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Sun Dec 30, 2012, 02:58 AM

Could use some hand-holding next couple of days.

Married daughter (27,) intelligent, professional (recently started first job as occupational therapist,) has indicated emotional 'problems' to me for years, for one, has bullied her younger sister (24) 'forever.' Manipulative, self-centered. Her father (we're separated) seems to have recognized problems only recently. 1+ months ago, told her father and me not to communicate with her, after having said we had 'fucked' her/credit rating. Her father had actually attended to issues with student loans; college at fault. She came to me, telling 'us' to straighten it out (when her father had done so.) He's angry she came to me after he'd take care of it, and I was ignorant of the issue. I contacted him, as she had told me to do, and after doing so, she cuts off communication, complaining that I had shared with him her communications with me. ???

So, she says, essentially, stay away from me, which we have done, but Dec. 19, her husband's (married Sept. 2011) dear grandmother had heart attack; she called to tell me. Grandma passed on Dec. 26. Funeral Monday, in Philly, near daughter; she invited me to attend. I'm in DC suburb, her father's in DC, and unable to attend for health reasons. She informed father of the death. I told her he and I had discussed, he would be unable to attend, but I would do so, and I asked for details.

Heard nothing for couple days, researched obit, decided I'd drive up after having discussed w her father, as its a family obligation. She texted 'OK. I really prefer that you two don't discuss issues about me without including me in the conversation.' Her father and I very angry about that.

This morning she called, said she'd bought stuff for 'my' room (they're in a new apartment,) and I told her I'll stay in a hotel. After all this crap, its clear we can't spend time together. Didn't say that in so many words, but generally. She gets angry: Ed (her husband) will worry about me getting around, how could I do this, why, because you're (me) upset you'll be upset about all the things you've done to me? Then she texted: Don't come. If D (her mother in law) noticed any tension, it will send her over the edge.

I'm going, as its a family thing, tho won't know most of the people there, expect Ed and D will be glad to see me (unless daughter creates tension by telling them and creating tension and anxiety.) Leaving DC area Sunday afternoon, staying near church, expect to drive to cemetery and 'brunch' if still invited (she had invited me earlier) and use GPS to get back to hotel.

No idea how things will work out, and somewhat concerned; no intention to discuss w her in public. Hope she can keep cool. As her father says, I should remember that daughter is the cause of the problems, no one else.

Hope to watch football game tomorrow.

Sorry this is so long. Will be in touch.

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Reply Could use some hand-holding next couple of days. (Original post)
elleng Dec 2012 OP
2theleft Dec 2012 #1
elleng Dec 2012 #3
2theleft Dec 2012 #5
elleng Dec 2012 #6
Denninmi Dec 2012 #2
elleng Dec 2012 #4
elleng Dec 2012 #7
libodem Dec 2012 #8
elleng Dec 2012 #10
libodem Dec 2012 #12
fizzgig Dec 2012 #9
elleng Dec 2012 #11
2theleft Dec 2012 #13
elleng Dec 2012 #16
mopinko Dec 2012 #14
elleng Dec 2012 #18
Denninmi Jan 2013 #19
elleng Jan 2013 #20
BeHereNow Dec 2012 #15
elleng Dec 2012 #17

Response to elleng (Original post)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 03:47 AM

1. I don't really have any advice, but am sending you good vibes.

Families can be so hard sometimes. My mom sounds a lot like your daughter. All you can do is what you are doing - going for support, whether she wants it or not, and being there in case she needs you.

Stay strong and be good to yourself the next few days, too.

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Response to 2theleft (Reply #1)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 01:15 PM

3. Thanks, 2.

Hope to watch Washington/Dallas game (in SPORTS BAR at HOTEL!), and hope results good. Never been in a sports bar. Maybe I should do room service dinner, and watch game there???

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Response to elleng (Reply #3)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 02:44 PM

5. I will be watching the game at home, eating the chili that is cooking right now...

Sports bars can be fun, especially if you have folks rooting for the same team as you! If you go, don't like it, head up to your room and room service! Either way, try to relax, have a little fun and take good care of yourself.

