have shared it with several friends over the years who have found themselves in that pit of hopelessness and despair. If you are aware enough to know that you are there, or falling fast, you can start the climb out. Just one step at a time.

You are not alone! Even people who have distanced themselves from "mental health issues" are facing new shadows, and it's a lousy time to have weight issues! Everyone's overeating--and everyone's lying around--as if it's a party. If these are things that have made your life a living hell, it's no party.

You are not alone.

[vercetti2021]

53. Truth be told

My weight ended up putting me in the hospital last year. I came close to dying from sepsis. So it was my 3rd brush with death.

Like I said I was afraid to tell anybody because I have a friend who gets very triggered by depression and suicide because she's dealt with loss and a few brushes with suicide herself and it's very hard to bring it up to anybody I've just buried it

[mopinko]

50. hang in there my friend.

we are here. we care. it's a dark time. we are all scared, and we all have too much time on our hands right now. it's a bad combo.

[vercetti2021]

51. Thank you

I'm doing a little bit better today I think it was a lot of good news coming out of the governors are doing and Wisconsin it gives me a little bit of Hope

[appalachiablue]

52. How's it going, vercetti? Just checking in to say hi. Give

a shout if you need some company, ok?

[vercetti2021]

54. I'll always take the company

I love chatting

[appalachiablue]

59. Good, good. How's your weather, and do you like walks

and the outdoors much? How about pets? Are you a vet by chance?

Where I am it's gorgeous with all trees and blossoms in full spring splendor which helps cushion the scary reality of you know what. And getting out, some exercise is great for body and mind as we know.

Music which I love is supposed to increase pleasant brain chems like dopamine and I believe it.

Any kind of art or creative activity is always beneficial for well being, even for folks that don't excel--woodworking, cooking, photography, gardening and much more.

I had 2 dogs but am currently petless and may adopt.

[vercetti2021]

62. Well I'll run it down for you

Yes I have two dogs one is a pit mix other ones a lab mix. Both are rescue animals what has been severely abused but he's actually a lot better now he's a lot more comfortable. I'm not a vet by any means I would not be comfortable with that. But I'm not really a big outdoorsy person I mean I love going outside but I'm so fair-skinned is that I burn so easily and well where I live it's just very humid and hot in the summer at least.

Yesterday it was like 80 degrees right now it's 28 and snowing that is our area in a nutshell.

But when it comes to Art I do paint. I posted works on DU a couple times. You might have to search for that thread though.

And I'm right I'm actually writing a story that I've had in my head for many years I've gotten to issue 3 so far so I'm very happy. Writing really helps me to express those inner demons in my head

[appalachiablue]

67. Painting and you write, that's great for self expression

and helping the mind. My relatives include a few literary types, I love to read but didn't get the strong writing gene.

As far as nature it's plants, gardening & the ocean mainly although I appreciate the beauty & energy of mountains too.

Not a real sun person either, but the tropics I've seen a good deal of and enjoy even as heat/humidity tolerance declines.

When I have time I'll look through the artists group for some of your works.

It's good you have the writing and more, stay well and in touch!

[vercetti2021]

68. It's on DU community

I didn't put it on the art. Didn't t even know this place had a art thread.

But I'm currently writing a story a fantasy story