I have an enmeshed personality with my father.
Last edited Fri Aug 30, 2013, 09:38 PM - Edit history (2)
A therapist diagnosed this years ago when my father went to get some emotional help. Now my own psychiatrist largely agrees with it. We are too close. We emotionally depend on each other. Our personalities even depend on each other and it's hard to separate the two of us. I find it hard to have my own likes and dislikes. I get upset when he dislikes something I like etc... When I'm upset he is and visa versa. We are also much more like best friends than father and son. We talk about literature and science and even women the way friends would. I used to call my parents mommy and daddy till a few weeks ago.
Because of this enmeshment I've found it very difficult to build my own personality. To have my own interests to be assertive.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I seemed to be more in tune with my mother than with my father .
I think you have plenty of personality but maybe a stronger bond with your father which in turn puts your mother at odds with the dynamic . Don't listen to my crap I barely finished high school 
but be thankful for your relationship with your parents -I talk more to my parents since they have been dead than I spoke to them when they were alive .
Have you ever gone to therapy with your parents ?
Next time I see my psychiatrist I'm going to make a point of asking if he knows about family therapists and what he could suggest. Yes I need some boundaries for my own sanity I think. My family is very loving on the surface but I think it's kind of loving in a suffocating way. I can't reach fresh oxygen because my loving family is suffocating me in some ways 
enmeshed. I remember one time. My father owned an apartment building that I moved into. They, Mom and Dad, were so controlling that they would call me on the phone and practicallly just tell me that we were going out to eat and show up and I just went as if i didn't have a say in the matter. That is just one example, there are hundreds more. I also think you enjoy your time with your parents when I felt uncomfortable and angry a lot.
Anyway, there was some problem at the apartments and, even though I was considered the manager, my mother and father were "over" me so to speak. I refused to do something he said to do. It became sort of a stand off and I remember him writing me a letter and driving it over and putting it on my door. All I remember of it were the words, "We have come to an impasse". But whatever he wanted me to do I stood my ground and did not give up as I always had in the past. IOW - do it their way because they are the parents and even though you are an adult they still control you sort of thing.
And I got fired! From my cuushy job as the manager of my parent's apartment building. I then even moved out, (but I didn't rent my own apartment) for awhile.
So I know what you are feeling when trying to break away and grow up and be your own person. My dad died when I was around 30 so that relationship was taken care of but my Mom had so much control over me also. It finally got so I figured our, (for me - not saying this is your case) that I was afraid of my mother and that is why I would clam up and not talk to her and she could control me the way she did. I hate to say that it took me until my 40's to get to be able to feel safe and relaxed talking to my mother but it took that long.
Now she is a good friend. She is in her 80's now and I can't stand the thought of losing her. But I know that day will happen at some point and I know I will be OK.
And you will be OK too. Live is not a race. We do it at our own pace. And there is nothing wrong with you as a person. Sure there may be things you want to change for your own benefit and that is great. But the essence of you is good. Always remember that.