In in Richmond, VA...assuming you are rooting for Redskins. I will pulling for the other team today

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Response to 2theleft (Reply #5)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 03:26 PM

6. Skins family!

Younger daughter has seasons Redskins tickets. Will be cold; hope good!

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 06:54 AM

2. Please don't apologize for long ...

... Says the guy who practically wrote a novel on here multiple times.

I wish I could offer you some profound words of wisdom, but I am fresh out of wisdom right now. It's hard dealing with emotional, irrational people. The unpredictability alone makes it stressful.

Dealing with that myself now with my sister, I wish I knew where the switch was that controls her mood, because it's on-off and I just never know. She was so nasty and hurtful to me on Christmas and the day after. Then Thursday it was like someone threw the switch, she acted normally toward me, as if nothing had happened between us. Yesterday I really didn't want to, but I went grocery shopping and ran errands with her, just to try to humor her. Things were ok, then in the afternoon, she suddenly brought out Xmas gifts for myself and my mother, which I figured wasn't going to happen. So, I got out the tablet PC I got for her, and all she did for an hour was cry. I am unsure if she was mad because of the cost since she has always disapproved of my finances and spending, or if she felt guilty.

You have been there for me so much, it woukd be an honor to be able to return the favor, so please keep us updated as you wish, and know we're here for you.

Take care of you.

Love, Dennis.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 01:27 PM

4. Dear Den, I promise I won't apologize for long,

or at all, as imo I have nothing to apologize for. IF my son-in-law is upset that I'm there, to HIM I will apologize, for his discomfort; that's it. He's a very good guy, and I hope he can survive living with my daughter. He'd be the one who would get her to see a psychiatrist, if anyone, and I hope he does that some time.

Absolutely its the unpredictability alone that makes it stressful. May I suggest that your sister didn't cry cause she was 'mad.' MIGHT have been tears of 'happiness,' to the extent she feels such, and/or confusion about her feelings which included thanks/happiness/guilt.

You have returned the favor already, Den, and I will keep you updated. Guess I'll be in church 24 hours from now; quite unfamiliar with Catholic funeral mass, guess it goes on for a while. Definitely WON'T take Communion, if they offer it.

Hope to watch Redskins beat Dallas, but I perceive that, occasionally, I jinx my teams. Will see.

Thanks.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 03:38 PM

7. P.S., received text message about an hour ago.

As I didn't respond to hers, of yesterday, she wants to be sure I received her 'Don't come' texts, so she affirmed that message by another text today. I had told her, on phone Friday, when she called, that she could not cancel my trip, that I will come to service etc.

So she appears to be uncertain about whether I'll be there. OK with me. IF she makes a fuss, I'll leave and write the family. May do that anyway.

COLD and windy!

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 03:43 PM

8. Here is my hand

Grab hold. We are all virtually holding hands with you. Feeling your pain sister. You will handle this with grace and courage. You have much of both. Stand tall.

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Response to libodem (Reply #8)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 04:00 PM

10. Thanks, libo. Gotcha!

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Response to elleng (Reply #10)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 05:19 PM

12. ....

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 03:51 PM

9. good luck over the next few days

hope you get to enjoy the game.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #9)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 04:00 PM

11. Thanks, fizz.

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 01:50 AM

13. At least your Redskins won!

I'm not happy, being a cowboys fan, but was thinking of you when they won the game. Hope that was a little bit of brightness for you today and is a good omen for tomorrow!

We're all thinking of you. Good luck tomorrow!

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Response to 2theleft (Reply #13)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 11:12 PM

16. Thanks, 2, it did provide some lightness,

esp cause younger daughter + friend were at game.
As to today, more later. %-wise, mostly good, but some pretty bad parts.

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 02:35 PM

14. you could offer to make it HER funeral

then she could be completely in charge.

honestly, honey, just tell her to go pound sand.
best of luck.

