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Sun Dec 6, 2020, 01:34 AM

I'm tired. So tired

This holiday season I can't even be remotely happy. I'm trying for my mom's sake, but trying to pretend its gonna be okay isn't really doing me any good. I'm becoming more tired and exhausted from it. Even more depressed than I am. Add gender dysphoria on top of if and wanting to start transitioning, but having weight issues holding you back.

Add all the political drama on top of anti masking morons. I'm just so tired. I can't even pull myself out of bed on a day off anymore. Attitudes in the household have gotten worse from collective negative energy.

I'm always talking to my therapist. But it's not enough anymore for me. I'm on the cusp of considering medication again and last time it drove me to my second suicide attempt. But I just want to feel normal again. I want to transition to a woman and be who I am deep down. But I feel so much is holding me back.

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Arrow 19 replies Author Time Post
Reply I'm tired. So tired (Original post)
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 OP
applegrove Dec 2020 #1
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #6
applegrove Dec 2020 #12
LizBeth Dec 2020 #2
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #4
LizBeth Dec 2020 #13
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #16
Laffy Kat Dec 2020 #3
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #5
Laffy Kat Dec 2020 #11
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #15
Laffy Kat Dec 2020 #19
Skittles Dec 2020 #7
renate Dec 2020 #8
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #17
denbot Dec 2020 #9
irisblue Dec 2020 #10
vercetti2021 Dec 2020 #14
irisblue Dec 2020 #18

Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 01:46 AM

1. I had a friend who transitioned to be a women. It was great to run into her

happy in her own skin. Solving one problem after another as a woman which he enjoyed instead of being stuck. I am on meds for ptsd suffered as an adult and find the right meds are heaven. I can only give you ((((Hugs)))). Nobody knows what is going to work for you or what you are up to trying. Please take care. Maybe read some biographies of people who have been through a lot. There is another side to traumas. And like they say: if you are going through hell - keep going!!!

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Response to applegrove (Reply #1)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 02:41 AM

6. Good for her

Glad she felt better in her skin. But I always believed medication for women was more reliable than medication for men. Like not enough testing about how it effects men more...I hate saying that. I hate calling myself a man! I hate it and it bothers me greatly now. It never use to

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #6)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 12:20 PM

12. I think people with brains that are a little female if they are male or a little male if they are

female are the luckyist people around. Not all will be interested in transitioning. Indeed some are gay. Some are straight like me. But i think it is a best of both worlds situation. They are novel in their talents. Embrace that. Discouver that. Along with so much more. ((((HUGS))))

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 01:47 AM

2. Just sitting here with you, in your tired.

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Response to LizBeth (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 02:36 AM

4. Yep I know I'm not the only one

I just can't do it anymore. The holidays don't feel remotely the same anymore. Biden won and I'm grateful for that.

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #4)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 02:39 PM

13. I am fine.

I am sad for you. I am not tired, so I will sit with you, hold your hand, while you rest.

Holidays do not have to be you big deal. I do not do holidays anymore. I am good with that. You are trying to make them something for someone else. While nice, you do not have to feel bad, because they do not hold the same meaning as when you were little. You are in Amarillo Texas living a life that does not gel with Amarillo Texas. That has to be challenging.

Anyway, breathe. Rest. You are not alone.

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Response to LizBeth (Reply #13)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 07:59 PM

16. Its difficult

Being a future transgender woman in a place like this is extremely dangerous on top of frustrating. But yeah it's no where near the same as a child when I didn't worry about anything.

But like I said. My mom absolutely loves Christmas. So I try try try my hardest to put a happy face. Like look at lights, decorate, wrap gifts. But I can't do it this year and I'm resenting the holidays more and more each year.

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 02:02 AM

3. You have support here and never forget that.

Is there anyone else you can talk to about how you're feeling? The holidays are tough for many of us. I am worried about you now.

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Response to Laffy Kat (Reply #3)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 02:39 AM

5. I never talk to anyone

People have their own problems to begin with. I don't wanna add my dilemma to anyone else's life. I've been like that since I was a teenager. I keep it all to myself outside of my therapist. I put on a huge facade for friends and family. While internally screaming inside that I'd rather be dead than pretend anymore. Pretend to be this happy masculine man. I'm not either. I'm feminine and sad. I'm sad and I'm tired.

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #5)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 06:43 AM

11. I'm the same way, I don't like to spill my guts to anyone I know.

Every now and then I pay a professional, though. Sometimes I'll go for just a few sessions and sometimes I'll hang in there for a while. I've done so since I was a young teen.

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Response to Laffy Kat (Reply #11)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 07:55 PM

15. Sounds about me

Just going in and out of sessions since teen life.

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #15)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 08:42 PM

19. Do you find them helpful?

I always have.

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 03:59 AM

7. keep talking to us my sweet

remember that someone is always here on DU and we care

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 04:09 AM

8. You're dealing with so much

I wish I could make you feel better with a loving message on a discussion board, but I know that your struggles are bigger than that.

But I want you to know that I admire how strong you are (that doesnít mean that you arenít in pain, just that youíre still here and fighting) and I genuinely wish for only the best for you. Itís hard but you can do this. I believe in you.

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Response to renate (Reply #8)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 08:00 PM

17. Thank you

Nice to have someone believe in me for once. I feel I failed too many people already

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 04:19 AM

9. It is so exhausting, and that is the point of all this madness.

You posse tiny refuges inside, and hopefully without. Since you canít control that which is external to your stress, grab on to the knowledge that you are not alone.

We are separated, yet united, we are bent, yet not broken, we have each other, and most importantly we are the majority.

We will get through this!
Peace

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Response to vercetti2021 (Original post)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 06:19 AM

10. (((vercetti)))

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Response to irisblue (Reply #10)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 07:54 PM

14. Yes?

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #14)

Sun Dec 6, 2020, 08:08 PM

18. The ((name)) is a cyber hug. So have another


No particular words of wisdom today, just hugs

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