I have something uncomfortable to ask about someone (who may have borderline personality disorder)

[Sweet Freedom]

I am so sorry, but I'm hoping someone here has successfully dealt with a similar situation and can help me because I don't know what to do about my ex's behavior and I don't want to escalate the issue.

** I don't want to upset anybody, so if you think there is a possibility that this post may do so, please don't read any further.**







My ex and I divorced a decade ago. Anytime he sees me (usually at a school event), he'll call, text or email me within 24 hours about some happy memory of the past that only he has (I do not have fond memories of him). I have been very clear that he and I are done, yet he continues to contact me to reminisce, etc. He will not let go. I have repeatedly told him to stop, to no avail. Even though I let every call go to voicemail and I never answer these kind of texts, he uses any reason to reach out and try to connect with me--our anniversary, bad weather, a song, a commercial, etc.

I've thought about blocking his number, changing my number or obtaining a restraining order, but that will only make the situation worse (moving is not an option.) He has a criminal mind, a short fuse, takes everything personally and acts paranoid. He is intense, aggressive and impulsive. He loves drama and fighting, so I don't want to feed that. In the past, he also had drug and alcohol addictions and was verbally and emotionally abusive. (I don't know if he still uses drugs, but I do think he drinks.)

I think my ex may have borderline personality disorder. I can't be positive because I begged him for years to seek help and he refused. And I know that many mental illnesses overlap, but in seeking out professional help for myself after the divorce, I learned about the disorder and unlike any other, it describes him perfectly. I bring it up because it may be the basis of his behavior.

Has anyone here ever managed to sever ties with someone who has acted like this? (The relationship is not salvageable. He simply destroys every one he has.) Can anyone suggest something I can say that won't make the situation worse, but will make the point that his behavior is unhealthy and he needs to seek help so he can move on?

I would appreciate any advice.

[uppityperson]

1. Getting others to see their behavior realistically is very hard, sometimes impossible

You divorced a decade ago, yet are still attached? Trying to get him to leave you alone makes him worse and you are scared of him?

I don't have advice, but empathy. Been there, done that. I moved away and was still harassed, our child stalked for the last 15 years after child (young adult) told dad to leave him alone. I am lucky in that he was not violent, just very persuasive in getting others to his point of view which was I was Evil.

Have you a Domestic violence group where you live? They might be able to help, advice, recommendations, etc, as this is what they deal with. You are not alone in this. Best wishes to you, it sounds like it really sucks.

[Sweet Freedom]

3. Thank you, I will.

Yeah, my daughter doesn't want a relationship with him either. She's looking at colleges out of state to get as far as possible.

[enough]

2. I don't think there's anything you can say that will help. Trying to explain what you are doing,

or what he should do, will be no use. You can't help him. The only thing to do is to completely cease communication. Blocking phone and e-mail communication is probably best.

I'm saying this with the assumption that you don't have kids or other relatives you are both responsible for, so that a call from him might be about an emergency that you have to deal with (not an emergency about him only).

There is nothing you can say. Talking or communicating with him is just continuing the relationship, even if you are talking to him to tell him you want to end it permanently. You have to stop communicating.

I don't know what to do about your fear of him. Please trust your sense that he may be dangerous. But talking to him in order to keep him from getting angry is never going to end or change the situation.

I hope other DUers will have better practical advice.

Wishing you well in this difficult situation.

[Sweet Freedom]

4. We do have one child.

She's the only reason I ever voluntarily communicate with him (although he rarely sees her, so at least I don't have to do the every-other weekend exchange.)

Okay, I'll continue to ignore him. Its kind of a helpless feeling, but it helps to hear someone else say it's a good idea.

Thanks!

[No Vested Interest]

5. It's my understanding that a personality disorder cannot be "cured."

Managed or modified, perhaps, if the one with the disorder has the insight and the will to do so.
They may not recognize boundaries and may be compulsive.

I do not have medical training, but have a family member with such a disorder, so I have empathy for your problem.
My problem is that I am growing older, the family member is growing more entrenched in these behaviors, and I am not a patient as I once was.

Sorry I do not have any real solutions for you.

[Sweet Freedom]

6. That's okay

It's actually good to hear from others.

I guess the reality is he may not even be capable of managing his behavior. He can't make decisions and even when he does, he talks himself out of his choice, so even if he went to therapy, he'd find a reason to back out.

[postatomic]

7. My only experience that is 'like' this

Didn't end well. On the surface it appears he does need help. Lately I've been researching Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder, which speaks to the situation I deal with. It's a younger sibling and it has been going on for 20 plus years.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Could you have someone else talk to him? I didn't read the other replies so I'm sorry if I'm being redundant.

[Sweet Freedom]

9. Occasionally, I touch base with his family

and ask them to dissuade any talks of me, but he really doesn't have a relationship with anyone.

[olddots]

8. you have to get out of his life ,change numbers ,accounts and traces

B.P.D. is serious stuff treatable only thru reshuffling the cards .Never think this is your fault but never think you can cure or fix him either .search for a family members of borderline personality disorder support group .Its very important to take care of you and your daughter first ,help for him comes with you being put of his picture .

[Sweet Freedom]

10. Oh, I know I can't fix him.

I have no intention of trying (I already wasted many years of my life doing that!) I'm making an appointment with a therapist to talk about how I should handle this.

I'll see if I can find a support group, too.

Thanks!

[olddots]

11. here is a book that tries to help or arleast point in the right direction

Stop Walking On Eggshells ( second edition ) my wife & I inquired about support groups thru the authors organization and never heard back but we found our daughter a therapist who has helped us cope with this all .The weird thing about this disorder is how it becomes a skill set mentally that becomes an adiction but can be treated .

[Sweet Freedom]

12. Thank you.

I'll check it out.