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Response to mopinko (Reply #14)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 11:35 PM

18. Kind of did, finally,

after which she said 'You are dead to me. Don't expect to see me until your funeral.'

IMAGINE that, after her dear husband had just complained about her bitching at me (he didn't use that term; I just did here) (in their car, on way to my broken-down car which was back at church, which drive I had told her was not necessary; I was prepared to take a taxi,) telling me to call AAA NOW, after they'd said call when you get TO your car, and I finally said my only negative thing to her, and this in 'public,' SHUT UP. Her husband then exploded at both of us, kind of/almost apologizing for doing such to me his mother-in-law, but I think most of it was directed at her, in fact. Basically told us both to shut up, in other words.

He said 'THIS on the day I just buried my best friend!' She really was/is an ass, and I ended up in the middle of that. I did apologize to him, as I left to get into my car (and wait for AAA.) Is that first ONE sentence???!!!!

Too tired to explain the whole thing now, but you ALMOST nailed it, mop. AND/but, most of the day, with other family members, was fine, sweet, and warm.

Now listening to stuff on the Hill. Sound/feels like there's something in the air. Stars??? Full Moon was couple nights ago.

Thanks




P.S., and this for all: First, THANKS for your thoughts.

Just got an idea, and NOT drinking; rather pooped but not relaxed enough to sleep. (And then there's the Hill!) Those who haven't yet might want to check the above, to mopinko, and mop, thought?:

The unpleasant and unfortunate chapter with son in law and daughter, in car, described here, suggests frustration on his part of a grander type than just this day, as he said, sometime during the 'You two stop talking' conversation, something like: 'After 9 years,' or 'after all I've heard for 9 years,' or somesuch. 9 years is probably amount of time they've been together; married Sept. 2, 2011. A friend of mine who knows them suggested to me, a month ago, that Ed has been 'put upon' by daughter 'forever,' and has put up with it due to 'insecurity' (not the right word,) but he apparently hadn't dated much before meeting her, and was taken with her. Of course, I think its great to hear my daughters are objects of love at first sight, and when I like the guys, which I do, I'm pleased.

POINT is, tho, that this incident MIGHT give Ed the incentive or opportunity to do something about daughter's bullying. She does it to her sister, she may do him to some extent, and recently has done something like that to me (my husband suggested.) As I think daughter needs psychiatric help, THIS might give son in law opportunity to suggest 'Couple counseling,' which might lead to serious help for her.

Under right circumstances (time etc,) I might suggest such to him. I'm sure he wants to keep it together, AND probably doesn't want to contemplate living with the same b.s. for the rest of their lives, AND doesn't want to have children under these circumstances.

Thoughts? AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Response to elleng (Reply #18)

Tue Jan 1, 2013, 07:29 AM

19. So sorry you had to go through all of that.

But, you pretty much knew going in how it would play out, so at least it wasn't a total shock to you, I hope.

Maybe it was necessary, she may need to realize that she can't continue to treat people like that, and more so, maybe your son in law will realize that he can't live like that and take steps to improve or bail.

Either way, none of this is your fault. Please try to always keep that in mind, even if it's hard and sad at times to deal with.

I hope your New Year can be a better one. I hope that for all of us, as a matter of fact, we all need that.



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Response to Denninmi (Reply #19)

Tue Jan 1, 2013, 01:22 PM

20. THANKS, Den.

No, not total shock. Uncertainty was problem, and now there is none: She's in bad shape, and will caUSE GRIEF TO THOSE CLOSEST TO HER. Sorry, caps locked. One finger typing. New Years donut!

NEVER thought it was my fault (except giving birth???) Don't expect she'll 'realize' w/o prodding from the likes of son in law. Sorry he'll have to deal with it, but that's life.

Happy New Year! Car repaired. Pep Boys did starter engine, good service, and taking bit of scenic detour back to home shortly.

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Response to elleng (Original post)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 09:36 PM

15. Hey...


We got you on this one babe!
BHN

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Response to BeHereNow (Reply #15)

Mon Dec 31, 2012, 11:13 PM

17. THANKS, BHN!

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