Going to drop university again.

[Locut0s]

This will be the 5th or 6th time and I'm going to be leaving my group hanging (working on group projects). I managed to get through a full year this time , except for the group projects course that I'm in now that I can't finish. I'll be burning my bridges but I'm good at that by now. It's either this or slide deeper into panic and depression and at this point I think that might mean suicide. Maybe this way I can focus on getting better. Though I've had opportunities like this in the past that didn't pan out. In the past when I dropped out I'd become a shut in for some months before trying to get a job or school again and that would inevitably fail after some months to years.

[Neoma]

1. Have to pulled all the resources available there?

As in, alerting people about your illness, getting tutors and talking with a counsellor? Etc.

[Locut0s]

3. Not really...

I'm going to go in this Monday to talk with a counsellor to see what options I may have. I don't think quitting these 2 extra courses will prevent me from attempting term 3 next fall if I choose to do so. They aren't prerequisites for anything, it would just mean that I would have to retake them. And while there I'll ask if there is any way to not more gracefully drop these courses due to my depression.

I suppose I should have alerted someone at school to my depression much earlier. I'm somewhat wary of school counsellors though. This is probably me being elitist and not giving credit where it's due, as well as giving in to stereotypes, but I've always thought school counsellors don't really deal with serious emotional problems. I've always thought they were there more for the common issues suffered by the average student. Difficulty finding friends, stress from school work, relationship difficulties etc...

I don't need tutors academically. I barely studied for anything this year due to my depression and still managed an 87% average, and last semester I was higher. Academically I'm OK, emotionally I'm a mess. I take everything on as a serious duty and the stress just piles on week after week till I break. I'm amazed I managed to get to the end of the year actually (minus these 2 extra courses).

[Neoma]

5. I think you should consult one and not push it aside.

It really is there for you.

[Tobin S.]

2. I think you've got something going on besides depression.

That might be why the anti-depressants haven't helped you much. The depression and the anxiety could be a part of another illness entirely and not the illness. It's possible you may need to look into a different class of meds.

One reason why mental health patients can be so difficult to treat is that they do not reliably and/or accurately report their symptoms. It's not always their fault. When I first became ill I found it very difficult to describe my symptoms and it led to a misdiagnosis and a lot more pain.

Make sure that you are telling your doctor everything, and please consult with him or her before you make this move. I can definitely understand how overwhelming college can be when your mental health is not good. It can take a great deal of energy just to leave the house let alone to engage in intellectual activity effectively.

[Locut0s]

4. That could be Tobin...

BTW thanks for the message before!

It's true that I find it difficult to open up to even counsellors and therapists about all of my symptoms. A lot of this has to do with not even realizing what all my symptoms are. I've spend a life time bottling up and hiding my emotions from others. No one at school or work has ever known I was suffering intense emotional pain till the day I just stop showing up. In fact people think I'm a happy well adjusted easy going person because that's the image I struggle to maintain. That IS me but I have layers and layers of anxiety on top of this that I'm busy constantly bottling up. So while I may me laughing and joking with my fellow students I'm internally exerting about 10x as much energy as anyone else in the room. I'm NEVER relaxed. I've been doing this my whole life so it's just 2nd nature to me.

I'm thinking maybe I can spend these summer months trying to tackle this problem more head on than I ever have in the past. This won't be easy either. I'll try to seek out a therapist and actually do the work required of me this time.

I'm going to go in this Monday to speak with a counsellor at my school to see where I stand and what options I have at this point. Maybe there is a more graceful way to quit. I don't think I'm screwed as far as next term goes SHOULD I choose to go back. These 2 extra courses that I'm dropping aren't prerequisites for anything. I'd just have to retake them.

Thanks for the support BTW it means a lot!!

[Locut0s]

6. Parents still lightly suggesting i should go back...

I guess I could force mg way through but I think I'll become an alcoholic doing so.

[Stuart G]

7. Please do not give up on life..it is ok to everything to prevent suicide.

Yep, if that means stopping school for a while. .that is ok. Just take care of yourself one day at a time. You only need to get thru this day. We can do that ..

Oh, a natural aid to deal with anxiety is a simple form of meditation. Breath in deeply for 3 to 5 seconds. Thru your nose.. Hold that breath for 3 or 4 seconds, then let that breath go out of your moutch for 4 or 5 seconds. Try that for 2 to 3 minutes at first, then try to increase that to 10 to 15 minutes a day..when necessary.. This is in reality an ancient meditation technique that calms people down. It works. Now, try putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and concentrate on one simple idea..like peace in the forest on a beautiful day. ..... Lesson over..
No charge..You do not need to do it perfectly, so just breath in deeply and hold it a very short while, and slowly breath out. Good Luck.