Melancholic norm...

[Locut0s]

I find that my default mood is a very difficult to change all pervasive melancholia. Some might call it dysthymia, I've never been actually diagnosed with it specifically, but the label matters little. Basically my emotional norm, the mood I settle into when there are no external inputs and nothing to distract or entertain me, is one of a very familiar dull depression. I have zero motivation, and nothing seems interesting. This isn't a deep despairing depression, I have those too, it's more of a "why the fuck should I bother" type depression. And it's almost always there. This is the kind of depression you CAN work with, but it's difficult to and very tiring to deal with. I can get things done, but you are continually pushing yourself and there's no internal motivation. I do occasionally have actual happy moments but more often than not this emotional state is my default. If I had to give an analogy it would be like walking around with 40 extra pounds of invisible lead weights. They don't stop you from doing things exactly, and you don't feel desperate, but there's this huge inertia you have to overcome to get anything done. And of course I often have this interspersed with much deeper lows and periods of sharp anxiety related to other issues.

Does anyone else find their default emotional level to be very low? Like your forced to wade through molasses all day.

[postatomic]

1. Have you tried to 'Journal'?

To answer your question; "Does anyone else find their default emotional level to be very low?" I'd guess that most of "us" would probably answer in the affirmative. It goes with the whole depression thing.

Check out the Journal thing. You can search for it in the web tubes to see if it is something that might be helpful.

I can't put my feelings down in writing anymore but when I started this Horror Show I wrote hundreds of pages.

[Locut0s]

4. My father kept an emotional journal during his mental breakdown..

In his mid 20s my father had a nervous breakdown and he tells me kept such a journal. Back then he didn't get much help from professionals so the journal was his own way of dealing with his issues. He tells me that, like you, he wrote hundreds of pages. Personally I don't know what I would write about. I've given it some thought before but very little comes to mind.

[postatomic]

7. For me it was like talking to myself

I could say how I really felt without worrying how anyone would react to it. It's healthy in the sense that you can release your feelings, thoughts, and emotions so they don't consume you. At least, that's how I looked at it.

I've read most of your posts. You seem to be able to express yourself quite well.

Just throwing it out there.

[olddots]

2. i call it the patterns

it always comes back to the patterns -----go away for even a day and the pattern breaks then boom back to the rut.


I made it a month without being consumed with suicide----eh .

[Locut0s]

3. Please see someone if you are feeling suicidal!!!

Please!

As for the patterns are you saying that the daily routine causes you depression or is relief from it? I find my daily routine to be a cause of depression. It's true that a fixed routine can prevent the worst of depression as it gives you a schedule of activities that occupy your mind, during which you can only fall so low. But I find that the monotony of it makes it worse over time. I need to make some drastic changed to my life. My daily routine needs to change completely.

[olddots]

5. I'm sorry

I kind of speak my mind about depression----suicide isn't an option because I have been there enough to bounce off it.

I was going on about the same thing you were -----patterns and ruts that keep people from doing productive things and how to get out of them.

[Locut0s]

6. No worries, yeah the rut can be very hard to get out of...

It represents a safety zone that we are familiar with and yet it's often harming us.