things got ugly again

[fizzgig]

things seemed to be going well enough, then things went to shit a week ago, culminating in my husband and i deciding on friday to take a break. i've been sleeping on couches since saturday and, outside sleeping there this friday due to my schedule, i have no idea when i'll be going home.

i keep typing whole paragraphs and deleting them because none of it matters. what matters is that my life is in absolute upheaval. he was so wonderful when we met, he made me feel so safe, so loved, so beautiful. bedtime was my favorite time because he would wrap his big arms around me and hold me, it was my favorite place to be. and that is all i remember, the good. it hurts that much more because he has completely thrown out anything good we ever had because we've had rough patches. i hate myself for loving him the way i do, for needing him the way i do. and i hate myself for being willing to put up with the abuse he slings at me in hopes that the man i know he is comes back.

i'm staying with my dad right now, and i know i'm welcome to stay as long as i need, but i don't feel comfortable here. i get a feeling from my sister that she feels putout that i'm in her space, but maybe that's just projection. i've got a girlfriend i'm probably going to stay with next, but that sets me up for a 30 minute commute each way to work and money for gas that we don't really have.

we tried to talk last night (his idea) and everything was fine until it wasn't and i was, again, left completely baffled as to what happened and he wouldn't tell me why he got so pissed.

had to talk to him today about taxes and the vacuum and i'm sure he's pissed at me now for disagreeing with his diagnosis of the issue with the vacuum.

i need to just let it go. intuitively, i know that this has very little to do with me and there isn't much i can do considering he yells at me for not doing the things that i am doing. i know that he has to sort this out and i have no control over the outcome, but it sucks. this just flat out fucking sucks. i want to go home to the man i married but i honestly don't know that will ever happen and my heart is broken. at least i know he will take care of the cats while i'm away.

eta: he's seen his new therapist a couple times and, of course, has denounced the trips as a waste of money, but he's still going. i saw a glimmer of hope when he told me about his last appointment. the therapist specializes in emdr, which my husband thinks will be more beneficial than talk therapy. my guess is that the two sessions were more intake/getting to know you sessions, but my husband told the shrink he wants to get started with it. he's taking control of his treatment and i take that as a good sign.

[elleng]

1. He is there, somewhere,

the cats are OK, you have places to go to, please don't be pissed at yourself for wanting to return to the good times; you're NORMAL!

[fizzgig]

2. normal is not something i'm usually described as ;)

the fact that he is so good to the cats, so concerned for their well being, tells me that the good man is still there. it's just so hard to see him buried under so much of his own shit and know that i can't do much to help him dig out of it.

the anger at myself comes from needing him so much to be whole. i should be able to do that on my own, but he filled so many little holes in me. it makes me feel weak.

[mopinko]

4. i think what it makes you is vulnerable.

not weak. and you are vulnerable, on a lot of levels, no doubt. but that doesn't mean you can't get along without him.
take care of yourself, fill you own holes the best you can.
be yourself. be your best self. what else could you be that would help him? and you?

[fizzgig]

7. thanks, mo

i'm bumping along well enough and i know i can manage just fine without him, the bigger pain comes from how drastically things have changed between us, that we have even gotten to this point.

at this point i wonder if there is anything i can do because he can't or won't see it anyway, but all i can do is be the best me possible, regardless of what he thinks.

[EFerrari]

3. One of the hardest things for me to understand about my ex

was that his gains were not necessarily lasting ones.

I didn't have much experience with people who didn't actually make progress or, rather, who lost their progress with their insight in their next episode. So, I kept expecting a learning curve that was not the one he was on and that didn't even measure what I thought it measured. That was pretty devastating when I finally figured it out.

I'm glad your dad's house is open to you.

[fizzgig]

5. that's what i'm struggling with right now

i can't get my hopes up about anything anymore because they are just dashed the next week, the next day, the next hour or the next minute.

[EFerrari]

6. I hung in for about 12 years.

In part because I felt that cutting him loose would be wrong since he couldn't manage well on his own and there was no one else. I worked really hard and finally helped him get a measure of stability so it's not likely he will go homeless again and now his friends have a more realistic take on how fragile he can be.

It was at great personal cost to me, though, my career, my immune system which crashed under the stress of those years and of course, my other relationships, my financial stability. Not to mention the three times he put me into the hospital before I figured out how to avoid the violence.

Nothing easy about this, that's for sure.