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Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:05 PM

Communication breakdown

I had a conversation today
With a friend I am thinking of dropping out of my life.
I have brought this issue up before on DU .

I only get into these arguments with her.
Everyone else I can talk with without this sort of friction.

Her style of speaking feels like browbeating to me she likes to pontificate.

She talks and talks all around her point until I forget what she was talking about. I feel bad about it but she talks all over the map and I am losing focus.

So while she's talking I attempt to reflect back what she says to me as she talks to me and then when I try to acknowledge her she complains I interrupted her .She does not reflect back to me when I talk to her and I try to explain to her that I am getting distracted she gets offended .

It's so hard for me to talk to her like I do with everybody else.

Every time we talk it makes me anxious to even try to point out how she lectures me .

When she calls
I find I dread it. Every time we talk I am hoping it will be peaceful and more equal.
But often it isn't.

I don't know if it's me being wrong or triggered.

Her reply after I asked her to get to the point was excuse me for having a veiwpoint, I can't have a veiwpoint now? I told her saying that that way sounded manipulative. She got mad then she claimed she was using sarcasm.

Well it didn't feel like sarcasm.

So she yelled and lectured at me for 15 minutes. Welp I am incapable of talking to her I guess.

I don't get into these arguments when I talk other people.
It's only with her.
When I talk to anyone else
It goes smoothly and the anxiety isn't there.

Is it me that's the problem?

I have asked her to not share conspirasy theories with me. I asked her to not talk politics because it leads to arguments. When she makes rationalizations for right-wing shit I get irritated and tune out.

Am I wrong for doing this?

She says she's just sticking up for herself she always assumes I denigrate her,
but I am not.

She used to claim that I thought she was stupid I told her over and over that I thought she was intelligent. She has stopped that and realized I think she's intelligent.

I think she's projecting her narcissistic parents on me
on some level and that gets me frustrated and anxious.
When I point out something she said sounds like gaslighting she says I am wrong for feeling that way. I say I misunderstand than she lectures me..and I have to be quiet while she does or she claims I am interrupting her.
But my eyes are glazing over.

Her use of sarcasm can be insulting to me. But she gets insulted if I interpret it this way.

She yells at me from the second I get on the phone when we talk to the point I have to put it on speaker and lay it on the table next to me or my ear is blown off . I don't like being yelled at. She has made excuses when she yells,that I can't hear her when I can. I told her I would ask if I couldn't hear her. But she just yells by default now. That sets me off with anxiety. Before we even get into a conversation.

Today I called her because the weather came on and there was a take shelter warning for our area. I just wanted to relay the info and hang up so we could both be safe..I was in the bathroom with Othello sheltering in place. She tried to discribe an active weather radar map to me verbally. The way she replied was implying I was hysterical but I wasn't I called her because I wanted her to be safe and she has a lot of critters to look after. She confused the living fuck out of me. I told her I would do better if I looked at the map myself and she was offended by that.

I told her I couldn't visualize what she was saying.

We can't have a friendship if our talking styles clash so bad.

After we talk I feel so helpless and frustrated.
It's like banging my head on the wall.
And I wonder is it my fault this happens.

And she claims quite often she is an empath too. A great communicator. That communication is her mission in life.

Yet we can't talk to each other without pissing each other off.

I wish it was different.

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 9 replies Author Time Post
Reply Communication breakdown (Original post)
I_UndergroundPanther Sep 2020 OP
PoliticAverse Sep 2020 #1
jpak Sep 2020 #2
elleng Sep 2020 #3
SheltieLover Sep 2020 #4
chillfactor Sep 2020 #5
vercetti2021 Sep 2020 #6
LakeArenal Sep 2020 #7
ihas2stinkyfeet Sep 2020 #8
I_UndergroundPanther Sep 2020 #9

Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:11 PM

1. There's no obligation to be friends with anyone.

If a "friendship" is making you unhappy why not end it?

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:15 PM

2. She is not your friend

If she makes you feel bad.

She's toxic.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:17 PM

3. 'We can't have a friendship if our talking styles clash so bad' sounds about right.

Difficult as it may be, maybe think about 'dropping' the relationship?

I have a cyber-friend who seems to have a relationship something like you describe here, but it's with his mother, with whom he lives. Sounds AWFUL!


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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:23 PM

4. She sounds toxic

I would distance myself from that crazymaker. She sounds abusive, "pontificating," & yelling at you.

Let her find validation of her perceived superiority elsewhere.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:35 PM

5. I had a friend I have known for 20 years...

she is such a trumpster I finally could not talk with her w/o becoming angry and feeling depressed when I hung up. So I walked away...my mental health has been much better since.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:36 PM

6. My advice is to end it

She sounds like a very big manipulator and a narcissist. I get using sarcasm and humor but when it's used to hurt somebody then forget it

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:41 PM

7. Just take a break. Don't always be the one to make contact.

See if she makes any move.

After a bit, call again and say you been...whatever.

When it goes off the rail set your kitchen timer. Gotta go....

You canít make her different. Accept it or move on.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Thu Sep 3, 2020, 08:41 PM

8. doesnt sound like someone you need or

 

have the strength for.
does sound like she needs you. to dominate.
i wouldnt provide that for love or money.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Fri Sep 4, 2020, 01:54 PM

9. Thank you all for your replies

Thank you.
I will remain distant.
Just let it fade away.

I need new freinds anyway.

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