Talked to my psychiatrist about school comming up...

[Locut0s]

He basically said take this as a trial run. Get what you can out of this year and try not to be ruined if you don't pass everything. The perfectionist side of me that always has to get 90%+ in everything finds that VERY hard to do but I agree that's probably the best way to approach this. I haven't had enough time to solve my issues slowly and I don't have another alternative that's better at the moment so give this the best try I can and see how it does. But again my brain may not let me do that. My tendency is to take on the whole semester of stress all at once mentally. I get really good grades but the stress builds over time and I end up having a meltdown. I'm going to try to see if I can use exercise and some of the positives I've been working on over the summer to counter some of this. But I'm already stressed out most days 1/2 a week out, that's not a good sign.

As was also recommended by HereSince1628, thanks, he said I should get in contact with the disabilities centre on campus and see what they can do. I have an appointment with them in 2 weeks. I've also increased the dosage of risperidone that I'm taking by 2x, still very low dose though.

I doubt much can be done though as the university I am going to puts an extra emphasis on trough work and a shit load of it. They want everyone to go through the same classes as a group, no electives, and they hand out lots of group assignments. So it kind of messes things up if different people are taking different courses. They are pretty rigid I've found.

I HATE these old feelings of stress and anxiety coming back after a whole summer of such good progress. But it doesn't surprise me I knew this was going to be a giant hurdle at the end

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I know it must be very hard, my dear Locut0s...

But it looks to me as though you're setting yourself up for failure. Now maybe I'm all wet.

You made not just good progress this summer, but excellent. You went camping; you took many very good pictures; you had fun.

Remember those things...



Do you have the option to change universities?

[Locut0s]

2. Thank you Peggy!...

Yes I have made progress. I've also lost over 40 lbs so far, more to go, and started to socialize better than before. Also set some boundaries with my parents that I hadn't in the past.

But these issues that are coming up are the big ones, the ones that have always gotten in the way of me living a real life out in the world. These are the ones that really scare me and always send me back to square one. But you are right I need to concentrate on the positive. Maybe I can draw on these successes to help me with these issues too.

You are right that I'm setting myself up for failure. That's part and parcel of my problem. A lot of perfectionism and obsessing is about the build up to events. I worry and fret over events weeks in advance and destroy my mind long before the event actually occurs, I'm very adept at it by now.

Changing universities would be very difficult though technically doable. Because the university I'm going to is so unique many of the credits don't transfer all that well to other institutions. And it's far too late to transfer this semester so I would be loosing at least a semester doing that anyway, so it's probably better to just stick this out anyway and see how it goes.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I'm glad you can see where the problems are, and so clearly!

These might be things to talk to your therapist about.

Maybe more/increased dosages for your meds might help. Somehow, you need to break the cycle. It's a vicious one, and it's keeping you from becoming the adult you are meant to be.