Why is it so hard to post?

[momto3]

I post here in waves. I find it therapeutic and everyone has always been accepting and non-judgmental. But, when I do not post, it is due to embarrassment. I have always been an introvert. It is hard for me to open up. I have no close friends, only my husband - and even there I often feel distant. I am also a type "A" personality, which is why I am so good at my job as a scientist. But, imperfection, primarily in myself, is hard for me to accept.

I often feel the stigma of mental illness even though most of the people in my life are unaware of my problems. I find it very easy to discuss my daughter's bipolar, but not my own. How can I teach her to be accepting of herself, if I cannot be that way?

Sorry if this is rambling, but I need it this morning.

[mzteris]

1. Because we're afraid.

That even those "like us" in one way or another - will still judge us. Or that others will wander in and read what we've written with no understanding at all of mental health issues.

How many times have I started to write and deleted. How many times have I come in her wanting to write, but then leaving without writing a word. Too numerous to mention.

Sometimes I can't even explain it. Sometimes there's nothing to "explain" just wanting the pain to go away. And I don't know what to say to make that happen.

We have to stop being afraid of mental health issues. The Stigma attached. It is NOT a personal failing. It's usually a chemical issue, and/or result of trauma - sometimes severe trauma - over which we had no control. Those "other people" you know the ones who either are "okay" or THINK they're "okay" may want to blame us for not "just getting over it" or whatever tripe they want to spout. They don't know. They just don't know.

It's like trying to explain to all those white straight males why their slights and injuries have no relationship whatsover to the rampant prejudice and discrimination faced by non-white, non-straight, and/or non-males in society every single minute of every single day. They just don't get it.

Ooops - sorry - off on a rant.

i hate who I am. i try to change. I want to change. yet, i think some part of me is afraid to change - because THEN who'd I BE??

Sometimes seeing it in black and white helps me, sometimes it shames me.

As for my coworkers - they know about my anxiety and OCD issues - how could they not? But most don't know about my depressive episodes. Nor the PTSD symptoms. Nor a lot of the other little -isms. Nor my phsyical health issues. I want them to not be afraid of me. I want them to like me. And I'm afraid if they know, they'll shun me. Run away run away. . . Though I pretty much keep to myself anyway 'cause they pretty much think I'm just "weird'. I think they put it down to my being OLD. lol. I turned 56 yesterday. But everyone else is pretty much young enough to be my kid (if I'd started youngish). . .

Sometimes just reading what others have to say, about their own issues, their own journey, the advice they receive, is enough. Sometimes I, too, must reach out to others who have some possibility of understanding. The people around me? Not so much.

[momto3]

4. Thanks.

You are right. I am afraid. As much as I need the isolation (sometimes), I also need the acceptance of the others around me. I cannot make myself social, although I would like to have a few friends other than my husband. I can't do it. I cannot talk to people. It brings on so much anxiety that I get physically ill. Instead, I end up isolated and people tend to think I am egotistical or "stand offish" when I am really just afraid.

I've always been this way and probably always will.


It has taken me a week to work up the courage to read the replies to this post.

[Neoma]

2. I'm pretty isolate at times.

It's hard to find people that are atheist, liberal, non-fiction bookworms that like video games, sarcasm...and art. (That's okay with listening to my music.) I've found one, and he's my husband. Go figure. But otherwise, close friends are always hard to come by.

I don't mind telling people about my health. I do it sometimes because it's like a competition. "Oh yeah, I can't really top a quadruple bypass I guess..." I've had a lot more than just bipolar going on you see. The last person who I really couldn't top, died. It's a morbid game really unhealthy people play I guess.

Ever feel jealous of healthy people? I've had that happen, depending on how sick I am. I'm like, "Damn those joggers and their fruit and Caesar salads."

Being introvert isn't the most horrible thing in the world, unless it doesn't make you happy. If you're afraid of meeting new people or getting closer to people, it's because it's outside of your normal.

Everyone's normal is different, and some of them are harsher than other peoples normal. But if you need the change, you need the change. Just keep in mind this one thing: you are trading the problems of isolation with the problems of being social. They're different problems, and it takes awhile to adjust to that. It always, ALWAYS, depends on the attitude you take to each set of problems. If I'm alone, I go, hmm... I can read, draw, play video games, or learn how to do something new! If I'm around people, well...you probably already know those problems.

[EFerrari]

3. You might consider that people learn in many different ways

and that some of us just learn more easily through other people. It may be counter-intuitive but through your daughter, you are on a learning curve that may benefit your understanding of your own situation. If that works for you, that's all right imo.

[BlueNinja]

5. I realize this was posted awhile back...

but if you're still around you might look into Avoidant Personality Disorder. While you may not be full-blown AvPD, a lot of what you're describing sounds like what AvPDers go through. There's a good support board called Reticence out there too if you're interested.